HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

It has been a pretty good week. Ju and I have had some time alone, and also some time to talk about all that has been going on. The holiday timing of all of this and the fact that we have been surrounded by family for what felt like forever has made it hard to have a chance to figure out what to do/how we feel, etc.

Unfortunately, I had a major hormonal/emotional breakdown on Thursday. I basically cried for about seven hours solid (sorry, Ju.). If I ever needed proof that I have a great wife, the fact that she didn't get visibly angry with me while I completely lost it, clearly says a great deal. Anyhow, my breakdown seemed to strangely facilitate our talking about all this. We talked and talked and talked.

We decided that we both desperately want to have a freaking life beyond trying to have a baby. We are not ready to throw in the towel, but IVF is scary, both financially and physically. If this round of IUI doesn't work, we are going to shelf the baby project until school lets out. Then, we can have a chance to reconfigure our lives and focus on some other stuff that we have put on the backburner while we deal with what has become a freaking fertility hell.

Okay, so having said that, I think that I should probably give the details of our current project. We are doing a dual insemination on the 2nd and 3rd using unknown donor sperm. I am a little sad that this is the last chance for IUI . It feels like the end of the "easy" stuff and moving onto IVF seems to indicate that I might have a major fertility issue (can you tell I am really scared?).

The donor we are using this time around evidently has a pretty good thaw rate (over 60% on average) and has 19 known pregnancies. This gives me a bit of hope. I called the sperm bank and bugged the lab techs until they spilled the beans about each of the donors and who was frequently getting folks pregnant. In the end, we chose a guy who had both the most pregnancies and who seemed to actually have a brain in his head. I wish I had known that the sperm bank would give out this info when I started because I would have done so many things differently. Oh well, live and learn.

On a totally different topic (sort of), I saw my college roommates and their 1 and 1/2 year old baby on Friday. Some people hate to be around kids while they are trying to make this baby stuff happen, but I am really happy to be around kids because it reminds me of why we are doing all of this and what the payoff will be. Additionally, my friends are obviously wonderful, super-devoted parents who have a terrific kid. It was nice to see a really happy family.

BAD NEWS...

Okay, so this is the last round of IUI (probably)... OY! Just to bring everyone up to speed this is the 6th cycle in 10 months. All cycles were done with oral medication, except for the first one. And all have been with frozen donor sperm.

We will do two inseminations this month, one on Tuesday (Jan 2nd) and one on Wednesday (Jan 3rd). Both will be with Dr. No-personality, who we essentially "fired" about nine months ago (just great). My wonderful Dr. A is going to the beach with her kids and hubby, thus will not be available. By the time we have results, it will be time to see the IVF doctor (we see him on Jan 15th).

I went for my ultrasound today (I refer this to as "egg day"). This is day 11 of my cycle and while my doctor seemed to feel okay about the results (two follicles measuring at 17 and 18) and the uterine lining measuring at six. She insisted that this was okay, but I was not impressed. I wanted to die and crawl under the table. I am pissy and very difficult to live with at this point. I feel sorry for Ju. I know that she wants me to buck up a little bit, but I seem to be incapable of this and am pretty much inconsolable.

The good news is that Christmas is blissfully over. I would like to point out that I managed to not cry publicly the entire time I was with the family, which is one small accomplishment.

Ju keeps telling me that she still believes we'll be okay, that we can get pregnant and that the IVF guy may have some real ideas (he's a reproductive endocrinologist, so she says he'll know more about hormone stuff). I have MUCH less enthusiasm for this. I am just afraid he is going to tell me my eggs look like crap or that I am just broken. This evening Ju said "aren't you tired?" and the answer is yes, I am really, really, really tired and frustrated and hurt and a million other things. I just don't know what to do.

If I knew how to fix this, I would. I am pretty type-A and hate to "fail"/give up. Ju says that I am freaking out way too early (because we haven't even met the IVF guy and already, I'm expecting the worst) and that we just have to hang in there for what the doctor actually has to say. I am sure that she is right; I am just not good at not worrying.

I really hope things look better tomorrow. In the meantime, it is our/my New Years resolution to have a freaking life beyond fertility!

MERRY CHRISTMAS... SORT OF

So as we all now know, I am officially very un-pregnant. I am almost feeling okay about this. I'm super-annoyed, but glad it is over.

I talked with my doctor yesterday and she told me she simply did not have a clue why I wasn't getting pregnant, but that she thought injectables with IUI was not the way to go. She says I stimulate pretty well from the 150 Clomid. The problem is not quantity of eggs. She seemed relieved that I had made an appointment with the IVF doctor. He was her mentor and she trained under him. She's also discussed our case with him a few times. She told me that she really felt like it was time to have a different set of eyes look at my files and talk with me. She said she thought that he would suggest IVF and frankly, at this point that sounds pretty darn good.

I would love to be able to move forward with IVF quickly, but the money is a pretty big obstacle. I am sure (hopefully) that we can figure it out and I think that there are some potential grandparents who might be willing to kick in some additional cash. Anyway, we went ahead and started this cycle with the same drugs and a few additional tests that I will go in for next week (don't even ask me what they are). By the time that we go to see the IVF doctor on MLK day we will know if this round has worked. I don't have very high expectations for this round, but we basically are going forward b/c the insurance will cover most of it (All drugs except Clomid, all diagnostic tests/procedures, and the IUI. We still have to buy sperm.).

Sitting around trying to figure the money out without ever having a chance of this working sucks. Plus, we have all of these friends who keep telling us that we just haven't tried long enough and that we should give it a few more months. Our regular doctor has additionally suggested that the IVF guy might change the way we do the IUI insemination. I am really excited to find out what our options are and how expensive all of this is going to be.

By the way, Merry Christmas.

QUESTION

Anyone out there on MySpace? Lemme know and we can add you to our list!

WISHES

Yesterday, when R first started bleeding, it was light and spotty. I had secretly hoped it was just some implantation bleeding. I'd read somewhere it can happen as late as day twelve from insemination, and according to our calendar, we were still in the window. But my wishes were only just wishes, as R's period became more intense overnight. More than anything, I just really want her to be happy and I know that for this to happen would make her the happiest ever.

Me - I just feel helpless. I'm disappointed and my spouse is so very upset. She cries and I can't fix it. I can try to comfort her the best I can, but it drives me crazy to see her like this. I just want everything to work and I'm worn out. I know R's worn out, too.

R made an appointment with a doctor who is well-known for IVF and with whom our insem-doctor studied under. We'll go for a consultation in mid-January, but we won't be able to do any IVFs for a while due to R's teaching schedule. In the meantime, we'll continue to do a couple more rounds of IUI, since our insurance will now pay for it starting in January. Maybe we'll get lucky and one of those will work.

A strange thing happened to me this afternoon. R had scheduled a telephone call with Dr. A. Because I'm work, I didn't get to listen in or participate. I realized I had a couple of questions which R didn't ask, so I attempted to call the doctor's office myself to speak with Dr. A. Well, she had to run off to a delivery, so she had a staff-person call me back to let me know that's why she didn't return my call. But, she also had that staff-person tell me that any conversation we had, R needed to be present for. WTF?!

You see, for nearly a year now, I am the one who almost always deals with the doctor's office. I coordinate appointments, ask questions, schedule this or that, get medicines called in, pick medicines up, etc. I deal with the doctor and the staff far more than R ever does and certainly, I've had conversations with Dr. A before. But, now she's having someone else tell me that R needs to be present? Who knows, maybe someone is buckling down on her about privacy acts and such. It just threw me for a loop is all.

JUST A FEW MORE DAYS (Edit at 3:19 PM)

EDIT: R's period started this afternoon. Back to square one.

---

We have only a few more days until we know anything for sure about the results of this last insemination. Until today, I was feeling pretty confident that everything was a go, but I seem to have lost it a bit now that R's freaking out and doesn't seem to think it's worked anymore.

For days on end, R's boobs have been the size of Texas and really sore. She's also been tired a lot and complaining of a sore back, as well as having hot flashes. All are classic signs of what one might experience when first pregnant, at least from everything I've read. It's been pretty convincing.

I've managed to keep a really cool head, mostly because I've prepared myself for disappointment. I'm used to being disappointed in my life; if I want to, I can block it all out. And that's what I'm doing. R, on the other hand, isn't so good at doing that. In fact, she's had herself pretty worked up and convinced that we'd be expecting multiples. So, I can only imagine that her disappointment will be even worse than usual.

This morning, R woke up and basically started crying right away. She's gotten herself worked up because her boobs aren't as sore and our pregnancy test came up negative, even though it's probably still too soon to test. Her period isn't due until Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. (what a gift, eh?)

Of course, it could all be fine, too. We could wake up on Christmas, take a test, and get the results we want. But the uncertainty is maddening and R's crying is hard for me to swallow because I simply don't know what to do. I just want to do all the right things.

On another note, R bought a small Christmas present for me. She's a horrible secret-keeper though and couldn't stand it; she had to tell me what it is. It's a 1/32 size (very tiny) violin for a baby/small child. You see, I play violin and I've always talked about doing Suzuki method with my kid one day. When R found this small violin, she said she had to get it for me. Her mom fussed at her for doing that, saying it would curse us. Nevermind the fact that she (my mother-in-law) bought baby booties and a blanket while she was in Paris. Hhhmmpph.

WHAT CAN YOU DO... FROM R

I am feeling okay about the KD; a little annoyed, but it is okay. I just wish we had known earlier. I am glad that the guy bailed early versus after we were expecting. I can't imagine what it would be like to have to fight to keep full custody of our child. That is not a hell that I want to explore.

