Saturday, November 11, 2006


Last night it came to my attention that the subfloor in our one and only bathroom is rotting! I am basically so freaked about this, I cannot even express it. I know it is not the end of the world and a contractor referred to us by a good friend is coming out this week to asses the damage. It is just MORE MONEY that is being sucked away from OUR BABY. I think the whole bathroom redo will come in around $5,000 or so. YUCK! Especially because the bathroom is really cute already, so it is not much of a cosmetic plus.

Additionally, somehow the plug to the refrigerator managed to become unplugged for about 48 hours and we had (i.e. I felt it prudent) to throw out all of the groceries ( I really fear food poisoning after having lived in Asia for a few years and having some HELLISH previous experiences). Again, it's not the end of the world, but it has been a hell of a week!

Ju took me out and let me test-drive strollers today, which is what I do when I am really bummed about all of this crap that is going on in our lives. I can't wait 'til we can look back and laugh. (By the way, I have decided that I want a mint green Peg Perego lightweight stroller with a matching click-in baby car seat and a McClaran Volo for quick trips. The crazier the color, the better.) Have I mentioned that I have already picked the nusery stuff, too? My friends (sometimes Ju, too) think that I am crazy, but they are unfortunately not surprised... I am compulsive. Feel free not to make too much fun of me for this.

In another week and a half I start taking more drugs than I have ever taken before. The truth is I am scared. Scared of all of the drugs, not getting pregnant, using a known donor, "wasting" more money by not getting pregnant, or worst of all, having to deal with the reality that this may never happen for us. The fancy-schmancy stoller may always just be on the wish list, and I will have to say things like "Well, we tried, but it just never worked out for us".

I remember when we started trying that a friend (who no less than a decade ago went through fertility hell and decided to just let it go and be happy with her husband) was very sweet and listened to me be unbelievably sure that this would happen, quickly. Then, when we lost that first pregnancy, she was supportive and said that while it was awful, at least I knew what it would feel like (emotionally) when it didn't work. The problem is that it feels different every time. It is brand new every time. Until now, every time we have tried has felt like brand new hope and excitement. This round, I lack that enthusiasm and it all feels like worry that I have a week and a half to shake off. OY, any suggestions?

1 comment:

Melody said...

No advice unfortunately, but I know where you are because I'm there, too. I admit that I am losing hope. The one consolation is that I keep thinking that maybe if I stop hoping, I'll be less stressed out that second half of the month-- and then maybe something will really happen. Everybody says that it happens when you least expect it, but I don't know how that's supposed to work when you're a lesbian, and if you're not expecting something to happen, it's because you didn't put events in motion to make it happen. Because there are no surprises here, people-- really. We don't magically end up pregnant like straight girls sometimes do.

And ditto on what a toll this takes on your romantic relationship. If Vanessa and I didn't believe in occasional counseling for relationship maintenance, I don't know how we'd be keeping it together right now. Thank goodness insurance at least pays for couples counseling-- even if it doesn't pay for sperm and IUIs.