Friday, March 30, 2007


We have not said anything because, well, we just haven't... but we are trying again and things look good so far. We are doing another (god help us) IUI cycle with the mother-load of drugs (not injectables).

We had our ultrasound today and there are five, count em', five egg follicles! Two on one side are small, but the other side has three very good-looking follicles. My doctor pointed out that one of the follicles had a large and visible cell mass within it, which surround the actual egg. It was very cool to see on the ultrasound. Plus, my very sweet doctor told me that when she finally got pregnant with her first child, after much fertility hell and at least one miscarriage, it was when she had one of these same visible eggs. Additionally, the endometrial lining was really good (9 mm on day 11!! and we still have two days of estrogen support/supplementation to go).

We are pretty excited, but we are also very aware of the realities of our situation. We have decided to go through with this cycle, and if necessary, one more after that before we re-evaluate the IVF and/or adoption option. Both of our doctors really pushed for us to continue the IUI cycles in the hope that we would hit the jackpot and avoid all the IVF fun/expense.

The risk is, of course, another miscarriage. My doctor has made it pretty clear that if we do get pregnant again that they will be watching me very, very closely. I suspect that if there is anyway for her to help support the pregnancy, she will do it. The only thing that makes me feel better about all of this is the fact that we have obsessively followed EVERY one of my doctor's orders and suggestions.

But, yeah, we have five follicles!!! Woo-hoo!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007


Okay, just now I was walking up the hall of my building, headed towards the bathroom. My boss' daughter-in-law works in my building and knows that R and I were/are trying to have a kid, although I don't recall ever telling her myself.

So, anyway, she stops me in the hall:
Rachel: "You and R are trying to have a kid, right?"
Me: "We've been on a break, but yes..."
Rachel: "Well, let me show you what you have to look forward to! (points at a stain on her jacket) Charles got snot all over my jacket this morning!"

Then, for some random reason, she started telling me all about her labor and delivery. It was gross. I kept trying to get away, but she wouldn't shut up. Then:

Rachel: "I know y'all have had some miscarriages... my mom was an alcoholic and drug addict... and she had, like, 9 miscarriages before she carried full-term with me... not to discourage you or anything..."

What the fuck?! Clearly, her mom had a drug problem, which may or may not have contributed to all of her miscarriages. But where is the connection to me and R? We don't do drugs, we don't drink, we don't smoke, etc. Was she equating gay-ness with drug addiction?

Oh, wait. It gets worse.

Rachel: "Well, I haven't had a miscarriage, but I've had some abortions, and it's the same thing..."

Oh, no she didn't! I think all those drugs her mom did must have fried her brain in-utero. The nerve of some people!

Monday, March 19, 2007


As I've mentioned before, I have a few health issues but no certain diagnosis. I've been shuffled from one doctor/specialist to another, only to have made no progress. One person says I have raging PCOS, another says I have an adrenal dysfunction. Certainly, my hormone levels indicate that it could truly go both ways. Some of the side effects: excessive weight gain (ie, nearly 100 lbs. in less than six months time), thinning hair, etc. It's been a nightmare.

That's why I was so excited about going to see the same specialist R sees for IVF stuff. When I went with R to her first appointment, Dr. S talked to me briefly about my issues (only after he asked why I wasn't "trying-to-conceive" myself) and was very encouraging, recommending that I come see him for a diagnosis and a treatment plan. He'd been so extremely nice, sensitive, kind, etc. with us regarding all the pregnancy stuff, IUI, IVF, etc., that I felt good about going to see him for myself. I made an appointment and waited eagerly for a couple of weeks to see him.

So, the other day (Wed. 03/14) R and I went to see Dr. S (she had an appointment, too). We scheduled our appointments for the same day because he's an hour away from us and this way, we could just knock it all out at once. Well, R's appointment was first and with the nurse. We met with her and went over all kinds of stuff. Then, it was time for my appointment with Dr. S.