I really wanted to give this baby try the best shot I could, which to me means that we do at least two insems. I will say that the amazing quanity of meds I took did the trick and we do have two or three (hard to see exactly how many on the ultrasound) good-looking and mature eggs, and a few others that were smallish. At least that is something, plus we have the high count sperm guy as our donor. The reality is I am trying to convince myself that we really do have a chance of this working. I want this to work so badly, and it is a huge disappointment every time when we find out that it just hasn't worked for us.

Being pragmatic, I am already thinkng about next month's try. I have set an internal number of 8 tries. I know that this is a lot, but the idea of trying to get up the cash for IVF is just so scary for me. We are very average folks, and just don't have $30,000-plus bucks laying around, and if we did I am pretty sure that we would prefer not to spend our money in this fashion. We are having a hard enough time with paying for all of this stuff every month, much less mortgaging ourselves to the hilt for the purpose of having a baby.

I know the reality is that if we needed to, that we would do IVF or lie to the foreign adoption people and pretend that I am not gay, or frankly, whatever we needed to in order to have a child that we raise. I just hope that it doesn't come to any of that!

I have been looking into embryo adoption, mostly because unlike traditional adption, there is no birth mother to contend with and there isn't a foreign adoption official to lie to, plus we would (obviously) get a newborn baby, which is important to us at this point in the game. I don't know if that will ever become unimportant to us, but I don't think either of us would really be able to say no to the opportunity to be parents if the child was older. Who knows what we will do in the end.

If anyone knows anything about embryo adoption outside of the super-Christian snowflake people, LET ME KNOW!!!

Maybe we will just get lucky and have an amazing Christmas... and we will be able to just move on to the next thing.

!#$&^@!!!

The last time we did an insemination, we used a donor with an extraordinarily high sperm count. Some of you may recall my artistic renditions of what it looked like under a microscope. Anyhow, prior to our plans to use a known donor, we'd really wanted to buy more of this donor's sperm. However, when I called to put it on reserve, he was already "sold out". We went on a pending list with nine other folks ahead of us. Well, a couple of days ago I got a call while at work and it was now our turn to purchase high-count-sperm-guy. The timing seemed like a sign and after talking it over with R, we decided to buy some. I even arranged to pick it up for this round of insemination, just in case we'd need it should something fall through with our known donor.

Well, it's a good thing we followed our gut and bought it because tonight we found out things aren't going to work out with our KD. Even though we planned all of this weeks in advance, he suddenly has other obligations. Yeah, right. His story changed probably three or four times about what it was he had to do. He could be telling the truth; he doesn't have a history of lying. Or, maybe he just didn't want to do it and was trying to keep from disappointing me, although that didn't work. I am upset, disappointed, and mad. Mad, mostly because I feel like he lied to me, even though I have no proof.

Also, I am frustrated. I have spent weeks coordinating medicines and scheduling stuff. We even rigged R's meds so that we could time it for this weekend, rather than just letting it fall when it would on its own. All that and now, we have to just use our donor sperm from the bank. At least we know that he's got good swimmers. I'm just terribly upset to learn that we're going from having two in-office insems and one at-home insem to just having one in-office insem. I feel like our chances have just somehow been diminished greatly, even if they haven't.

Anyway, we have our insemination tomorrow morning. Wish us luck! This is try number six and the bank says that's their average of how long it takes. Let's hope there's some truth to that.

JUST A LITTLE OFF-TOPIC

I mentioned in my last post that the results from my last pap smear were abnormal. I know that lots of women get abnormal results, but still. I decided to seek out a second opinion (I needed to see a doctor anyway to get medicine for bronchitis) so I made a same-day appointment today with the doctor R sees for all of our insemination stuff. She's awesome and if anything was ever really wrong with me, I trust her.

Well, I'm so glad I went in, even though I ended up seeing the physician's assistant instead. (She, too, is awesome!) She really eased my mind by taking the time to talk to me and answer my questions and explain things. She assured me that I don't have to worry so much, but still suggested that I have a colposcopy, another test they do with their patients who have abnormal results. (A colposcopy is where the doctor uses a microscope to closely examine the cervix and the cells to determine if any are pre-cancerous and if they are, it can be treated right away.) My test won't be for four more weeks, but now that I've got some peace of mind, I am not worried about waiting just a few weeks.

Anyway, thanks to those of you who shared your stories and offered reassurance. I'll keep y'all posted.

ON WITH IT

So, things are moving right along. R started her period on Friday, a day earlier than we'd hoped for, but it's still within the window of what we need. She's taking Dexamethasone and Clomid (150mg). For now, it's just a matter of maintaining the right schedule, going to appointments, etc. Our KD still has to have his appointment with his doctor, but that's out of our hands. Worst case scenario: we have to order from the sperm bank and that's okay with us.

In other news, I got the results from my pap smear from two weeks ago. Apparently, there's an abnormality. Something about abnormal cells, but the nurse with whom I spoke was sort of unclear. She said it's not cancer and "Don't Panic." (How the hell am I supposed to not panic? It's worrisome!) I'll call the doctor tomorrow and hopefully he can more explicitly explain exactly what this means, how it effects me, and what I need to do. And if need be, I'll have more tests and/or seek out a second opinion elsewhere.

Several things could have happened to give abnormal results, ie, I was just finishing up my period. The nurse said I might have had a low-grade infection of some sort, ie, a yeast infection without knowing. (Even if I had a full-blown one, I'm not sure I'd know it because I've never had one before. How do you even know?) The nurse said something about waiting six months to get re-tested, but not if I can help it! I need help, now.

Okay, I better stop this entry short because I am starting to wig out again and R's not home from class. I'm all alone and I just need to vent! Maybe I'll just go practice my violin... after all, I do have a concert to prepare for (another thing to be stressed out about!).

R = MOUTH O' THE SOUTH

R is not known for keeping a secret well, whereas I am stubborn enough to be able to take something to my grave. I pride myself in being a good secret-keeper. R, not being able to keep it all in, told her mom that we were using a known donor, and identified him as H, who my ma-in-law met once. Oooh, this made me so, well, mad. Actually, mad isn't the correct word. I was more or less really disappointed and frustrated and upset. H is a great guy, but *I* am the one who's raising our child with R. I don't want her mom always thinking that H is dad and once that idea is planted in one's head, it's hard to shake. It's bad enough that I can't knock R up myself, without having this other person filling in the gap of the other biological parent to anyone who questions it. Make sense? Also, it bothered me because my mom-in-law, when she met H, made remarks about him being such a queen (he's gay) and such. Now, that he's helping us, she's suddenly okay with him? How frustrating!

In other news, we know two ladies in town, though not well at all, who have a little boy who was conceived through a known donor. I'd been dying to get in touch with them to ask what their situation was as far as using a donor contract. Basically, what I found out is this: they did use a contract, but when it came down to it in the end, they were told the contract was "worth about as much as the paper it was on". It didn't amount to a hill of beans and the donor still had to sign away his rights at the time of the adoption. So, that just confirms to me that we're doing the right things -- using a contract, just in case, but being wise enough to avoid debt doing it.

CONTRACTS AND TESTING

Things with our donor are moving right along, except... well, the earliest he could get an appointment to have tests done was December 5th... and we're using him on the weekend of the 9th! I don't think it will be too much of an issue, as they can put a "STAT" order on the tests. It just makes me really nervous, that's all. Scheduling this stuff is a bitch!

In other news, I spoke with the lawyer I mentioned earlier and she won't even look at the contract we already have. Rather, she wants to draw up a new one altogether and now I know why -- she wants to charge $800 to do it! I think we're going to pass, use what we have, and get it notarized. At least then we'll have something and after reading the one we have, I can't imagine getting one much better. It pretty much sums up everything and knowing that a lawyer elsewhere created it, I know it must be fairly sound. There's one thing we have to change at the very end, but the friend who gave us the copy offered to help us get the information we'd need to change the one part. With that being said, it's one more thing I can check off the list!

OUR NEXT INSEM (EDITED @ 1:06PM)

Here's the situation:

Our known donor, H, lives about an hour and a half away. Because there is a one-hour window in which to use his sperm, we're having him spend a weekend with us. (We can't get it and get back home in time) And because we need to do it on a weekend (Dec. 8th-10th), our doctor is extending R's birth control pills by about two or three days to time everything correctly. However, if we use a donor from the bank, we won't extend her pills because we won't have to take the third person's schedule/location into consideration, thus we'd naturally be due for insemination mid-week (Dec. 5th or 6th). Did I explain that well?

In the meantime, H still has to get an updated test, so he's making a doctor appointment for this week/early next week. The other thing that needs to happen is that he needs to sign the contract we have. Some friends of ours (you know who you are! *smile*) were kind enough to allow us to obtain a copy of the contract they're using with their donor, which was drawn up by a lawyer related to them. I am sure the contract is good for them where they live, but I'm not sure if it's good for us here in GA. So, I contacted a lady I know who is a lawyer and specializes in fertility/adoption law. I'm going to have her review this contract and if need be, revise it or draw up a new one altogether. I'm not sure what her fees are, but some other friends of ours who used her services for their whole adoption said it was reasonable, so surely one contract fee wouldn't be so terrible. Anyway, I know I'll feel better knowing we've had everything checked out.

We still have a donor from the bank selected in case everything falls apart and we need to use it instead of H. But, gosh, I am reeeeeeeaaaaaaaally hoping that this thing with H goes smoothly!

