BABY'S FIRST PHOTOS

We managed to see our doctor a day early (concerned b/c of R's fall - see previous post) and had our ultrasound. The photos look like dots on a page, but we got to see and hear the heartbeat. It was amazing! Our doctor is so excited and everyone was making a big deal of everything and wanted to see our first photos. The nurse just kept looking at them, like she couldn't even believe we are finally here. Honestly, it seems a bit unreal to us, too.


The baby looks like a pea in a black hole -- attached to the left -- see it?


This is a 3-d view. Up in the v-shape part, there are two ball-shaped spots. The one toward the top that has sort of a left-facing L-shape is baby. The ball underneath is the yolk sac!

R's BAD FALL

We have an intake vent for the heating/air in our hallway floor. It's large -- easily big enough for me and R to fit in together with some room to spare. Today, as we were cleaning, R removed the cover so she could swap out the filters, only we didn't have any new ones and she needed to measure for size. She went to the laundry room to retrieve the tape measure and while she was in there, she grabbed the load of clean laundry from the dryer to carry it to the bedroom in the back of the house. As she was walking back down the hall without the tape measure, she'd forgotten about the floor, and fell in about four feet down. I was outside and didn't see it happen, but I heard her screaming for my help from inside. When I came in, she was trying to pull herself out, hanging down into this hole, and the very heavy vent cover had toppled over on top of her head. When I saw her, I was scared to death. We managed to get her out of there and I replaced the cover before I fell in, too (which is totally something I'd do, being the clumsy person I am). R went to rinse off in the shower, as her leg was all torn up and bleeding and sore. I put a call into the doctors because I was worried about the fall and wanted to know what, if anything, we should do and what we should look out for. Dr. L (the other doctor in the practice) called us back and assured me that R would most likely be okay. He said to give her ibuprofen, make sure she kept her leg propped up, and to put ice on it. And he said to look out for any vaginal bleeding, which (knock wood) R hasn't had. She's been taking it easy and she pretty messed up. Her upper leg looks like hamburger meat, her arm is banged up and bruised, and she's complaining of a sore and swollen ankle. We're both taking tomorrow off and we'll get her leg and ankle checked out. Hopefully, we can go ahead and have our ultrasound with Dr. A one day early. I've been joking with R all day, saying how she'd go to extremes to get out of doing housework -- haha! Seriously, though, the whole event was scary and I'm praying that this mishap doesn't cause any setback for us. Wish us luck.

THE LONGEST WAIT

I know everyone complains about the wait to find out if you are pregnant. I, too, am not a huge fan of the two week wait either. However, I think the wait for the first ultrasound has been the most hellish thing we have been through.

We go on Tuesday and it just can't get here fast enough. My greatest fear is that the ultrasound will show that the baby is not okay or not alive. I really cannot think of anything that could be worse.

I have become a complete freak about the baby. I think the main reason is that we have been so conditioned to hear bad news, that it has become harder to hear good news. When we get good news we feel relieved for oh, 15 minutes and then the worry comes back.

I am jealous of the other pregnant women I know who seem just fine about the whole thing. A woman I work with declined her teaching contract for the following year as soon as she found out she was pregnant. I wanted to scream "Don't do that! You don't know what will happen!" I think my problem is that I know exactly what can and has happened.

The other piece of this is that my mother has a mitochondrial DNA defect, which means that I carry the same defect. This does not mean that I will get sick like my mom, but there is really no way to tell. It also means that my child will also carry the defect.

So far, most of the people in my family who have gotten sick have been adults (in their 50s) and their illnesses are frustrating and debilitating, not deadly. I don't think I will get sick b/c I lack any of the early symptoms/traits that indicate I would be likely to become ill.

That said, my health does not give any indication of what will happen to my child. The range of possible outcomes runs from the very minor to the very serious (ie, child dies a painful death within months of birth). For obvious reasons, we will have every possible medical test (fun summer for me!) and we might have to make some very serious/unpleasant choices, even if the pregnancy is viable.

My mom has been sick for a long time, but we have not known what was wrong with her until a few weeks ago. We found out right before the IUI and we had to make a choice about if we were going to move forward or put the breaks on. We decided that we should move forward based on the good health of most all of my maternal relatives, primarily the health of my younger relatives (ie, cousins and siblings).