Now, when I made my appointment, the office manager sent over all the patient registration forms via email. I filled them all out, listing R as my "person" (for HIPAA reasons), just as R had done with me on her forms. When we actually showed up for the appointment, the nurse had me and R sign those forms and date them. Then, she weighed me, took my blood pressure, etc. I hate to wait a few minutes before I could begin the consult portion of my appointment with Dr. S, but when I was finally called back, I was told R could not come in with me. Supposedly, it had something to do with HIPAA stuff, but it was obvious to us later that Dr. S simply didn't want anyone in the room that could give input or advocate for me. My consult with him was horrible.

Dr. S reviewed my charts and even to an untrained eye, it is clear that I have a medical problem. Despite all the evidence, he wanted to turn it into a weight issue and obsess about that. He was not kind or senstive at all; in fact, he was an asshole about it all. To make matters worse, he couldn't make up his mind about what to recommend. First, he said I needed to eat more (as it is, I generally consume between 800 and 1,000 calories a day, which ain't much). Then he later said I should have gastric bypass surgery. So, which is it? Should I eat more, or have my stomach cut in half? Talk about contradiction.

As far as some of my symptoms go, his approach was not to treat them. ie, for facial hair, he suggested laser treament to remove it. Okay, so that might work, but it would be costly and wouldn't solve the problem. I'd still be a mess inside. This was just one instance of many of rediculous suggestions he had.

Dr. S seemed shocked to learn that my blood pressure is low and my cholesterol looks, as he said, "outta site!". My "bad" cholesteral is low, while my "good" cholesterol is really high. I don't know; it's like he thinks I'm simply a fat-ass and was expecting to see test results that reflect me taking poor care of myself. This wasn't the case. Ha!

Did I mention I had a cold when I went to see him? I was coughing, sneezing, and blowing my nose all over the place. R and I had stopped to fill my car with gas on our way to the appointment. When I'm sick, the only thing I care to drink is ginger ale. So, I got some in the convenience store. They didn't have diet ginger ale available. In fact, they only had one kind at all, so that's what I bought. Well, when Dr. S saw it, he said, "First of all, what are you doing with that crap?! You don't need the sugar... you need to throw that shit in the garbage..." and then proceeded to chew me out. I'm sitting there, like, dude, I'm sick with a cold!

Well, Dr. S did order some more blood work and tests. This, to me, suggests that he does think something is wrong. I mean, if you were convinced nothing was wrong, why would you bother to do a bunch of stuff that you clearly don't want to deal with? The fact that his answers throughout my consult were all-over-the-place clearly translates into: he doesn't know what's wrong, either, and doesn't want to admit it. Asshole.

Coincidentally and magically, at the very end of my consult, they finally let R come back into the room. He was, again, so nice to her. But then, he'd turn to me and say something so snappy and awful. R and I looked at each other like, what the fuck?! It was like Jekyll and Hyde or something, like she and I were talking to two different sides of the same person in front of us. I had to do a physical exam, which they also let R sit in on. Why would they let her do that and not be there for the consult? Like I said, I really think it was so he could blast me without having her there to express any thoughts/opinions. (anyone who knows R can vouch that she's not afraid to speak up when something is wrong)

Oh, one thing I forgot --
I said to Dr. S that at some point, I'd like to "try" myself, but before I could elaborate to say that my health was my first priority and I wanted to wait until I had that under control, he cut me off mid-sentence. He was like, "'d have to lose a ton of weight before I'd even think of letting you try..." Well, if this is the case, then why was he pressuring me the last time we were in his office to try myself? Obviously, he knew then I was overweight; he could see it and I didn't look any different for either appointment. Again, it just didn't add up.

Well, he wants me to try some "special diet". That's okay with me; I'm open to trying things. My plan is to document the hell out of it, which shouldn't be hard for me because I'm kind of obsessive about writing stuff down anyways. Hopefully, his suggestion will produce some results, but if it doesn't, at least I will have the documention to say, "you were wrong."