WAY LOTTA MARRIED

Evidently, I scared people when I tried to talk about how freaking hard this process is on one's marriage. Thus, let it be known that we are sooo not breaking up. This is just difficult and scary for each of us in such different ways. It is hard to feel sexy/human when you feel like a failed baby-making machine. It ain't easy to live with an overly-hormonal crazy woman.

It is a shame that people don't talk about how stressful this is and the toll that it takes on you as a couple, financially, personally, emotionally, and a few other -ally's. Anyhow, we love each other are very committed to this relationship and are just trying to figure out how we get through this together.

Our most recent strategy is to spend a heck of a lot more time together minus our friends. We love them, but we need to be alone a good bit more than we have in the past.

COULD ANYTHING ELSE HAPPEN?!?

Last night it came to my attention that the subfloor in our one and only bathroom is rotting! I am basically so freaked about this, I cannot even express it. I know it is not the end of the world and a contractor referred to us by a good friend is coming out this week to asses the damage. It is just MORE MONEY that is being sucked away from OUR BABY. I think the whole bathroom redo will come in around $5,000 or so. YUCK! Especially because the bathroom is really cute already, so it is not much of a cosmetic plus.

Additionally, somehow the plug to the refrigerator managed to become unplugged for about 48 hours and we had (i.e. I felt it prudent) to throw out all of the groceries ( I really fear food poisoning after having lived in Asia for a few years and having some HELLISH previous experiences). Again, it's not the end of the world, but it has been a hell of a week!

Ju took me out and let me test-drive strollers today, which is what I do when I am really bummed about all of this crap that is going on in our lives. I can't wait 'til we can look back and laugh. (By the way, I have decided that I want a mint green Peg Perego lightweight stroller with a matching click-in baby car seat and a McClaran Volo for quick trips. The crazier the color, the better.) Have I mentioned that I have already picked the nusery stuff, too? My friends (sometimes Ju, too) think that I am crazy, but they are unfortunately not surprised... I am compulsive. Feel free not to make too much fun of me for this.

In another week and a half I start taking more drugs than I have ever taken before. The truth is I am scared. Scared of all of the drugs, not getting pregnant, using a known donor, "wasting" more money by not getting pregnant, or worst of all, having to deal with the reality that this may never happen for us. The fancy-schmancy stoller may always just be on the wish list, and I will have to say things like "Well, we tried, but it just never worked out for us".

I remember when we started trying that a friend (who no less than a decade ago went through fertility hell and decided to just let it go and be happy with her husband) was very sweet and listened to me be unbelievably sure that this would happen, quickly. Then, when we lost that first pregnancy, she was supportive and said that while it was awful, at least I knew what it would feel like (emotionally) when it didn't work. The problem is that it feels different every time. It is brand new every time. Until now, every time we have tried has felt like brand new hope and excitement. This round, I lack that enthusiasm and it all feels like worry that I have a week and a half to shake off. OY, any suggestions?

HERE'S WHAT DR. A HAD TO SAY

Our chat with Dr. A went really well! We went over our options and she recommended another try with IUI. We'd planned on doing this anyway for insurance reasons. R's new insurance will cover tries beginning in January, only we had to have done it -x- number of times already. If we do it once more in December, we'll meet that number. Also, one more try will push us just over the edge financially that R can claim it on her taxes. Woo-hoo!

We discussed Letrozole, the drug that Dr. A initially suggested R switch to, but decided to stick to Clomid. Letrozole comes with a risk of birth defects and also cannot be used with other drugs. So, we're sticking to Metformin, Dexamethasone, and an increased amount of Clomid. I dread the craziness that it brings, but R and I feel this is best combination.

Somehow, the conversation came up so that Dr. A said something like, "It's too bad you don't know some guys who would just be willing to help you out...". That was when we told her about my pal, H, who recently agreed to be a donor. We hadn't decided 100% at the time he offered about whether or not we'd use him, but we've been thinking about it for a couple of weeks now and we've pretty much decided to go with it, especially since Dr. A was so willing to work with us on it. In fact, she was downright excited.

One of our main concerns was that we wouldn't have any support from our physician in doing this, but if she's willing to sign off on it and say we used a "donor", it will help us tremendously. Also, we had concerns about H changing his mind and wanting involvement with the kid sometime down the road (even though he says now that he wants no responsibility) and what we've decided is that if at some point it comes up, it would be okay if he was involved -- not in a "father" role, but involved, if that makes sense. He's a great guy and it wouldn't be so bad for our kid to know him.

Dr. A wants H to get tested for HIV and a number of other diseases and when I talked to him last night, he said that was no big deal. I'm not worried about it, as I happen to know that H has had one sex-partner in a period of five years and the last time he slept with that person was two years ago. I figure he's probably pretty low-risk.

One exciting thing -- I'd noticed that Dr. A's website sucked, so I asked if she was happy with it. She said it was really lame and I told her we could do business. (I'm a Web Developer & Graphic Designer) I think she was kind of excited, but we'll see. This could be a very good thing for me/us!

As far as when our next try will be, we're aiming for a weekend. H lives an hour and a half or so away, so we need to be able to have him here to donate. (Once a specimen is obtained, there's about an hour window before sperm start to die down, and there's no way we could get it and get home in an hour, so he'll have to come here.) Dr. A said this was not a problem, as we can simply extend the pills R's on by a few extra days to time it correctly, if we need to. However, she thinks R's cycle will fall on a weekend anyway.

We feel so much better now that we've had a chance to get a plan together. We like to be in-the-know and lately, we've had so many questions, that everything has felt sort of all-over-the-place. I think we're making some good decisions and I'm excited about getting on with it.

TOMORROW

Tomorrow, R and I have an appointment with our doctor to discuss what happens next and to go over our options. We're lucky because we'll see Dr. A at 4:00 and she has nothing scheduled after that, so we'll have plenty of time to really talk. I'm so nervous to hear what she'll say, but I'm also excited and eager to get as much information as we can! (In case no one noticed, R and I like to be informed.) Also, we really like the staff at our clinic and we really enjoy seeing everyone.

Some of the questions we plan to ask:

1. the benefits of Letrozole vs. Clomid?


2. are there any drug combinations that work well in combination with Letrozole?


3. should we use injectables instead? is that something Dr. A would be willing to do/monitor?


4. how many more rounds of IUI before seeking out IVF?


5. how many follicles would Dr. A like to see?


6. nutrition/supplements? foods to avoid?

These are all I can think of off the top of my head, but I'm sure I'll come up with more. R will have plenty to say, too, I am sure! Is there anything else we're obviously missing??

MARRIAGE AND IVF THOUGHTS

We survived another week post near-baby miss. In the last week and a half Ju went out of town for work, we lost the almost-baby, and I started a new job. We have been a little bit busy. Right now, we are mostly focusing on each other and our marriage. Not to worry -- we are not about to hit the skids, but this has been hard on both of us in very different ways.

The good news is that we are, overall, doing really well, even if we are a little confused about what the hell we are supposed to do next about the baby. My favorite next-door neighbor, Kate, commented that she thought we were the kind of couple that is able to deal with the special kind of joy that fertility brings and grow from it. It was a really kind comment; I know that I have not been the easiest spouse lately.

We are carefully considering our next move right now and IVF feels more to me like the answer. The truth is, I don't really know what to do. I just really want us to have a kid or two and not have us lose our minds and go broke trying.

So, now for my questions to all of you in baby making land:

a) When/how did you know it was time to move on to an IVF cycle from IUI?
b) How did you fiance the sucker?
c) Has anyone taken Letrozole? If so, what is the story on my doctor's new IUI drug of choice?
d) How long did it take you to set up an IVF cycle?

I know it is a lot of questions, but I am a gal in need of information and understanding.

Oh, by the way, Ju talked to her friend about the sperm donation and he said "Sure, it is just going to waste anyway...". How funny that he seems to view it as nothing.

TALKIN' ABOUT DONORS

Ages ago, two male friends of mine offered to donate their sperm. One guy insisted on doing it the old-fashioned way (eew!) so we immediately excluded him as a possibility. The other guy travels on the job and is only home for a couple of days out of the month, so he got excluded by default, as it is too hard to coordinate with someone who is never around.

In the meantime, one of my close male friends, H, has made comments here and there, jokingly, about donating. But now I'm wondering if he's really joking, or if he'd sincerely agree, should I approach him. You see, he's made jokes in the past that turned out to not be jokes, so I'm wondering if this is one of those situations. R and I have thought about approaching him, but my goodness, how the heck am I supposed to do that? I have no clue what to say. I don't want him to feel pressured or wierd, ya know.

Any thoughts?

WHEN TO MOVE ON?

Things are pretty much about making sure we are still putting one foot in front of the other around here. We are both so upset and just trying to deal with all of this.

I made an appointment to go and talk with our doctor and see what she has to say. I want to learn more about the medicine she thinks we should try next time, and how many more IUI cycles she thinks we should do before moving on to more invasive stuff.

I need a plan badly. I need to know what we should be doing, and what the game plan is long range. It makes me feel a lot more okay when I know what to expect. Right now I feel like I don't have any vision of where we are going or what our real chances are, etc. I know that the more we try, the less likely it is to happen. At what point has our luck just run out?

We are going out with a couple that just completed their sixth try and are waiting to find out the results. They said they think that this will be their last shot and I am curious to know what their reasons are. I am equally curious to know what our doctor has them doing and why

The truth is that I have pretty much lost hope that IUI will ever work for us. I am ready to move on and give IVF a try. I know that it is major money and major physical pain, but I need to know if this will ever work. I need to know in two or three tries of IVF if it is time to move on to adoption, etc., rather than waiting out another few months of IUI then IVF. I just need for us to find out the answer, even if it is an expensive one.

