Wednesday, June 28, 2006


Try #3 didn't work. R is due for her period today/tomorrow, and while she hasn't started yet, she did take a pregnancy test this morning and it read "negative". Additionally, all signs seem to be clear that she will start her period -- skin breakout, tender breasts, moodiness, etc. She seemed pretty upset, but we didn't even have a chance to talk about it because she had to leave quickly for the second day in a two-part job-related workshop she's doing.

While I am disappointed, I'm not as upset this month as in previous months. I think this is due mostly to the fact that R, basically, from just a couple of days after insemination, kept announcing that it didn't work. She said she felt pre-menstrual and well, no one knows her body better than she does, so I didn't question it. I just accepted things early on and didn't allow myself to get excited at all.

We're taking a break from insemination for one month, maybe two. We've had a vacation planned in July for quite a while and had we made the choice to try again next month, it would conflict with our trip. And, quite frankly, at this point we need a vacation more than anything. We're not sure if we'll try again in August. We're leaning towards 'yes', but that's when the school year starts again, which is always stressful. So, who knows. I guess we'll see how we feel as the time draws closer.

We went to Atlanta Pride this past weekend and there was a booth for an organization which specializes in International Adoption, specifically adoption from Mexico. Things were kind of crowded, so we waited to call about it when we got home. Here's the deal: This agency, run by two lesbians, helps individuals to adopt babies from Guanajuato, Mexico. They offer newborns only and you can choose whether you want a boy or a girl. The whole process takes only 180 days and costs $19,000. ($10,000 of this is refundable through the adoption tax credit.) So, basically, if we pursue this, we could potentially have a baby within six months time for approximately $9,000. It's kind of exciting to think about!

R's mom spoke with a psychic on Monday, who told her that R would be pregnant within six months time and that she (my mother-in-law) would be a grandmother within a year's time. I thought it was interesting that the psychic referred to "six months", since we'd just inquired about the 180-day adoption process. It makes me wonder if that's what she was really referring to, although she did say something about R being pregnant. So, who knows.

On another note, we got to meet Amanda and her girlfriend, T, from For the Byrds while we were at Atlanta Pride. They were so friendly and welcoming and well, it was just really nice to meet them!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


So... we are enjoying the forever fabulous two week wait that accompanies the most recent baby try. We know not to expect much and have been pretty low key about the whole thing. Usually, I am really excited at this point, but this time we are just trying to make it to next Friday without losing it. So far, we are doing okay.

We are not trying next month because we are taking a beach vacation at the same time that we are supposed to be having the IUI and I really wasn't in the mood for the drugs this month, much less next month. We decided we would re-evaluate and try in September at the earliest. The reality is that this is how we/I feel today, and tomorrow could be completely different.

On a different and slightly more crazy note, my mom is really sick and has been to see every doctor you can think of and remains largely undiagnosed after about four-plus years and (I know this is a little nuts) has now turned to psychics!!?? Hummm... well, anyhow, mom has another psychic appointment on Thursday and my ability to produce young is on the list of questions. I am both very curious (I know this is messed up) and worried about the answer. I am completely unsure of how accurate any of this is or how much stock I put into this stuff, but it freaks me out all the same. The last person we saw told me that I was never going to have children because "the plumbing doesn't work". I cried the whole way home.... yay!

I really feel like this might be the thing that pushes me over the edge. While the obvious answer is to this issue is to simply to not allow my mother to ask the evil question, I freakishly want to know what she says. I figure I have a 50/50 chance of hearing something positive and she has a 50/50 chance of being right.

P.S. the last psychic also told me that my mom was going to kick the bucket (which obviously hasn't happened yet) and my little bro's marriage was on the way out (that part was on the money but even my cats had bets on that one). As for the baby, the jury is still out... at least I like to think this.

Friday, June 16, 2006

TRY # 3

This morning, we went in for try number three. I was quite grateful to the staff for having everything ready to go when we arrived... the last two times, we were stuck waiting in the lobby for 45 minutes or so each time, waiting for the sperm specimen to thaw out. We were told then that they couldn't thaw it beforehand because something could happen to us on our way over that would delay the insemination time... blah, blah, blah. Anyway, this nurse threw caution to the wind and got everything ready for us. What a relief to not have to wait!

