Sunday, October 08, 2006


Okay, I know that this is really crazy because I am not a calm person. People who know me can attest to this. I am pretty manic, and go a little nuts if things don't go my way. However, I am feeling oddly calm; so calm it makes me uncalm. It truly feels just like things are going to be just great and I don't really have to sweat it. Baby or no baby, we will be exactly perfect. It might just be my own body's relief over not being poked, prodded, tested, medicated, and messed with for a few weeks, or it might be that we have reached what I am sure is a brief stint experiencing the zen and art o' baby making.

This is not to say that I am sure it will work, only sure that we/our drs./the donor, etc. have done our dead-level best and that we are getting closer, even if we are not actually there yet. That a baby could happen.

I have had plenty of days where I thought that it was impossible, that it was really just time to give up and admit that it was time to talk seriously about trying to adopt. I am not against adoption, for us or anyone else. I think that it is great. I am just afraid of all of the horror stories. Not that fertility doesn't come with horror, but it is a horror that I feel more in control of (I don't claim to make sense). It worries me to think that a new mom whose child was promised to us could change her mind and we could walk away without a baby when we were so close. I know that if/when we get to a point where adoption makes sense for us that we will not hesitate. I am just glad that day is not today and that hope has returned in whatever small way to this endeavor and to us as a couple.

Obviously, we talked about how hard it was to try and not be successful or be semi-successful for a day. I just don't really think even I knew how hard this had been on us individually or collectively until things changed and the process started looking promising again. Even when we started the process this round we were so cautious and sad. I have just been braced for the bottom to fall out any minute. Everything changed when the egg count was up and the sperm looked like they were actually MOVING.

Like I said, I am sure that this is only a moment of calm in a much wider and wilder sea of parent making and parenting, but it is nice to be in right now. I appreciate the break.

1 comment:

Amanda said...

Hey girls, sorry i've been so out of the circle lately. i'm glad to hear that you are feeling calm about moving forward--we will be wishing you the best!!