R was really pissed with the way I was treated. And I, obviously, am pissed. In fact, I've been stewing for days on end. The way he treated me was totally uncalled for and very unprofessional. I wondered why he'd been so nice to R and not me. As she explained it, he has a very expensive product to sell her -- ie, an IVF that costs thousands upon thousands of dollars. It's clear he thinks she'll boost his success rates. But with me, he doesn't have a product to sell and I could be a riskier candidate for pregnancy, therefore lowering his success rates.

It's always about business, isn't it? But if that's the case, why he ask me to come see him in the first place?! Ooooh, I'm so bloody mad! What do you guys think?

Thursday, March 15, 2007


After our visit to the IVF clinic yesterday, I have to say that I am not sure I can do this. It is just a lot of cash, a lot of shots, and a lot of hell to go through for a 60% chance of having a baby. I would love to have a baby, but I just don't think I can risk that kind of cash for something that has a 40% chance of tanking.

We did find out that we have a chance of getting back into the study. I know, I know... you are sitting there wondering what the heck is going on with this study... we are, too. I was told that the clinic has enough leftover drugs to accomodate about 5-10 more study participants. For now, though, they are waiting for the head doctor to decide if he/she wants to add more people to the study or just return the drugs to the company that provided them for the study. The nurse who handles the studies said she had my file on her desk (along with the other 4 waiting patients) and that she asks at least once a week about the possibility of adding us to the study. She told us that he just keeps saying "not yet"... whatever that means. We will just have to wait and see, but I am not getting my hopes up.

I am hopeful that the next round of IUI will do the trick (our drug protocol is different this time). We are gathering adoption information and trying to sort out what is the best answer for us. If anybody has adoption connections that we should look into, please pass them along.

Sunday, March 11, 2007


So, as you can see we just couldn't stand it any longer. We broke down and got another dog in the place of the pesky and illusive baby. We really needed something fun to happen and.... well Otto is fun, and a total cuddle-monster. I have joked that there must be something wrong with him b/c he is so calm.

I am on a school break which is making me very happy!!! I really needed the break. We are gearing up for the next try and we will start the new drugs around/on the 20th, and I am hopeful. What can I say; Spring has that affect on me. Maybe we will win the chromosomal lotto? You never can tell what will happen.

In other funky news, the house next to our best couple friends has been foreclosed on and will be on the market soon. It is far from a sure thing, but it would be fabulous to live next to them. It is a fun thought that involves much less cooking than I currently do... hehehe. I plan to invade their gay-boy kitchen a lot if we live next door.

They have been trying to adopt from the foster care system and are about as annoyed with it as we are with fertility. It is always nice to feel like we are not alone in our long and annoying quest for a family.

Hope everybody is enjoying the early time change.

See ya!

Saturday, March 10, 2007


Meet our new "son", Otto:

To read more about Otto, visit Ju's other blog at Ju. 2007.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007


It looks like we will be doing another round of IUI, with all of the new drug combos recomended by Dr. S. I can't say that I am all that excited about it, but I am pretty sure that it is the right thing to do. I figure we will go one or two more rounds of dual IUI with the new drugs, and then regroup. I truly have no idea what we will do after this. Ju may try if our doctor can get her issues dealt with and if she looks more promising than I do. Or, we may move forward with the IVF. It is hard to know what to do. Right now I am probably happier and more physically comfortable than I have been in a year. My body is slowly returning to normal and I have started to lose some of the weight that I packed on during the hormonal highs and lows of the last year. I would not be suprised if we take a pretty big break (6 months or more) after these next two tries. I know that this sounds a little negative and maybe it is. I am hopeful that we will get lucky in the next few months, but I am also aware of our chances. We have been here a few too many times to be anything other than very realistic. I never thought I would feel this way, but it might be time to think about having a life beyond this. I don't think if we wait another six months or a year that it will really hurt our chances of getting pregnant (we will both be 31 in late summer/early fall). I would love to be a mom, but not at the cost of our relationship and my sanity. I have been spending more time with Z at school, and while there is no way to know if that will all work out or even if it should, I am very much open to the posibility. We will just have to see what the next few months hold in store.