As we were getting out of the car to go into the doctor's office, this woman in the parking lot noticed R, who was walking far ahead of me. (I was dragging behind because I was getting some stuff out of the car to take in with me.) Anyway, this woman (I knew who she was, but was trying to play dumb) was like, "Wait...!", trying to get R's attention, but she'd already gone through the door. Then, this woman looks at me and was like, "What is R doing here?" I'm like, what the hell?!? how rude!, but I just chalked it up to a routine gynecological examination. (This woman is the parent of two kids R's taught for the last two years.) So, anyway, she walks into the clinic and sits down next to R in the lobby and starts asking all of these school-related questions, like where her child would be placed next year, etc. The nerve! Not to mention that she was strung out. The staff in the clinic were so confused and could tell we were uneasy, so they called us back so that this lady would have to leave. It was kind of nuts.

The insemination procedure went really well. Overall, things were really relaxed. We talked to the doctor at length about what happens from here. We got lots of good answers and apparantly, the fact that we only had one follicle is totally normal. The doctor said she would have been more concerned if we'd had, for example, seven follicles. So, anyway, we felt good about the things she said.

So, now, all that's left to do is wait... I just wish someone had a test to check how things were progressing.

In other baby news, I just found out that my cousin, Brandon, and his wife, Katie, are expecting a boy!

Thursday, June 15, 2006


Yesterday, R and I went to our doctor for an ultrasound. After a round of Clomid, we expected to have multiple follicles with which to work, but our examination concluded that we only have one. This is very disappointing news. The doctor said the one follicle and the lining look great, but I think that she, too, was disappointed with the results.

We asked what our course of action should be. She answered by saying that if we were a straight couple, she'd tell us to go home and have intercourse, and wait to do insemination next month when we could take even stronger drugs. But, since we don't have that convenience, she said we should go ahead with the insemination, even though our situation is not optimal.

We had to place an order for a sperm specimen at the last minute yesterday afternoon. We'd put it off for two reasons -- a) We weren't sure if we were going to be doing the insemination until we saw the doctor. b) There weren't any sperm donors listed in the catalog that we were dying to use. The end result? We had to pick someone and fortunately, we feel good about the new donor. (We've had to pick a different donor each time we've inseminated because they keep selling out!) He's a professor and a researcher and obviously quite brilliant. Additionally, he's a bit older (born in 1970), so he probably actually has a clue about what he's getting himself into by agreeing to an "open id" status. All-in-all, we feel good about the selection of this donor.

This morning, we woke at 6:30am and left our house by 7:00am to drive to Augusta to retrieve the tank, in hopes that we could get back in time to join our friends at 11:00 for kayaking on the river. Unfortunately, when we arrived at the cryo facility, they didn't have our stuff ready to go, even though the woman we spoke with yesterday said it was ready then. She knew what time we'd be there this morning, yet she hadn't even bothered to prepare the paperwork packets. So, there we were, waiting for her to finish up and then her photocopier malfunctioned, thus delaying things even further. So, needless to say, we didn't make it back in time to go kayaking. (It's just as well, as I ended up being too tired from battling a head cold this week and crashed when we got home, not waking until late in the afternoon. And Rachel said her arms were really sore from the injections she had last night. She crashed with me. Zzzzzz...)

We go in first thing tomorrow morning for our insemination. At this point, I think we both feel like we're just plodding along. Don't get me wrong; we're excited, but mostly, we're terrified and just sad. It's hard to get excited when you're terrified and sad.

Saturday, June 10, 2006


Okay, so I haven't been blogging because I am just a mess!! I am trying not to freakout. We went back to the doctor last week and she said that we would now "graduate" from just doing Metformin cycles to ye old Clomid and Metformin cycles. Yea!?! She said it would hopefully increase the number of eggs we were working with and improve the quality of those eggs.

I have just finished my Clomid challenge thingie... what is this you ask? Well, frankly, hell if I know! All I know is that I had blood work done on day 4 of the cycle and then started taking 100 mg of Clomid every day for five days and then on day 11 (Monday), I will have a second round of blood work done. I know they are checking to see how I react with the Clomid, but I really don't know what they are looking for in the blood work.

On Wednesday, I will have an ultrasound that will tell me how many follicles/eggs we have to work with and then the doctor will decide if we are going to do an IUI this month... UGHHHH!!!! I really feel like I just want to know what the deal is. I want to know how the Clomid has gone now!! I want lots of eggs that are mature and ready to go!

We are also frustrated by the fact that right now our sperm choices are not so great. When Julianna says things to me like, "I can't decide if he is cute or scary", or, "He seems so great; too bad he says he is 'donating sperm because Jesus told him to'... Do you think fundmentalism is genetic?", I know we are up a big creek. Too bad there isn't a sperm o' the month club.