Out of my huge family, only one person has been born with any birth defects. No one knew what was wrong and a botched procedure/treatment made things worse, as he suffered brain damage during surgery. It has made his life very difficult. Fortunately, we would know what was wrong and more than likely, he/she would have proper treatment and would have had a pretty normal life. We are pretty much just trying to get through this and just see what happens.

3,158!

I'm sure R will have more to say later, so I'll leave you with this for now:

R's quant today came back at 3,158 (that's three-thousand-one-hundred-fifty-eight)!!! Thursday 04/19 was nearly 600 and just five days later, we're over 3,000. It's amazing! And totally thrilling. And a million other things. Needless to say, I am thrilled.

I was in the middle of teaching a class here in Tifton (out of town, again, dammit) when the good news came in -- I could hardly contain myself. I had this huge smile on my face and I could tell that people were wondering what was up. Teehee!

FREAKED OUT

Ju leaves for a work trip tomorrow (she won't be back until Wednesday!) and I am completely freaked out by this. Monday night about 4 AM will mark the exact same time in the last pregnancy that we miscarried and I am worried.

Am I sick enough? Is the baby okay or is the progestrone just keeping it in place until my doctor tells me to stop taking it? These are the questions I keep asking. I am just a mess and nothing really makes me feel better. I have become obsessed with taking pregnancy tests, just to make sure that it still is positive/as positive as it was a few days before.

We want this to work more than anything. We are just terrified that we will lose this baby, too. By my calculations, I have been pregnant five times in the last 13 months. I know that this makes no difference, but I can't help but feel like it is just our turn. We have been through the hell of all of this, and damn it, can't it just work out just this once???!!!

The thing that I try to remember is that we have no reason to believe that it is not working. Even if we tank tomorrow we have beaten the odds in so many ways. We have our sanity (mostly) intact and a relationship that is doing well under the most insane of circumstances.

LET'S HOPE SHE'S WRONG

Tonight, R and I ate dinner with some friends. One of these two friends claims to have some psychic powers. Who knows if it's true, but tonight she informed us of a few visions she'd had.

First, she said when she saw R early last week, that there were three colored swirls emitting from R's body. She says they were spirits and informed us that we'd be having triplets -- two girls, one boy. And she said the boy would be ill or have something wrong with him.

Err, thanks...?

THURSDAY'S QUANT

We got the results from quant #3 today. We're at nearly 600! So, that's up from 28 on Friday to 158 on Monday to nearly 600 on Thursday. We're feeling good, for now, and our doctor is very excited. Maybe we'll get some sleep tonight...

A TINY BIT RELIEVED... FOR NOW ANYWAYS

Neither of us could sleep very well last night for the reasons I cited in my last post. But then Rachel popped up out of bed to throw up! This is good, right? She seemed to have gone from "feeling nothing" to obviously feeling something. And while she was in the bathroom, she did another pregnancy test, which was ragingly positive. I know, it might seem silly that we'd do another test, but with the progesterone she takes, there's always that chance that the pregnancy has tanked and we don't know it. So, a test helped to give us some temporary relief. We're going to the doctor tomorrow for an extra quant test, which we requested. We're hoping the numbers look good so we can just relax for another week until the ultrasound. At least for now we feel a little better. It doesn't get much better than vomit! (who ever thought?)

ON PINS AND NEEDLES

R and I are both a mess, on pins and needles, and weary with anxiousness/nervousness. The thought of waiting two weeks for an ultrasound is too much to handle. Plus, R is on a progesterone supplement, so if things do go wrong, her body won't react naturally and expel what it needs to. (progesterone will prevent a period) So, we're freaking out, thinking something could go wrong (or has gone wrong) and that we wouldn't/don't know it because of the supplementation.

So, I put in a call to the doctor's office. I requested an additional quant test for R and scheduled it for Thursday morning. I'm personally worried that it's not early enough, as R was complaining this afternoon on the phone about "feeling funny" (in this case, 'funny' meaning that she doesn't feel like anything. To quote her, "I just feel like me with bigger boobs"). But, then again, if things do tank, there's nothing the doctor's office can do anyways. So, we wait.

The nurse said she was going to talk to the doctor, so I'm sure if it's anything to fret over, the doctor will have us come in right away. At any rate, I'm glad we'll be testing on Thursday, although I don't know if we can last even that long.