What we are going through is pretty emotionally expensive right now and to be honest, our collective sanity/relationship is worth a good deal more to me that the money IVF would cost. I wonder if I would be able to even deal with IVF if we have to go through all of this again. It is very difficult to know what to do or when to make the leap to IVF.

If anyone has any advice on the subject please share. Similarly, if anyone has any advice on Atlanta area RE's or affording all this high tech baby making, share!

SOME GOOD NEWS

R had open enrollment for insurance this week. She took the paperwork to the insurance specialist at our clinic, who was kind enough to research each plan and the benefits of using one versus another. What we found out is that one of the plans will pay for inseminations. This is great news! It will not, however, cover the cost of donor sperm, but that's okay with us. Buying donor sperm isn't so much a big deal if we don't have to pay for all of the other stuff. It's about time we had some relief.

In the meantime, Amanda from For the Byrds recommended some different sperm banks to us that are less expensive than the one we use. I don't know if these others will meet our needs, but it's definitely something to look into, again (it's been a while since we initially researched, so it may be good to refresh our memories and check on things). Thanks, Amanda!

A THOUGHT

I was just sitting here and thinking about IVF; nothing in particular, other than I had the thought that if we ended up going that route, maybe R could use a combination of her eggs and my eggs. That way, we could have a combo pack of multiples, possibly. Honestly, I don't even know if this is a possibility. Is it?

WHAT NEXT?

R and I are both going through a difficult time right now, but for some reason, I am having an especially hard time with this. I can hardly go an hour without bursting into tears while working at my desk. And I'm exhausted. Totally drained. I've been sleeping excessively and still, I want more sleep. I just feel terrible, even though I'm trying really hard to remain positive about the good stuff.

Also, I feel guilty for not being able to try myself and for that not being an option. If I can ever get well, which eventually I will, then maybe I can try. But right now there's not even the slightest bit of a possibility, so it makes me feel even worse.

We're in a wierd situation with the donor stuff. The donor we used last time, who has a remarkably high sperm count, is the donor we'd like to use again. However, he's quite popular according to Xytex. We can either:

• immediately purchase the two vials he has left (which, by now, are probably sold out), which are washed (we prefer unwashed), and pay extra for storage

or


• we can be put on a pending list, which has nine people ahead of us

or


• we can say screw it and choose another donor altogether.

Then again, who knows what we'll do next. We haven't given up on trying, but we made an appointment to go to this adoption information session thingie the first weekend in November. We scheduled it two months ago and had kind of forgotten about it. Well, at least I had forgotten, but then R reminded me and we decided we're still going to check it out.

In the meantime, we're wondering what our next move should be. Do we try another IUI? I mean, we've only done four, which isn't that much, but also, we don't want to continue going that route if it won't work. So, do we skip ahead and go for IVF? I'd be all for it, except that it's soooo bloody expensive. I don't want to spend $15,000 for one chance at something that may not work. That would suck a lot more than only $5,000, which is what we've spent total so far for four IUI tries.

Needless to say, we have so many questions.

IT'S OVER.

The results from our test this morning came back negative. Dr. A wants R to discontinue taking the progesterone supplements so she can expel, ie, have a period. This is terribly upsetting, but not surprising given the events of the last week.

We're taking a month off, at least, and we're thinking we'll try again over Christmas break; that is, if we're up to it. In the meantime, the doctor wants R to take Ovcon 35 Oral, which is a type of birth control, I think. She'll also take Letrozole Oral, a medication more commonly known to treat breast cancer, when we start trying again.

For now, we just need time to cope and process this.

JU's WORDS

For my story about my trip home and how my Mom is handling the news of all of this (she didn't know we'd been trying or anything), visit my blog at Ju 2006.

To follow up on what I wrote there, I got an email from my Mom this evening. She wanted to thank me for coming and for helping her with her new computer. But mainly, she wanted to check on R. It was pleasantly surprising. I just can't believe she's being so calm and okay. I'm honestly still waiting for it to sink in and for her to throw a fit.

Both R and I forgot to mention that we met two new gals in Athens who are also trying. Well, I say met, but really, we've only spoken with them via telephone, but we made arrangements to have dinner with them later this week. It's kinda funny because our doctor is the one who arranged for us to meet. She asked us if it was okay to pass along our info and asked them the same. So, here we are.

I don't know a whole lot about them, other than one of them is pretty butch and they've been trying to conceive (by the way, I despise the shortened acronym "TTC" -- I hate the way it looks or something -- reminds of those ta-ta-for-now "TTFN" acronyms that people use far too often in email exchanges) for almost a year unsuccessfully. I also know, though, that they haven't been very aggressive with it as far as medications and such.

Anyway, we're kind of excited to know anyone else doing this in our own town and the butch one is glad to meet me, I think, because she doesn't have anyone to talk to about her role in this. I feel the same.

As for us, we made it through the weekend. That's longer than we expected. And oddly enough, R's still having lots of signs, ie, sore boobs, back pain, and today she had morning sickness. We had to stop the car early in the day for her to puke and then when we returned from Target this evening, she hurriedly got out of the car and puked in our driveway. Poor thing. It could be stress, we don't know.

We have our appointment with our doctor in the morning to do more blood work. We'll have results within a couple of hours after that, probably around lunch time. We're both really hoping for good news. Keep those good thoughts/prayers/etc coming -- we'll take all we can get!

ONE VERY LONG WEEKEND

We are still very hopeful but trying to be realistic. This has all been very difficult, mostly because we just don't know. I would love to know what the deal is but we just don't and this is hard. Ju went to her mom's to clean out her old high school stuff from the house at her mom's obsessive insistence, so I was sent to my mother's for safe keeping while Ju is away. I know this is strange, but it is kinda nice not to be home and not to be around Ju because it makes me feel a little more normal, a little less like this is really happening to us.

We talked with our wonderful Dr. on Friday because she is going out of town next week, which is upsetting because she is a life line and I like to have her support and counsel. She told us that she was not really ready to throw in the towel on this pregnancy and that because my progestrone level is in her words "awesome" she felt we might have a shot. We will go back for more tests on Monday and see how things look. So far, so good. She also said that we might want to take a month off if this pregnancy doesn't continue and take birth control pills to suppress my ovaries and them hit them with an enormous chunk of stimulating drugs. Scary, but okay.

I have a lot going on this month, which for anyone who knows me, is kind of a joke; like, when are things in life ever calm??? The lady who will be taking over my job is going to be there on Monday morning to start figuring things out. I will also begin to pack up my things and take them out of my classroom to get ready to take them to my new school. I love the people I work with and this is beyond scary for me to move to a new place with a very different professional culture, from what I hear anyway. I am thrilled about the job but super-scared that I won't be any good at it, and they will be sorry they ever picked me. It looks like Nov. 1st will be day one of the new job. OY VAY!!!

I am pretty out in my current job and now I will have to begin the annoying process of helping everyone else process my gayness, again. Good times, I tell you. Oh well, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

On the house front, we are devoting next weekend to working on the house and making choices about the sale of the house. Like, if we want to try it by ourselves again or if we want to list it, along with all of the repercussions of these choices and what it is, exactly, that we want to do.

Being a grown-up is so complicated!!!!

WHO KNOWS...

It's late afternoon on Friday and we're still hanging in there. The results from R's progesterone test came in and the nurse relayed to us that Dr. A said it looked "awesome." So, that's something good, right?

Although, I must admit, I'm a bit confused as to what this means, exactly, and how this helps/hurts us. The test yesterday was to check hcg, I think, which should be at a level of 5. It wasn't. Yet, the doctor's office only gave us a "maybe" because they were waiting for the progesterone test to come back. Now that they have "awesome" results, does this mean things are looking up?

I just don't know what's going on right now. It all seems too surreal. But hopefully, we'll hear from Dr. A today and we'll have an inkling.

I DON'T HAVE A TITLE

While R is *technically* pregnant, the hormone levels don't seem strong enough to be able to maintain it. We fully expect for this to go away either today or over the weekend. The pregnancy test this morning was negative. That's not good.

But we're plodding along and who knows, maybe this is all just a test of our patience and our wanting, and maybe this will all work out. There's the tiniest sliver of a chance and I guess that's better than nothing.

In the meantime, there's lots of tears and lots of worry. R's got the day off from work, just in case something goes wrong. I'll probably go to work for a while, but I'll be "on call" and will probably come home early.

A LITTLE BIT PREGNANT

Whoever said you can't be a little bit pregnant is wrong! Continue reading to find out why:

This morning, R got up and as she's done every morning for days on end, took another pregnancy test. Just after that she left for work. And then just after that, the test turned positive. I got really excited and called R at work to leave a message for her before leaving to go to work myself.

I had to stop at the store on my way to work to pick up a couple of little things and ran into our doctor, of all people. She asked how we were doing and I told her that we got a positive test this morning. She got a bit excited and told us to come in for a blood test today. So, on my way to work, I called to leave R another message to say she needed to do a blood test today.

Finally, I arrived at work and just as I was getting all settled into my office, my phone rang. I assumed it was R returning my calls, but instead it was the school where she teaches. They asked if I could come pick her up because she'd gotten sick and passed out at school. Of course, I left my job and headed right over.

So, I picked up R and we headed straight to the doctor's office, where we did a blood test. On the way there, R reminded me of the story her mom has told a million times. Basically, the story is that the only time R's mom ever passed out in her life was when she was very first pregnant. Of course, R thinks this is what is happening with her, too.

We got our results from the doctor a little while ago. Dr. A's answer is "maybe". Not a no, not a yes, just maybe. She wants us to do another blood test on Monday, but by then we'll probably know on our own anyway, as R is supposed to start her period tomorrow or Saturday. So, as it stands now, we are a little bit pregnant.