Sunday, June 04, 2006


We go to see our new doctor tomorrow. We switched to the other doctor in the practice. Our old doctor, Dr. L, is a very nice guy, but doesn't really seem confident when it comes to A.I. While Dr L was out of town a couple of weeks ago, we saw his partner, Dr. A, who seemed super-confident and really in tune with what was going on with us. (She actually did our last insemination.) Dr. A is a mom and I feel like she understands how hard it is to wait and hope for a baby. She was also very warm and funny while obviously extremely knowledgeable. She was not clinical and seemed to really understand how we as a couple felt.

Anyway, I was really freaked out about calling the nurse who coordinates all of the fertility stuff and telling her we wanted to switch. I know we are the consumers blah blah blah... but Dr. L is a nice guy and as dumb as this is, I don't want to hurt his feelings! The fertiltiy nurse was great and while she was endlessly professional in her conversation with us, she also made it clear that she understood why we would make the choice to change to Dr. A. I am really looking forward to talking with her and I am equally excited to get moving on what ever we decide is next!

I have to tell the sweet little brother story now... I was talking to my brother (a nearly starving artist living in NYC) and was talking about the very stressful issue of PAYING for all of this stuff since our insurance pays not a cent toward fertility treatment. During our conversation my ADORABLE (and very broke) brother said that he wanted to try to help us out with the cash issue. I of course told him that I thought that was the sweetest thing ever but that he should focus on keeping himself stocked with Ramen and beer. My family has always been very supportive of me as a lesbian and of Juilianna as my partner, but I think that the possibility of a baby has given them a new way to see us and support us as a couple.

Saturday, June 03, 2006


ok ok here we go again

Well, as you all know, we are on to try number three. Frankly, I am wondering how much of this I can take. Julianna seems very sane about the whole thing, but I vacillate between feeling okay and freaking completely out.

I went to see my mom the next day after we found out that there was no baby, and she was really supportive. I managed to not cry the whole time I was at her house, which lately has been a major feat. She offered cash to help out with the crazy expensive procedures that are an option (i.e., IVF more drugs etc, etc, etc....) if it should come to that. I was really excited to hear that she was willing to help out in this way and I rationalized our potential acceptance of this money by reminding myself that she did shell out the big bucks for my brother's wedding. Hey, we are probably a bargain by comparison!

Additionally, I find myself trolling adoption sites, watching the heartbreaking stuff on tv this week about foster care, and looking at pictures of children, hoping that one of them will just look like the right kid to me and I will know what to do. I know that one way or another we will become the parents of a child, but I just wonder how all of this will work for us. I have never had much faith in my personal fertility, so while I am generally a pretty optomistic person, this is one area in which I always brace myself for the worst.

I have asked a few friends what IVF was like for them and one of my favorite people said " know I tried for three years with my husband to have kids. Then, we walked into an IVF clinic and 15 days later I was pregnant with triplets!" She said it was painful, but not that bad, and that she was given really good drugs. Another woman told me it was the most god-awful, painful, hellish experience of her life. She said she refused all pain meds, even during the egg harvesting, during which she passed out because of the pain. She has two beauitful children as a result. Good for her, but I think I'll take the drugs!

This is another random note: there are a few states that require that the insurance companies pay for IVF. The folks that I know from these states who have had IVF are baffled when they hear me talk about IUI. They all just say "...Well I wasn't getting pregnant after trying for a while, so we did IVF; none of this IUI stuff at all..." AMAZING! They also have generally more positive expereinces, in part because they didn't go through a million IUI cycles.
It makes me wonder what the stats are on IUI vs. IVF and if folks like me trying to get pregnant had finincial help from insurance companies, if fertitly treatment protocol wouldn't be very different?

Friday, June 02, 2006


Rachel got her period late last night, so we'll have to start all over again. We called our doctor's office this morning and scheduled an appointment for Monday. We hope to then discuss with the doctor what our realistic expectation should be and come up with a plan for what we should do next. We realize we've only tried twice now and that's not much in the grand scheme, but already we're wearing ourselves out emotionally and want the best chance possible. Additionally, our funds are not unlimited, so we need to figure out that end of it, too. We could try a few more times with IUI, but if we have a better chance doing something else, then our money would be more wisely spent doing that. Or, if we need to just put what's left towards adoption, then we need to know, ya know? Anyway, we're pretty disappointed, but glad to have lots of support.