MORE... (AND KEEP THOSE URLs COMING!)

I had to see Dr. A today for my own issues -- specifically, a follow-up exam to see how a cyst on my left ovary is doing. The lab technician, Linda, did the exam, which was kind of nice. The last time Dr. A did it, I felt so uptight and nervous, and I think this is because I deal with her so much. It was just too wierd having someone I feel like I know fairly well (we spend a lot of time in that office!) poking and prodding me.

Anyway, the ultrasound Linda did looked bad from my perspective. I've certainly seen enough ultrasounds on screen at this point to know what to look for and when she got to my left ovary (the right one was perfect), I could see the cyst glaring at me from the screen. It looked like a huge black hole/spot on the screen. She measured it at an inch-and-a-half. That's about the size of the space measuring from my bottom knuckle (the one that connects my finger to my hand) to the second knuckle on my pointer finger -- yikes! Dr. A wasn't there to review these results with me (she had to run off to a delivery and then she also had a couple of surgeries scheduled), so I had to make an appointment to return on Thursday for some face-time with her.

I feel like it's okay to write about my stuff here because it effects my own fertility and should I ever decide to try-to-conceive instead of R, you'd be hearing about it. So...

In other news, R's test results (the extensive/obscure tests that we were not expecting the results to for several more weeks) came back today. R called me just before I left for my appointment to beg me to weasel the results out of Dr. A. And obviously, since Dr. A wasn't there, I couldn't talk to her about it. So, I think we'll be getting the results tomorrow, hopefully. Maybe we'll finally have some answers, or at least some piece of the puzzle to work from. R quoted the nurse as having said, "... Dr. A wants to go over the game plan...", so that makes us think there is something there, but then again, it might be nothing.

We got a copy of all the receipts for our medical care for the last year and I was surprised with how little we'd actually spent with the doctor's office. An amazing amount was covered by insurance and other enormous chunk was spent buying sperm. I knew that stuff was pricey, but it didn't hit me just how pricey it is until today. Sheesh!

AUTOIMMUNE ISSUES?

Somehow, in the process of updating our blog, I lost the list of links to other parenthood/trying-to-conceive blogs. I was able to recover only a handfull, so if you see that yours has gone missing from our list, that's why. If you're a reader of our blog, send us your url so I can update my list, please!

R and I realized over the weekend that our recurrent pregnancy losses might be due to some genetic autoimmune issues. You see, R's mom, who's been quite ill for years now, is the walking definition of an autoimmune disease. Not only that, it runs in R's family. To add to this, R's had both shingles and 5th disease in the last eight months - both of which are autoimmune issues. So, we decided to pursue some tests for R to help determine if this is an issue she has that is effecting her ability to carry a baby full-term.

We put in a call to Dr. A's office. As it turns out, the tests she ordered up for R last week include checking for genetic and autoimmune stuff. The tests she ran were so extensive, in fact, that the technician who drew R's blood had never heard of or seen these tests. I guess Dr. A was/is a step ahead of us.

We won't have those tests results back for several more weeks. G-d knows, I don't wish for R to have these problems, but at least we'd have some answers, if that's what it turns out to be. And with the help of an autoimmune specialist, R could be monitored and we just might be able to make it, should we decide to try again sometime. Of course, we're not ready to start back up right away, and maybe not at all. But at least we can ask questions and get some answers.

HELP!!!

This sucks so bad; I just can't tell you.

I read that the chances of having two miscarriages back to back was less than 4%. Wow, how did I get so fucking lucky? I actually suspect that I've miscarried the last three times that we tried, but only two I know for certain. If my instincts are right, then the chances of that happening are .16%... yet again, that is some amazing luck.

Short of one of my amazing doctors coming up with a plan that gives me a freaking chance, I am ready to move on to adoption. Frankly, I am not a huge fan of trying to waiting and hoping for a mother to pick us, relinquish her baby to us, and then risk her taking that baby back... so that pretty much kicks domestic adoption to the curb.

So, that leaves international adoption. I spent the day on the phone asking about the possibility of us getting a baby from somewhere far away, only to hear a plethora of news that makes a million rounds of IVF look like a lovefest.

If anyone has any ideas, agencies, experiences with this or anything that might help - please, please, please email me. (twogeorgiamommies@gmail.com or just leave a comment.) We are in hell and I really need to find a new way to find our child. I just can't give up.

BACK HOME

I'm back from Perry and just glad to be with my wife. We need each other so much right now.

R had to go in for some pretty extensive blood tests today. It might help the doctor determine what, if anything, is causing R to miscarry. We won't have any results back for another four weeks.

We've both spent the early part of this evening making all the telephone calls we needed to make to let the few folks who knew about our pregnancy know what's happened. Everyone's been really kind, but it's hard as hell to have to do this.

Thanks to everyone for your kind words. It's nice to know we have support out there.

IT SUCKS SOMETHING FIERCE

R telephoned me with an update. Dr. A read the results of the beta test and it wasn't good. I can't quote numbers; in fact, I don't think the doctor even gave R any numbers. All we needed to know was the facts, and the fact is that this is all over. I can't begin to express how upset we are.

We will be okay. We always are. But this hurts like hell and I dread the worse that will surely come before the better. I don't even know how to pick up these pieces. It just seems like too much.

The most painful part is that I'm stuck in Perry, Georgia for the next two days (today/tomorrow) and I can't be home with R. My mother-in-law is there with R, which makes me feel a bit better knowing R doesn't have to be alone. My meetings are going well, but I want to be home with my wife. We need each other right now.

