BAD NEWS...

Okay, so this is the last round of IUI (probably)... OY! Just to bring everyone up to speed this is the 6th cycle in 10 months. All cycles were done with oral medication, except for the first one. And all have been with frozen donor sperm.

We will do two inseminations this month, one on Tuesday (Jan 2nd) and one on Wednesday (Jan 3rd). Both will be with Dr. No-personality, who we essentially "fired" about nine months ago (just great). My wonderful Dr. A is going to the beach with her kids and hubby, thus will not be available. By the time we have results, it will be time to see the IVF doctor (we see him on Jan 15th).

I went for my ultrasound today (I refer this to as "egg day"). This is day 11 of my cycle and while my doctor seemed to feel okay about the results (two follicles measuring at 17 and 18) and the uterine lining measuring at six. She insisted that this was okay, but I was not impressed. I wanted to die and crawl under the table. I am pissy and very difficult to live with at this point. I feel sorry for Ju. I know that she wants me to buck up a little bit, but I seem to be incapable of this and am pretty much inconsolable.

The good news is that Christmas is blissfully over. I would like to point out that I managed to not cry publicly the entire time I was with the family, which is one small accomplishment.

Ju keeps telling me that she still believes we'll be okay, that we can get pregnant and that the IVF guy may have some real ideas (he's a reproductive endocrinologist, so she says he'll know more about hormone stuff). I have MUCH less enthusiasm for this. I am just afraid he is going to tell me my eggs look like crap or that I am just broken. This evening Ju said "aren't you tired?" and the answer is yes, I am really, really, really tired and frustrated and hurt and a million other things. I just don't know what to do.

If I knew how to fix this, I would. I am pretty type-A and hate to "fail"/give up. Ju says that I am freaking out way too early (because we haven't even met the IVF guy and already, I'm expecting the worst) and that we just have to hang in there for what the doctor actually has to say. I am sure that she is right; I am just not good at not worrying.

I really hope things look better tomorrow. In the meantime, it is our/my New Years resolution to have a freaking life beyond fertility!