Thursday, February 02, 2006

BREAKING THE NEWS

R's Mom is thrilled about the prospect of us having a baby together. She's been very encouraging and is very excited at the prospect of having a grandchild. Keeping Ma Becky (that's what I call R's Mom) informed as we progress is a joy because she is so supportive and happy for us, just as she has always been.

My Mom, on the other hand, hasn't always been so supportive. Just before she was to meet R for the first time, way back when, she informed me that my "girlfriends" weren't welcome in her home. She finally gave in and when she met R, she really began to have a change of heart. Now, she adores R and has us to visit frequently. While I'm certain she still has her own issues with my lesbianism, she's come a long, long way.

Because my Mom has done so well, I'm afraid to risk upsetting her by telling her we plan to have a baby. I've dropped hints here and there and R has made a remark or two (or three or four... ha) about having a family. But, I've never come right out and said it. And honestly, I don't know when/where/how to do it. I'm so scared she'll have a poor reaction. She's indicated in previous conversations concerning other gay parents that she doesn't approve. You know, that whole "a child needs/deserves a mother and a father."

So, my friends, what do you think? How did you tell your parents/families? How did they react? What advice can you give? So many questions... I need answers!

10 comments:

Jennifer said...

We didn't tell my parents until I was 10 weeks pregnant with Lauren (12 weeks with Alexander). We had mentioned that we planned on having children *one day* but never told them when we started the process. By that point the baby was already on the way and they were thrilled.

We had a harder time with Susan's family. We didn't tell them until about 24 weeks. Because I was carrying the baby we knew that her family would not see the child as being related to them. Once the baby was here they eventually came around but it was a really big non-topic during the last half of my pregnancy.

If you don't think your mother will be supportive, I say don't tell her. This journey is so difficult that you want to have positive people on it with you.

eryn said...

We've been lucky to have supportive parents. They know about our plans and we eve used their house since our KD lives the town over from them (three hours from our home).

That said, I agree with Jennifer that it's better to wait if you think it will create problems.

I am truly sorry you have to think about this!

Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

In the early days of my relationship with Laura, my mother made a comment about gay and lesbian people and how they shouldn't have children. I let her have it. I asked if she thought somehow my being with Laura made me somehow lesser of a mother than I would be with a man? And anyway, with the crazy hets that managed to have children, she really thought that two smart, loving women shouldn't? Arg. I shouldn't get started on this. And I reminded her that she herself was raised by ONE woman only for the majority of her life, and I'd say she turned out pretty damn good.

I don't know though-- I'm probably not a good person to answer this question, because I am so open with just about everything. I don't keep many secrets... I'd might talk to her since I'd want her to have time to get used to it, and give her fair warning.

VioletEmily said...

I have no advice for you, but I'm reading attentively because I have a feeling that I will have a similar problem with my own mother someday. I hope it goes well.

Julie Oakley said...

That's a really tough one, because your mother brought you up the way that she was absolutely convinced was the best way - with a mother and a father. And I can assure you that most of us mothers (once we've had them) can become very bloody minded about how children should be raised (don't get me started on the number of western women who mysteriously have some physical reason as to why their breasts can't produce milk - I bet their breasts would work if there was no alternative!) Anyway, I digress. Your Mother loves you and she loves Rachel. You'll just have to go through a teething period where she's uncomfortable/disapproving but as soon as she can get her arms round a grandchild and she sees you doing a great job (and there'll be things you do where she'll be surprised at how much better you are than she was). Anyway don't burn any bridges while she's disapproving - because she will come round.

Kiles said...

My dad knows we are a couple, he wasnt too shocked when I came out to him. He was a little weird when I started dating.
He is good about it now, even though I know he is not completly approving.
My g/f told him we were planning on having a baby, he said "oh well whatever, it is your life". He thinks the sun shines out of my g/f's bum (hee hee), so he will love another grandchild, even if i didnt have it.

starevelina said...

`Wish I had advice, but I'm getting into the midst of the same predicament with my mother. I know she'll be excited once the baby is here, but I'm not looking forward to talking about it when we start ttc. And I would like her to know it when we do start. She made one remark when I first came out to her about not approving of same-sex couples parenting, but that was four years and leaps and bounds ago in terms of how much she's come around. Extra trouble comes in also because my parents are having difficulty with the idea of our wedding, though they are attending it, and we're planning on starting ttc the month after the wedding- I really don't want to kill them with the shock of it all. Funny how such traditional things can be so shocking to our parents. Good luck and do tell how it goes when you're able to steel the courage! -Kate-

Mo said...

Hi, this is my first time visiting your blog! I'm a lesbian mom of two, and we didn't tell our parents about ttc until I was 13 weeks pg with our first. I guess we were skeptical that it would work, and we didn't want to get into it with our families if it didn't work out anyway. Both moms were originally kind of shocked, and my mom was also kind of hurt that she was told so late, although she was still one of the earlier people to know. Both families were supportive before our son was born, and both families have been GREAT since then. I think it takes a lot of families some time to get used to, but most realize that our families are pretty normal once the baby has arrived. Good luck!

Mama2Arden (Dora) said...

My mom while very accepting of my orintation (okay after a year of arguing!) was against a child having two mommies...however, once I met my spouse and a number of years past....

She started asking WHEN we were going to have children...

So I don't know if that is helpful or not, but it seems like your mom might take time to come around but she is capable of it...

Estelle said...

I told my dad when she was about 10 weeks pregnant. I didn't know how he would take it, but he was fine. He wanted to know why it was her and not me, but that was just out of curiousity more than "I can't love it if it doesn't come from you" or anything like that. Actually he told me we could adopt a 17 year old hooker and he would be proud to be her grandfather.
These days... he loves Charlie more than is humanly possible. He LOVES that kid. Parents come around. Babies make them.