Being here with my team members is hard. Only one co-worker/friend knows what's going on. Everyone else is clueless. I couldn't get out of coming here and now that I'm here, I'm expected to be really focused and cheery, etc. (Obviously, the focused part isn't working, as I'm sitting here, blogging.) It will be nice to have some time to wind down tonight, to call my wife and talk to her, and to just have some time alone.

THIS DAY SUCKS

I woke up at about 4:00am and was bleeding. I went to the doctor this morning. She couldn't find anything on the ultrasound. I took another beta test and I'm now waiting to see what it says. Dr. A told me that it may be okay, that she had seen stranger things happen, but things did not really look good.

She offered me progestrone supplements but said that it would just prolong a pregnancy that perhaps should not continue. She offered the example of a woman who took it, made it 36 weeks, and had to have her baby die because it had no kidneys. So, we opted for no progesterone.

I was really so excited about this baby and right now I just can't believe that this is happening. Ju HAD to go out of town on business this morning and was suuuuuuper upset about it. I took the day off work and am just trying to hold it together. Ju had my mom come up from Atlanta, which has been really hard on my mom, but it is really nice to have her here.

So, for now, I think mom and I are going to watch some movies and wait for the doctor to call.

STILL PREGNANT!!

It is really strange how all of this has happened. I'm still in shock!

We are thrilled about our pregnancy, but to be honest, I am having a hard time believing that it's not just one long mix-up at the lab. I haven't been as sick as I expected, which is worrying to me. I feel like maybe if I felt worse and was sick more often, it would all be more real/believable.

Mostly, I am just tired. My bed time has now become 8:30 and I wake up a thousand times a night. I hear every move the dogs make and feel that it is now necessary to take them out to pee at about 3:00am (how they ever made it before is beyond me).

Fortunately, I have support. The gal who teaches across the hall from me recently had twins, so I seek her out and bug her for information. She told me she didn't get sick until week eight and her little boys turned out to be just perfect! This is only week five, so perhaps it is reasonable to think that I would not be ragingly sick.

I am going on Monday to put our name on the very long daycare lists in town and hope to get a spot by the time we need it. I know it is early, but I am kind of compulsive about that kind of stuff. I'm a teacher, so I am a freak about education. G-d help the daycare worker who gets my poor child/children because I have very specific ideas about early learning and developmental appropriateness. It ain't gonna be pretty! I wish that one of us could stay home, but that doesn't seem to be a financial possiblity at this point.

Anyway, if anybody has any info to share about early pregnancy and how to survive the amazingly constant worry, please share! Gee, I thought that if we could get pregnant that I would feel really relieved, and I do, but I also worry because anything could happen. Sure, anything could always happen, but especially right now I am worried.

IT'S OFFICIAL!

Well, it's official -- we're definitely pregnant! R had a second beta test today to make sure everything was on schedule and the results were excellent. The doctor's office wants us to schedule our ultrasound asap. We couldn't be more excited!

Edit: Our ultrasound is scheduled for Wednesday, January 31st. Until then, please keep your fingers crossed and keep us in your thoughts. Things are going well, but we're so nervous -- we have a long way to go.

HEAR YE, HEAR YE...

R asked me to update our blog yesterday, but I just didn't know quite what to say. Our situation is delicate, but after giving it some thought today, I've decided that we can use all the support we can get! So, here goes:

WE'RE PREGNANT!!!

Honestly, we weren't expecting this at all. This last dual IUI was done and afterwards, we didn't really talk about it all. We even went ahead and scheduled a consult appointment with the IVF doctor. That's how convinced we were that it wouldn't work.

R took a pregnancy test Sunday morning, not expecting anything, and amazingly enough, the result was positive. We waited again and took a second test Sunday night. It, too, was positive. Monday morning (yesterday), R took a third test and got a third positive result. Since our IVF appointment was supposed to be yesterday (ironic, eh?), we called their office first thing to see if we could come in early for bloodwork. Our actual appointment was scheduled for late in the day and we knew if we waited, we wouldn't get any results back by closing time.

We spoke with the nurse first thing. The IVF doctor was nice about it, but said he wouldn't do a consult with a pregnant woman and wouldn't run bloodwork. He said we needed to see our regular doctor. At this point, we were in Atlanta (we'd spent the night with R's mom, who lives there), so we had to get back in the car and head back to Athens. We went straight to our doctor's office and everyone was buzzing around with excitement. Our tiny little Dr. A nearly knocked me down when she hugged me!

R had a beta/hcg test done and we got the results yesterday afternoon. Dr. A said it looked really good and that R was exactly on target for where she is in her cycle. We have to go back in for R to have another beta/hcg test done tomorrow morning, so the doctor can compare it and just double-check that things are progressing nicely. We feel good about everything, but we have to admit that we're pretty nervous, too. But, like I told R earlier on the phone today, there's not much we can do and unless we see blood, we can remain optimistic.

In the meantime, R has had quite a bit of morning sickness - mostly dry heaving, not actual vomiting. We've managed to keep it controlled with food - lots of small snacks like bananas and saltine crackers. R also had some headaches today, which worried her that something was wrong, but I simply reminded her that headaches were common from the surge of all those hormones. That seemed to calm her a bit, but then I was worried about her. I didn't think anything was really wrong; I just didn't want her to get sick or anything.

Anyway, we are very excited, as you might imagine, even though we don't feel like we're totally in the clear yet. I think we'll feel better tomorrow when we can see what's going on for sure. Dr. A said that we'll get to have our first ultrasound in two weeks, which will allow us to hear the heartbeat and determine how many embryos there are. How exciting is that?!?!