This is sooooooooooo frustrating!!! Actually, there are no words to describe how this feels. We just want an answer. We can deal with yes. We can deal with no. But we just need to know what we're dealing with!

CONVERSATION

R's been displaying some of the tell-tale signs of being pregnant, yet our tests are coming up negative. We weren't sure if the medicines and hormones were causing her body to do wierd things, or if it could possibly be that the hormones would cause a negative result, so I called Dr. A's office to inquire about this.

I spoke with the nurse/coordinator and told her what was going on - ie, R's been having some nausea, her boobs are the size of Texas, and she's been feeling "wierd", etc. The nurse said, "Oh, that's good!" I inquired about the testing and she checked our chart, then told me it was too early. So, I guess I have to take her word for it.

At any rate, I feel the slightest bit relieved, at least for now. At least I feel justified in holding out hope.

PROGESTERONE

On Friday, R had some bloodwork done to test her Progesterone levels. The results were supposed to be in first thing this morning, but instead, they didn't come in until after 2:00pm. As it turns out, the results are okay. R's within the normal range for what the progesterone levels should be, although the doctor said she wished it would be slightly higher. So, Dr. A wants R to take some daily oral supplements.

So, that's where we're at right now. Things could go either way, but we're doing everything we can and everything we're asked to do. I just spoke with R and she's on her way as I write this to pick up her prescription so she can take it before she goes to class tonight.

More coming soon.

WHAT IS A "BETA"?!

Clearly, we want to become pregnant, hopefully soon, because we have spent the family fortune. We're beginning to worry about our ability to financially keep up with the ever-increasing cash and emotional/hormonal demands of this process. That said, this morning I got up and faithfully peed on a stick, and well we got nothing. I mean, nothing, which made me feel awful and okay at the same time. I say 'okay' simply because I want the test to scream "you are having a baby some time in late June!!!" However, I also know my semi-positive stuff could all just be trigger shot silliness as I read on the internet this AM:

Every woman's metabolism is different, but as a general rule of thumb, you should allow 1 day for every 1,000 units of hCG you injected. The standard hCG dose is 10,000 units; thus, 10 days after the shot, the synthetic hCG should be gone and you should be able to test for pregnancy without detecting the shot. However, you should ask your doctor what the recommended protocol for your dosage is.

Some women choose to test daily to monitor the essence of the hCG in their bodies; once the synthetic hCG is gone, the tests become negative. If the hCG "comes back" and the HPT's turn positive again, it's likely due to a pregnancy and not the leftover hormone shot.

I would reference the site but I don't remember which of the 4,000 sites I looked at it was on... sorry!

Anyhow, we are just hanging in there to see how this goes.

I will say, however, the only time I have ever seen any sort of positive was the first time we did it, which is when I had what I believe to be an amazingly early miscarriage. I stupidly did not really acknowledge it at the time and made no effort to slow my life down whatsoever afterwards, and ended up giving myself shingles.

NOW COULD SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT A BETA IS???

I did go in Friday to have my progesterone checked and we will find out the results first thing tomorrow (Monday) morning. Depending on the results, I may need to go in for a dose of extra progesterone, so I can try to hold on to these hopefully fertilized eggs.

#3

Okay, a third test was taken this morning -- but pretty much, there's nothing there. I mean, there is the slightest bit of a faint line, much lighter than what has shown up before. We feel slightly disappointed, but we're reminding ourselves that it's still early.

TESTING, ONE, TWO

After last night's testing experience, we decided to do a second test this morning, when R's sample would be most concentrated. Again, the test did the same thing, with a faint line, but this time the line was darker. See?


R's test #2, without a flash


R's test #2, with the camera flash

We were thinking that the test could be false positive because of all of the hormones R's been taking. But then the fact that today's test was darker seems to negate that theory.

I took a test myself, just to see what would happen and if mine would yield any sort of extra line. The results:


my test = negative!

Even after several hours, my test still shows no signs of the extra line. We were told that sometimes if you wait too long, the extra line would show up. But that hasn't happened.

So... we're thinking R's test is definitely a positive. Now, whether or not it is a real positive has yet to be seen.

*keeping fingers crossed*

FAINT POSITIVE???

Every day, R's been saying that she was sure everything worked this time. I've been so excited, I can hardly stand it. Then, today, R came home and announced she wasn't so sure anymore. So, even though we know pregnancy tests down't work this early on, we did one anyway. Even though it doesn't make any sense, it actually made us feel better, somehow.

Anyway, R did the test but had to leave quickly as she was running behind schedule to meet up with a friend. So, I'm sitting here looking at this pregnancy test and I swear, I think there's a faint positive line. Now, I don't know if it's a fluke, my imagination, or the real deal.

I've taken a photograph. What do ya think?

CHANGES?

This is kind of a strange question -- but of those of you who have had pregnancies, did you notice any immediate changes "down there"?

R says "it feels different" and sure enough, when I checked things out, it felt different -- sort of spongy, but hard beneath, if that makes any sense.

Any thoughts out there?

p.s. Happy Coming Out Day!

YADA YADA YADA

Okay, I know that this is really crazy because I am not a calm person. People who know me can attest to this. I am pretty manic, and go a little nuts if things don't go my way. However, I am feeling oddly calm; so calm it makes me uncalm. It truly feels just like things are going to be just great and I don't really have to sweat it. Baby or no baby, we will be exactly perfect. It might just be my own body's relief over not being poked, prodded, tested, medicated, and messed with for a few weeks, or it might be that we have reached what I am sure is a brief stint experiencing the zen and art o' baby making.

This is not to say that I am sure it will work, only sure that we/our drs./the donor, etc. have done our dead-level best and that we are getting closer, even if we are not actually there yet. That a baby could happen.

I have had plenty of days where I thought that it was impossible, that it was really just time to give up and admit that it was time to talk seriously about trying to adopt. I am not against adoption, for us or anyone else. I think that it is great. I am just afraid of all of the horror stories. Not that fertility doesn't come with horror, but it is a horror that I feel more in control of (I don't claim to make sense). It worries me to think that a new mom whose child was promised to us could change her mind and we could walk away without a baby when we were so close. I know that if/when we get to a point where adoption makes sense for us that we will not hesitate. I am just glad that day is not today and that hope has returned in whatever small way to this endeavor and to us as a couple.

Obviously, we talked about how hard it was to try and not be successful or be semi-successful for a day. I just don't really think even I knew how hard this had been on us individually or collectively until things changed and the process started looking promising again. Even when we started the process this round we were so cautious and sad. I have just been braced for the bottom to fall out any minute. Everything changed when the egg count was up and the sperm looked like they were actually MOVING.

Like I said, I am sure that this is only a moment of calm in a much wider and wilder sea of parent making and parenting, but it is nice to be in right now. I appreciate the break.

SPERM COUNTS

Yesterday, R and I went to Dr. A for our first insemination, using Donor #1. They'd just finished "washing" as we arrived and we got to view the specimen under a microscope. My word, it was amazing! I mean, the whole field was totally covered in moving sperm, without a bit of blank space inbetween. It was completely unlike any other specimen sample we'd seen in past inseminations. Needless to say, we were very excited about this, as was everyone else present. Lots more happened and R wants to blog, so I'll leave my comments to the topic of sperm count only and she can fill in the other details.

my rendition of Donor #1's sperm count

This morning, we went in for insemination number two, using Donor #2. Since it's Saturday, one nurse and Dr. A had to come in just for us. We arrived while the nurse was "washing" and we just chilled out and talked with her for a long time. Dr. A had not yet arrived, as she was still busy with patients at the hospital. Anyway, the nurse showed us the specimen under the microscope. To say we were disappointed with what we saw is an understatement. I mean, there were only a few sperm crawling around, with all this blank space inbetween.

As it turns out, the count of Donor #2 isn't bad; as long as there are at least ten per field of power, it's good. When Dr. A arrived, she said he was okay, but that she could understand our disappointment in comparison to Donor #1. In fact, she said that Donor #1 had an abnormally high count; the most she's seen!

my rendition of Donor #2's sperm count

FROM THE DESK OF R

We are so excited that there was more than one little egg-o this time!! I am kind of at the end of my rope, homonally seaking, and having more than one egg really made me feel like it was all worth it; that we are still in the baby making game and that there is some hope. The last few weeks have been very difficult because the drugs have been pretty intense, both physically and hormonally, and because there has just been a lot going on in general.

We have had things go haywire with the sale of the house and my job has been a bit challenging to say the least. Fortunately, we are taking a bit of a house break this week. We will meet with an agent next Monday about listing our house. We are considering flipping our house, essentially, and will be talking to the agent about which improvements will have the most impact on the sale price of our house when we relist it. There have been a few very sucessful and profitable flips in our neighborhood and if it means a lot more money, I am willing to live in a construction zone for a few months. The truth is that our house is very small, but we could make it work with a little one if need be. Plus, all the improvements that we would make would be things that we want done if we wind up having to stay in the house for some reason.

As for the job, things are going very well there, but I am just crazy-busy trying to keep my head above water. This time of year is always hard because it is a very long stretch to make it from the beginning of the school year (Aug 1st) to Thanksgiving break at the end of November. This is a very typical time of year to start to lose it a little :).

I am trying to be realistic about the baby, but I am very hopeful. Even if it doesn't work I know that we have a pretty good shot with the drug combo we have used this round.

