THE LONGEST WAIT

I know everyone complains about the wait to find out if you are pregnant. I, too, am not a huge fan of the two week wait either. However, I think the wait for the first ultrasound has been the most hellish thing we have been through.

We go on Tuesday and it just can't get here fast enough. My greatest fear is that the ultrasound will show that the baby is not okay or not alive. I really cannot think of anything that could be worse.

I have become a complete freak about the baby. I think the main reason is that we have been so conditioned to hear bad news, that it has become harder to hear good news. When we get good news we feel relieved for oh, 15 minutes and then the worry comes back.

I am jealous of the other pregnant women I know who seem just fine about the whole thing. A woman I work with declined her teaching contract for the following year as soon as she found out she was pregnant. I wanted to scream "Don't do that! You don't know what will happen!" I think my problem is that I know exactly what can and has happened.

The other piece of this is that my mother has a mitochondrial DNA defect, which means that I carry the same defect. This does not mean that I will get sick like my mom, but there is really no way to tell. It also means that my child will also carry the defect.

So far, most of the people in my family who have gotten sick have been adults (in their 50s) and their illnesses are frustrating and debilitating, not deadly. I don't think I will get sick b/c I lack any of the early symptoms/traits that indicate I would be likely to become ill.

That said, my health does not give any indication of what will happen to my child. The range of possible outcomes runs from the very minor to the very serious (ie, child dies a painful death within months of birth). For obvious reasons, we will have every possible medical test (fun summer for me!) and we might have to make some very serious/unpleasant choices, even if the pregnancy is viable.

My mom has been sick for a long time, but we have not known what was wrong with her until a few weeks ago. We found out right before the IUI and we had to make a choice about if we were going to move forward or put the breaks on. We decided that we should move forward based on the good health of most all of my maternal relatives, primarily the health of my younger relatives (ie, cousins and siblings).

Out of my huge family, only one person has been born with any birth defects. No one knew what was wrong and a botched procedure/treatment made things worse, as he suffered brain damage during surgery. It has made his life very difficult. Fortunately, we would know what was wrong and more than likely, he/she would have proper treatment and would have had a pretty normal life. We are pretty much just trying to get through this and just see what happens.