I've been so worried that I wake up during the night about every 30 minutes, maybe even more often than that. The last time R miscarried, it was in the middle of the night. She'd gotten up to pee and I heard a scream from the bathroom. It's like a broken record, playing over and over in my head. So, now I can't really sleep because I'm just listening (not purposely) for anything bad. Every time R gets up to pee, my stomach drops to the floor. It's awful.

I only wish we could skip ahead the next few weeks and be done with it. This is supposed to be an exciting time for us and it's not. It sucks.

WOO-HOO!

Great news -- we got the results of today's follow-up hCG test. R's levels have skyrocketed -- from 28 on Friday to 158 today! We are so relieved and excited! Dr. A wants to see us in two weeks, on May 1st, for an exam and ultrasound. For now, things look great. However, we know we have a ways to go before we're "in the clear". But, woo-hoo -- we're thrilled!

One more thing -- our calculated due date is December 25th, Christmas Day!

SEEING DOUBLE

I don't know if it's a sign or what, but...

Last night, R and I were eating at a restaurant outside on the deck. During the course of an hour, about five different families, all with twins, sat down to eat. They weren't together, either; it was just random. Then, just before we were leaving, a family with identical triplets showed up. I swear, neither of us had ever seen that many multiples, ever. After dinner, we headed back to our side of town to stroll the bookstore together. As we walked up the sidewalk to go into the store, we saw more twins! It was just comical. Then, this morning, R was making breakfast. She cracked open several eggs and each egg had a double-yolk (twins!).

What should we make of that?!

THE CRAZIEST THING

The craziest thing has happened. Read on.

I've been out of town for three days on business (finally got home today). Last night, after talking to R on the phone for a while, my cell phone battery started beeping to let me know it was nearly out of power. I didn't have my charger so I turned my phone off.

Well, this morning, I was sitting at breakfast with my co-workers and someone from the camp (we were staying at a 4-H camp in the middle of nowhere) came up and said I had a phone call. I didn't know what to expect. As it turns out, it was R calling to give me some interesting news and to freak out a little. She'd been trying to reach me on my cell all morning, but couldn't reach me.

The news? R decided when she woke this morning to do a pregnancy test, 4 days early. As soon as the test absorbed her urine, it turned unmistakably *positive*! She called the doctor's office and made an appointment to have bloodwork done right away.

Anyway, she went to the doctor this morning and everyone was so excited. I got home late this afternoon and we got a call with results from the quant test. R was at a level of 28, which the nurse was disappointed about, but it's the best results we've ever had and it's four days early. So, I'm thinking that's not so bad. Plus, the fact that her pregnancy test turned positive immediately says something to me. Whenever we've had a positive before, we've had to wait several minutes to get it and we've never gotten early results before.

R has to go back in for another quant test on Monday morning and we're hoping the results are what we need to see. All this waiting constantly is just driving us insane. If it's bad and won't work out, we want to know so we can deal with it. We've had some bad experiences and the truth is that even if we get the results we need, we still have weeks and weeks ahead before we'll be considered in-the-clear. But, as R says, this is the step we have to take to get there, so we'll just be happy for now with the results we have.

Please keep us in your thoughts/prayers/wishes, etc...

ALMOST DONE

I have four more days to wait. I usually have some clue about what the answer is by now, but this round is a complete mystery to me. I will just be happy to have and answer (we'll know on Tuesday). I feel both a little pregnant and a little pms-y. It is any one's guess! My day 21 progesterone was only a 11.4 and both my doctors decided not to supplement. Humm well see...
I am still a little hopeful.

WAITING

So, we did the dual insem on Monday and Tuesday. It was very uneventful. We used predictor kits this time, and my body surged before the scheduled HCG injection, so I didn't have to have even one little shot!!! The injection is hanging out in our fridge.

My doctor told me on Tuesday that she had been up since 2:30 in the morning thinking about our case. I asked her if she came to any conclusions. She told me that she hadn't, but that she had been reviewing every detail of our history, thinking about what, if anything, could be different. It makes me feel so much better to know that she really cares about us and what happens to us. The compassion that the doctor and her staff have shown us has been incredible...even when I am a very difficult patient.