MORE THAN ONE

We went for R's ultrasound today and it wasn't a bit too early, as the eggs Dr. A detected are quite mature. We've decided to do a dual insemination and I'll drive three hours tomorrow morning to pick up the extra specimen. Tonight R has to have the HCG injection, but the woman who usually assists us is out of town. Our next-door neighbor works in a pharmacy lab, however, and has arranged for us to do the injection with one of his co-workers, who has lots of experience administering shots.

We'll have our first insemination late tomorrow afternoon and then the second on Saturday morning. We're excited, but the fucked up and funny part is that we're using two different donors for the two inseminations. So, technically, we could end up with twins that have different biological fathers! How insane is that?!

I ended up telling my boss today about what we're doing and I was so surprised at how accepting and supportive she's being. It's awesome! I mean, she is so excited about this and said she was going to pray for us and keep good thoughts for us. I am just so excited to have people around me at work who I don't have to tiptoe around because they're all so supportive and encouraging.

DYE TEST IS OVER

R had the dye test today to see if her fallopian tubes had any blockages. It was really interesting to see up on screen because it didn't look anything like the diagram you see in health class. Her fallopian tubes are very long and they wind all around. They're higher on one side than the other, too.

We'd been told by the doctor herself that the test would be really painful, but R said it wasn't that bad. It hurt some during the procedure, but afterwards she felt okay. Our doctor said everything looked really good. She did, however, move our ultrasound up one day, rather than waiting until Friday to do it. Better early than too late.

Dr. A mentioned that she'd had a lot of success lately doing dual insemination with unwashed sperm. Strangely enough, the specimen we ordered this month only came in unwashed, so that's what we have. We don't have enough to do a dual insemination, but if the ultrasound results tomorrow are really good, I'm going to order a second vile and drive the three hours to pick it up. I mean, if we're going all out, then we might as well do everything we can.

One funny thing - I ran into my boss while I was at the hospital. When we arrived, we were told we needed to go and register, something we didn't know we'd have to do as no one told us ahead of time. So, we went to register and then had to sit in this waiting area while they processed everything, which took about 45 minutes. At some point, R got up to use the restroom and right then my boss came in. She was just as surprised to see me as I was her and we spoke for a few minutes. As it turns out, she has an aunt who is very ill and has just started chemo, so she was there to visit. It was really strange. On the bright side, at least my boss knew I was doing something legitimate and not just ditching work for no good reason.

SPERM PANIC

All week, R and I knew we'd have to purchase our donor sperm. At first, I put it off for a day or so while I tried to figure out what to do about shipping. (shipping vs. picking it up, when to ship, etc.) After that, R kept asking me to go ahead and purchase, suggesting I put in on my one and only credit card, which has a very small limit. I'd said to her that there wasn't enough there for me to charge it, but somehow she just thought I was being stubborn and refusing to use my card; a communication misunderstanding to say the least.

Friday (payday), I called the donor bank to verify costs, shipping, etc. As of Friday morning, our donor was available. I needed to check on something with R, however, so I told the woman at the bank I'd call back in the afternoon to order. I went to lunch to celebrate my birthday with co-workers and when I returned, I phoned the bank. The woman then told me that our guy was "sold out"; someone had purchased the last available bit sometime between then and when I'd last called.

I got in touch with R right away, who was immediately upset, as I was, over the fact that our chosen donor was no longer available to us. Of course, we had to choose someone else, so she said she trusted me to decide for us. So, I had to go through the database of available donors and somehow, I found one I like even better than the last donor. He's good-looking, has a wonderful family history, is healthy, gave a thoughtful and intelligent essay, and he seems to be really well-rounded. I think I made a good decision. R thinks he's good, too, although she's still really bummed out about not using the guy we originally picked out. She'd just gotten really excited and used to the idea of that first guy, but she's coming around.

The donor sperm we purchased was only available in unwashed, which kind of sucks because we always buy it washed. Fortunately, washing is a service our doctor's practice offers, so it's not that big of a deal; it's just kind of a pain. The total cost of everything was about $100 cheaper, since they didn't have to wash it, but our doctor charges $100 extra to wash it, so it all evens out in the end.

Well, everything is sneaking up upon us quickly. We're very excited, nervous, concerned, anxious... all of the emotions, all at once. We're just keeping a positive attitude, trying to enjoy ourselves, and we're thankful for all the support we're getting. Our friends and folks with whom we work have all been fabulous. Only a few more days to go...

NEWS FROM JU.

R and I have both been so slack about keeping this blog up-to-date, but it hasn't been without good reason. We've been so busy!

R might have mentioned it in a previous post, but I'm at a new job, which I love. It does keep me busy, though, and learning how to readjust my schedule has been challenging. I used to work from my home office, so cleaning the house and doing the laundry, etc, was never a problem, as I could simply do it any time. Now, I have to plan everything out and I stay busier due to not having as much time to myself during the daytime. I'm not complaining, though. I love my job and I'm not so lonely or bored from being home alone anymore.

R has had an interesting go of it since the new school year started and she's excited about finally getting out of working for the grant she now works for. Soon, she will be in a gifted teaching position, so that's pretty exciting. And since she's finished her third degree (an EdS, which is a step between a Masters and PhD), she'll be getting a nice pay raise, which means more money for us to do what we need.

We may have a buyer for our home, finally, but we won't know anything for sure for at least one more day. We're really hoping it works out for us because there's another house in town that we love, love, love and that would be perfect for us. *knocking on wood*

In baby news, we've got a busy week ahead of us. R started taking steroids this week and she's doubled up on Clomid (the maximum amount allowed), in addition to the prenatals and Metformin she takes daily. We'll go in next Wednesday, the 4th, for an outpatient diagnostic procedure - a histing-something. I can't ever remember the word, but it's a test where they inject dye into your fallopian tubes and then take x-rays to see if there are any blockages. Afterwards, they flush out the tubes to rid them of any dye. The procedure, according to our doctor and everyone we know who has done it, is very painful, but the good news is that the flushing of the tubes increases our chance for successful conception.

After that procedure, we'll do an ultrasound on Friday, the 6th. Depending on those test results, we'll be inseminating either that weekend, or on Monday, the 9th. This, of course, will involve doing an HCG trigger shot to do a timed release of the egg. It's almost too much to keep it all straight.

In other news, this coming Friday (29th of Sept) is my 30th birthday! I'm really looking forward to celebrating with friends. I've got a feeling that my 30th year will be the best ever!

WE AREN'T DEAD JUST BUSY

I know it has been a really long time since either of us posted anything, but things have been a little crazy. Ju has a new job, my job has been completely out of control, and we are in the middle of selling our house.

Okay so here is the short version:

1. We are on an official break from baby hell. For once, I am actually really, really okay with it and not in much of a hurry to rush back into "trying". I think that when we are really ready to do all of that again I/we will really know it. I suspect that will happen sometime late in the Fall, maybe as early as October, but I am not pushing it. My constant inner time table is completely blown anyway, so why not just wait 'til it feels okay again?


2. The house is on the market. We think we have a buyer, but we are waiting to see what happens. In the event that our house sells and the buyer wants to move in quickly, we will be, for the most part, homeless. We do not have a house we want to buy, as our best friends have purchased the house we wanted... oy vay! I help them move next week! We are thinking that we may just rent some little something until we can figure out what to buy. Yet again, the inner time table is blown, so why not just take our time? In the event that we do not sell our house by the middle to end of September, we are just going to stay put until Spring.


3. Ju has a brand new job that is fabulous and has amazing benefits, so we are really excited about this!! My job, on the other hand, has been a little more trying lately and I think that the additional pressure of baby stuff, combined with all of the hormones, might be the thing that pushes me over the edge. So, we wait...

Other than all of that, we are just hanging out with the dogs/cats... hahaha.
I am trying to be much more okay with all of the changes that have occured, as well as okay with the changes that I wanted that didn't occur. I am trying to just enjoy what we have going on right now and accept that things are just going to be a little upside-down for a while. I find myself more often than not really relieved that we don't have another person to care for right this second. We're having enough trouble managing everything as is -- a sure sign that sleep depravation would be a very bad thing to add to the mix right now.

HOW LONG DOES THIS TAKE ANYWAY?

I am SO annoyed that we are going on vacation (I know... you don't really feel sorry for me) and not trying again this month. I know I said previously that I thought it was a good idea for us to take a little break, but I was wrong... I hate it and I want a baby and I want it now!!

The thought that we are doing anything which does not directly work to produce a kid makes me completely crazy. It is my only goal right now. Feel free to think that I have completely lost my mind because I am pretty sure that I have. I know that I am not being rational and as all of my friends with children are happy to point out, I will "miss all of the free time later". But I really could care less.

The idea of going back to work and having to tell all of my friends that the trying was unsuccessful is just awful. Not to mention that it is my job to educate and care for small children, some of whose parents are sometimes less than focused on actually parenting their child. Somehow, this just makes it worse. I think that the only person who has a more difficult job to have while going though this mess is my OBGYN, who told me she went through hell twice to have her little girl, and then quickly concieved two more times very quickly after that. Based on the folks I have seen in her office, my guess is that it would be exactly no fun to deliver babies to 15 year olds while unable to have one yourself.

PLEASE, EVERYONE, COMMENT AND TELL ME HOW MANY MONTHS IT TOOK YOU TO EITHER:
A)GET PREGNANT B)GIVE UP C)COMPLETELY GO CRAZY

By the way, if you were actually lucky enough to get pregnant please tell me what all you did to achieve this.

Maybe I should take up drinking? For me, not the hypothetical pregnancy...

INVESTIGATION CONTINUED...

