YUCK!!!

Aaargh! We did not get into the IVF study -- the one that would have paid a large chunk of the genetic testing costs. All the slots got filled and we were the very first people they rejected -- just our luck these days. The nurse said if we'd gotten our names submitted even eight hours earlier, we would have gotten in. Why'd she have to tell us that?! I cried, a lot... I mean, A LOT. It has been very distressing, and there is a very big part of me that just wonders if we are not meant to ever have this happen for us. Additionally, I am MAD. We have worked so hard and for so long and have never caught much of anything even resembling a break.

I know I am whining, but seeing as I just do not have the cash to make this happen, I am left with very few options and whining looks pretty good all-in-all. The other half of this is that while in the grand scheme of things I realize that 20,000-25,000 bucks is not that much really... it could buy you a new Honda?... but the idea of spending what to us is a very large chunk of change is scary, particularly when we may have to finance a good deal of it (did I mention that I teach public school for a living? and Ju works for the university, which is notorious for their low-paying salaries).

While we may be able to beg, borrow, and steal the cash, we are then faced with the super-scary prospect of putting our lives back together if this does not happen for us. I have no idea what the right thing to do is. IVF seemed much less scary at a significantly reduced price tag. I am overwhelmed by all of the possible scenarios and additional awful things that could happen to us.

Both of our doctors have recommended that we go on and do a couple more rounds of dual-IUI with the hefty 150 milligrams of Clomid, additional estrogen support, the anti-neural tube defect drugs, progesterone support, 1500 milligrams of metformin and dexamethazone (steroid). The hope is that we will win the chromosomal lottery and produce an egg or two that are healthy and capable of survival, that this egg gets fertilized, and all the stuff that is supposed to happen happens. This is significantly less costly than IVF, but runs a pretty high risk of additional miscarriage.

We have been having some very frank discussions about what we think the state of my metal health would be if we lost another two or three pregnancies. This is a question that I don't know the answer to. I know that I am likely to get pregnant with this grouping of drugs and a dual-IUI (as I have gotten two times that can be documented out of the last three tries, but I suspect it actually happened all three times). The question, as always, is: can we hold on to the pregnancy? I used to worry so much about getting pregnant; now I pretty much expect to get pregnant, just worry about staying pregnant.