My friend, Christina, commented on my last "Investigation" post and here's what she had to say:

I have a lot of experience with the whole "business licensing" thingy because I work for a company who offers that to our clients in NC and SC. I checked this company out on the Georgia Secretary of State's office (most every state has info open to the public on businesses) here:

https://corp.sos.state.ga.us


It appears that this non-profit corp. "tried" to file their formation documents in GA on 5/8/2006 and that the filing was "disapproved" for some reason or another. This could simply mean that they didn't fill the form out correctly, left info off, paid the wrong registration fee, etc. The only thing that raises my eyebrow on this company is that they JUST now tried to file their registration to "do business" in GA. This means that they are just now either starting to do business or have been doing business without the proper qualification to do so yet. Just something to think about since you were wanting to find out more about this NP corporation. Hope this helps!

INVESTIGATION

In my last post, I mentioned an adoption agency, Foundations of Light Ministries, which we'd found about while visiting their booth at Atlanata Pride last weekend. We'd looked at their website, hoping to get information, but their site is poorly built and didn't have much available. So, we called and R spoke with someone who explained how things work and said they'd mail us a packet of information. Sure enough, within two days, we had paper information.

Something about it seems really fishy, I can't explain it. Like, it's too good to be true. Also, the only contact information we have is a PO Box address and a 1-800 telephone number. So, I decided to do some investigating.

I contacted the Better Business Bureau. They confirmed that the PO Box address I had was legitimate, but that it's not listed under the name Foundations of Light Ministries. And, BBB had no record of the 1-800 for the organization. The woman I spoke with said that it's not enough to prove the organization is not legit and they'd really only have any information if they'd received any negative reports or complaints. Since they hadn't had any negative reports, they didn't have anything on file. That woman suggested that my next step should be to call the business license office to check if they even had a business license. I haven't done that yet, but I will.

Anyway, I'm left having not the best impression. And I just had to share, since several people have emailed to ask me to pass along information. I'll post more about my "investigation" as it goes along.

TAKING A BREAK

Try #3 didn't work. R is due for her period today/tomorrow, and while she hasn't started yet, she did take a pregnancy test this morning and it read "negative". Additionally, all signs seem to be clear that she will start her period -- skin breakout, tender breasts, moodiness, etc. She seemed pretty upset, but we didn't even have a chance to talk about it because she had to leave quickly for the second day in a two-part job-related workshop she's doing.

While I am disappointed, I'm not as upset this month as in previous months. I think this is due mostly to the fact that R, basically, from just a couple of days after insemination, kept announcing that it didn't work. She said she felt pre-menstrual and well, no one knows her body better than she does, so I didn't question it. I just accepted things early on and didn't allow myself to get excited at all.

We're taking a break from insemination for one month, maybe two. We've had a vacation planned in July for quite a while and had we made the choice to try again next month, it would conflict with our trip. And, quite frankly, at this point we need a vacation more than anything. We're not sure if we'll try again in August. We're leaning towards 'yes', but that's when the school year starts again, which is always stressful. So, who knows. I guess we'll see how we feel as the time draws closer.

We went to Atlanta Pride this past weekend and there was a booth for an organization which specializes in International Adoption, specifically adoption from Mexico. Things were kind of crowded, so we waited to call about it when we got home. Here's the deal: This agency, run by two lesbians, helps individuals to adopt babies from Guanajuato, Mexico. They offer newborns only and you can choose whether you want a boy or a girl. The whole process takes only 180 days and costs $19,000. ($10,000 of this is refundable through the adoption tax credit.) So, basically, if we pursue this, we could potentially have a baby within six months time for approximately $9,000. It's kind of exciting to think about!

R's mom spoke with a psychic on Monday, who told her that R would be pregnant within six months time and that she (my mother-in-law) would be a grandmother within a year's time. I thought it was interesting that the psychic referred to "six months", since we'd just inquired about the 180-day adoption process. It makes me wonder if that's what she was really referring to, although she did say something about R being pregnant. So, who knows.

On another note, we got to meet Amanda and her girlfriend, T, from For the Byrds while we were at Atlanta Pride. They were so friendly and welcoming and well, it was just really nice to meet them!

NOW WE WAIT

So... we are enjoying the forever fabulous two week wait that accompanies the most recent baby try. We know not to expect much and have been pretty low key about the whole thing. Usually, I am really excited at this point, but this time we are just trying to make it to next Friday without losing it. So far, we are doing okay.

We are not trying next month because we are taking a beach vacation at the same time that we are supposed to be having the IUI and I really wasn't in the mood for the drugs this month, much less next month. We decided we would re-evaluate and try in September at the earliest. The reality is that this is how we/I feel today, and tomorrow could be completely different.

On a different and slightly more crazy note, my mom is really sick and has been to see every doctor you can think of and remains largely undiagnosed after about four-plus years and (I know this is a little nuts) has now turned to psychics!!?? Hummm... well, anyhow, mom has another psychic appointment on Thursday and my ability to produce young is on the list of questions. I am both very curious (I know this is messed up) and worried about the answer. I am completely unsure of how accurate any of this is or how much stock I put into this stuff, but it freaks me out all the same. The last person we saw told me that I was never going to have children because "the plumbing doesn't work". I cried the whole way home.... yay!

I really feel like this might be the thing that pushes me over the edge. While the obvious answer is to this issue is to simply to not allow my mother to ask the evil question, I freakishly want to know what she says. I figure I have a 50/50 chance of hearing something positive and she has a 50/50 chance of being right.

P.S. the last psychic also told me that my mom was going to kick the bucket (which obviously hasn't happened yet) and my little bro's marriage was on the way out (that part was on the money but even my cats had bets on that one). As for the baby, the jury is still out... at least I like to think this.

TRY # 3

This morning, we went in for try number three. I was quite grateful to the staff for having everything ready to go when we arrived... the last two times, we were stuck waiting in the lobby for 45 minutes or so each time, waiting for the sperm specimen to thaw out. We were told then that they couldn't thaw it beforehand because something could happen to us on our way over that would delay the insemination time... blah, blah, blah. Anyway, this nurse threw caution to the wind and got everything ready for us. What a relief to not have to wait!

As we were getting out of the car to go into the doctor's office, this woman in the parking lot noticed R, who was walking far ahead of me. (I was dragging behind because I was getting some stuff out of the car to take in with me.) Anyway, this woman (I knew who she was, but was trying to play dumb) was like, "Wait...!", trying to get R's attention, but she'd already gone through the door. Then, this woman looks at me and was like, "What is R doing here?" I'm like, what the hell?!? how rude!, but I just chalked it up to a routine gynecological examination. (This woman is the parent of two kids R's taught for the last two years.) So, anyway, she walks into the clinic and sits down next to R in the lobby and starts asking all of these school-related questions, like where her child would be placed next year, etc. The nerve! Not to mention that she was strung out. The staff in the clinic were so confused and could tell we were uneasy, so they called us back so that this lady would have to leave. It was kind of nuts.

The insemination procedure went really well. Overall, things were really relaxed. We talked to the doctor at length about what happens from here. We got lots of good answers and apparantly, the fact that we only had one follicle is totally normal. The doctor said she would have been more concerned if we'd had, for example, seven follicles. So, anyway, we felt good about the things she said.

So, now, all that's left to do is wait... I just wish someone had a test to check how things were progressing.

In other baby news, I just found out that my cousin, Brandon, and his wife, Katie, are expecting a boy!

ANOTHER TRY TOMORROW

Yesterday, R and I went to our doctor for an ultrasound. After a round of Clomid, we expected to have multiple follicles with which to work, but our examination concluded that we only have one. This is very disappointing news. The doctor said the one follicle and the lining look great, but I think that she, too, was disappointed with the results.

We asked what our course of action should be. She answered by saying that if we were a straight couple, she'd tell us to go home and have intercourse, and wait to do insemination next month when we could take even stronger drugs. But, since we don't have that convenience, she said we should go ahead with the insemination, even though our situation is not optimal.

We had to place an order for a sperm specimen at the last minute yesterday afternoon. We'd put it off for two reasons -- a) We weren't sure if we were going to be doing the insemination until we saw the doctor. b) There weren't any sperm donors listed in the catalog that we were dying to use. The end result? We had to pick someone and fortunately, we feel good about the new donor. (We've had to pick a different donor each time we've inseminated because they keep selling out!) He's a professor and a researcher and obviously quite brilliant. Additionally, he's a bit older (born in 1970), so he probably actually has a clue about what he's getting himself into by agreeing to an "open id" status. All-in-all, we feel good about the selection of this donor.

This morning, we woke at 6:30am and left our house by 7:00am to drive to Augusta to retrieve the tank, in hopes that we could get back in time to join our friends at 11:00 for kayaking on the river. Unfortunately, when we arrived at the cryo facility, they didn't have our stuff ready to go, even though the woman we spoke with yesterday said it was ready then. She knew what time we'd be there this morning, yet she hadn't even bothered to prepare the paperwork packets. So, there we were, waiting for her to finish up and then her photocopier malfunctioned, thus delaying things even further. So, needless to say, we didn't make it back in time to go kayaking. (It's just as well, as I ended up being too tired from battling a head cold this week and crashed when we got home, not waking until late in the afternoon. And Rachel said her arms were really sore from the injections she had last night. She crashed with me. Zzzzzz...)

We go in first thing tomorrow morning for our insemination. At this point, I think we both feel like we're just plodding along. Don't get me wrong; we're excited, but mostly, we're terrified and just sad. It's hard to get excited when you're terrified and sad.

OHHH, THE WAIT TIL WEDNESDAY...

Okay, so I haven't been blogging because I am just a mess!! I am trying not to freakout. We went back to the doctor last week and she said that we would now "graduate" from just doing Metformin cycles to ye old Clomid and Metformin cycles. Yea!?! She said it would hopefully increase the number of eggs we were working with and improve the quality of those eggs.

I have just finished my Clomid challenge thingie... what is this you ask? Well, frankly, hell if I know! All I know is that I had blood work done on day 4 of the cycle and then started taking 100 mg of Clomid every day for five days and then on day 11 (Monday), I will have a second round of blood work done. I know they are checking to see how I react with the Clomid, but I really don't know what they are looking for in the blood work.

On Wednesday, I will have an ultrasound that will tell me how many follicles/eggs we have to work with and then the doctor will decide if we are going to do an IUI this month... UGHHHH!!!! I really feel like I just want to know what the deal is. I want to know how the Clomid has gone now!! I want lots of eggs that are mature and ready to go!

We are also frustrated by the fact that right now our sperm choices are not so great. When Julianna says things to me like, "I can't decide if he is cute or scary", or, "He seems so great; too bad he says he is 'donating sperm because Jesus told him to'... Do you think fundmentalism is genetic?", I know we are up a big creek. Too bad there isn't a sperm o' the month club.

TOMORROW

We go to see our new doctor tomorrow. We switched to the other doctor in the practice. Our old doctor, Dr. L, is a very nice guy, but doesn't really seem confident when it comes to A.I. While Dr L was out of town a couple of weeks ago, we saw his partner, Dr. A, who seemed super-confident and really in tune with what was going on with us. (She actually did our last insemination.) Dr. A is a mom and I feel like she understands how hard it is to wait and hope for a baby. She was also very warm and funny while obviously extremely knowledgeable. She was not clinical and seemed to really understand how we as a couple felt.

Anyway, I was really freaked out about calling the nurse who coordinates all of the fertility stuff and telling her we wanted to switch. I know we are the consumers blah blah blah... but Dr. L is a nice guy and as dumb as this is, I don't want to hurt his feelings! The fertiltiy nurse was great and while she was endlessly professional in her conversation with us, she also made it clear that she understood why we would make the choice to change to Dr. A. I am really looking forward to talking with her and I am equally excited to get moving on what ever we decide is next!

I have to tell the sweet little brother story now... I was talking to my brother (a nearly starving artist living in NYC) and was talking about the very stressful issue of PAYING for all of this stuff since our insurance pays not a cent toward fertility treatment. During our conversation my ADORABLE (and very broke) brother said that he wanted to try to help us out with the cash issue. I of course told him that I thought that was the sweetest thing ever but that he should focus on keeping himself stocked with Ramen and beer. My family has always been very supportive of me as a lesbian and of Juilianna as my partner, but I think that the possibility of a baby has given them a new way to see us and support us as a couple.

OK HERE WE GO AGAIN

ok ok here we go again

Well, as you all know, we are on to try number three. Frankly, I am wondering how much of this I can take. Julianna seems very sane about the whole thing, but I vacillate between feeling okay and freaking completely out.

I went to see my mom the next day after we found out that there was no baby, and she was really supportive. I managed to not cry the whole time I was at her house, which lately has been a major feat. She offered cash to help out with the crazy expensive procedures that are an option (i.e., IVF more drugs etc, etc, etc....) if it should come to that. I was really excited to hear that she was willing to help out in this way and I rationalized our potential acceptance of this money by reminding myself that she did shell out the big bucks for my brother's wedding. Hey, we are probably a bargain by comparison!

Additionally, I find myself trolling adoption sites, watching the heartbreaking stuff on tv this week about foster care, and looking at pictures of children, hoping that one of them will just look like the right kid to me and I will know what to do. I know that one way or another we will become the parents of a child, but I just wonder how all of this will work for us. I have never had much faith in my personal fertility, so while I am generally a pretty optomistic person, this is one area in which I always brace myself for the worst.

I have asked a few friends what IVF was like for them and one of my favorite people said "...you know I tried for three years with my husband to have kids. Then, we walked into an IVF clinic and 15 days later I was pregnant with triplets!" She said it was painful, but not that bad, and that she was given really good drugs. Another woman told me it was the most god-awful, painful, hellish experience of her life. She said she refused all pain meds, even during the egg harvesting, during which she passed out because of the pain. She has two beauitful children as a result. Good for her, but I think I'll take the drugs!

This is another random note: there are a few states that require that the insurance companies pay for IVF. The folks that I know from these states who have had IVF are baffled when they hear me talk about IUI. They all just say "...Well I wasn't getting pregnant after trying for a while, so we did IVF; none of this IUI stuff at all..." AMAZING! They also have generally more positive expereinces, in part because they didn't go through a million IUI cycles.
It makes me wonder what the stats are on IUI vs. IVF and if folks like me trying to get pregnant had finincial help from insurance companies, if fertitly treatment protocol wouldn't be very different?

STARTING AGAIN

Rachel got her period late last night, so we'll have to start all over again. We called our doctor's office this morning and scheduled an appointment for Monday. We hope to then discuss with the doctor what our realistic expectation should be and come up with a plan for what we should do next. We realize we've only tried twice now and that's not much in the grand scheme, but already we're wearing ourselves out emotionally and want the best chance possible. Additionally, our funds are not unlimited, so we need to figure out that end of it, too. We could try a few more times with IUI, but if we have a better chance doing something else, then our money would be more wisely spent doing that. Or, if we need to just put what's left towards adoption, then we need to know, ya know? Anyway, we're pretty disappointed, but glad to have lots of support.

WHAT IS THE DEAL?!?

What is the deal?! It seems like everyone around us has either just adopted a baby, given birth, or is pregnant. Seriously!

Our friends, Sarah and Holly, just adopted Thea. Katey and Matt, who live in Seattle, just had their baby, Max. Rachel's buddy, Stephanie, and Stephanie's partner, just had their baby, Laurel. I also found out that a childhood friend, Brent, and his wife, just had a little boy, Jimmie. To top it all off, this week alone, I found out that my friend, Christina, is expecting, as well as another friend, Dana.

It's so damn frustrating!

XYTEX & ZYTEX

Just a funny...

The sperm bank we use is Xytex. (pronounced Zytex)

I just saw a commercial for a mouthwash called "Breath Rx, featuring Zytex".

Hahaha...

QUESTION

Okay, folks, I gotta ask -- did any of you feel any differently after insemination? I especially want to hear from those of you who got pregnant. Did you have any symptoms or any way that you felt that led you to think you were pregnant before you found out for sure?

RACHEL SAYS...

We've had a busy month...

I finally finished my specialist degree (an EdS, which is a step between a Masters and PhD) from the university this week, which is exciting because: A) it will give me more free time B) it will give us more money because with my newest advanced degree, I will get a raise!

We're trying to get our house ready to sell, so we can move from our tiny house to one that will be more accomodating for a family. We're really excited about having a new house, but I had to promise Julianna a new wiener dog when we move. Julianna's not a fan of moving and I hope I really love our new home because I doubt she'll ever let us move again after that! The new house, which we've selected already, needs to have a lot done so it should keep us pretty busy for the summer.

As far as baby news goes -- right now, we're hanging out in maybe-baby land. We inseminated on Friday and I feel really positive and confident that things will work out, but it's hard to tell because I felt the same way last time. It's like my body and mind plays tricks on me, leaving me really confused. We'll know for sure in about two-and-a-half to three weeks. I have to say, I am really hoping this is it because this is really stressful! Additionally, I also believe that we have the world's best donor. He is absolutely beautiful and seems like he'd be a really nice person. His baby photo looks so much like my little brother, who is my favorite person, so that makes me happy. Julianna actually picked him without my input because it was a last-minute decision. (Our choice prior to that was "sold out") I have to say if this works, we'll purchase more to make baby number two down the road.

Other than that, we're planning our annual jaunt to Tybee Island for a week in the summer and I'll be spending a lot of time with my Mom while Julianna is working. I am hoping that with the sale of the house and our extra income, we'll have a little extra to take a super-nice vacation, but that's probably a long shot. We're also eagerly awaiting the opening of the university's swimming pool.

For the most part, I'm looking to take it easy this summer and enjoy myself. It's the first time ever that I've had time off from both work and school. So, hopefully, with my added level of relaxation, we'll have a better shot with this baby business. Keep your fingers crossed for us!

CHASING A NEEDLE

Last night, we went to Linda's house for her to give Rachel an HCG injection. I prepped the injection and just as Linda was about to stick Rachel, she stopped to say there wasn't any way we could use that needle. The doctor's office provided only one needle with the kit and it was the same needle that had to be stuck two different times through the rubber tip in the neck of the vials to draw up the medicine. (one vial with saline, the next with Novarel) In the process, the needle became a bit dull and certainly, you wouldn't want to be stuck with a dull needle!

Fortunately, Linda lives next door to the OB who referred us to the doctor doing the insemination, so she called him up to ask about getting a fresh needle from him. As luck would have it, he had plenty of sterile packaged needles on hand and we were able to get a new one to do the injection. Yay!

I don't know what would have happened if we had done the injection at home. Oh, wait, yes I do -- Rachel would have killed me. She's such a needle-phobe, you basically get one time to do it right with her and then it's all over. If I'd been stuck with that dull needle, one of us would have ended up hurting the other.

Lucky for us, Athens is a small town and we were able to get what we needed. One strange thing, though, the doctor's office gave us no instruction on what to do with the needles once we disposed of them. Fortunately, Linda works in a lab and said she'd dispose of them at work for us.

Anyway, I am just glad this part is all over and if for some reason we ever have to do this again, we'll be calling Linda!