Now that my winter vacation from school has started I can finally write in our blog!
I got to go visit a friend’s new baby today and she was really beautiful. She was a little on the fussy side, but I think she was tired and hungry and I was nervous. I am sure that babies, not unlike wolves, can sense fear and will cry upon contact with the fearful individual, immediately identifying them as incompetent. I used to not be afraid of infants; it has only been since we decided to have one that this has become an issue for me.
I think that I’m mostly worried that I just can’t have one. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) and while lots of women with PCOS get pregnant everyday, I do not have the luxury of time -- meaning, I can have all the sex I possibly can, but the potential for accidental pregnancy will never be there. I can’t "try" conveniently, making it harder to know if I am fertile. All I know about how easy/hard it will be for me to get knocked up is that I have PCOS and that will make it harder to get pregnant and possibly harder to maintain the pregnancy. I have heard carrying reports on the latter issue and it’s scary!
Our medical plan as it stands is to start off pretty low tech/low cost. I will take a combo pack of Clomid and Metformin, which should increase our chances along with two inter-uterine inseminations with previously frozen sperm per cycle for three cycles. According to all of the research and physician advice we have garnered, if it hasn’t happened using those methods after three tries, it probably won’t take without some additional help.
To be honest, I am unsure how invasive I am willing for things to become or how much our budget can take. Right now, I just am really hoping that we won’t have to cross that bridge and we will magically become pregnant within the first three months. I am hopeful but not confident.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Monday, December 05, 2005
SCARED
As much as I want to have a baby, the thought is at times horrifying. Does anyone else feel the same way?
Things I worry about:
These are a few things that come to mind for now. Is this normal?
Things I worry about:
- not getting to spend enough quality time with R
- less freedom to do things on a whim
- financial responsibility
- possibly not liking being a mother
- not having the acceptance and support from family members
- people being cruel to us and/or our baby because we're a GLBT family
These are a few things that come to mind for now. Is this normal?
Friday, December 02, 2005
BASAL TEMPERATURE
I've been using a basal thermometer to take my temperature every morning -- except this past week, I stopped when I couldn't find my thermometer.
The question is -- can I start taking my temperature again now, or do I need to wait? All of this is confusing to me, so any advice would be great.
The question is -- can I start taking my temperature again now, or do I need to wait? All of this is confusing to me, so any advice would be great.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
WHAT'S IN A NAME?
Lately, baby names have been a regular topic around our household. There are many names I like and many names R likes, but not many for which we both agree.
Male names that I like: Joseph, Henry, David (family name), Samuel, Calvin (family name)
Female names that I like: Nora (family name), Mary, Paloma, Talullah (family name), Beatrice, Cobia (family name and also my middle name)
Names for a boy or girl that I like: Perry, Myers (family name), Korbett
Male names that R likes: Maxwell, Lee (family name)
Female names that R likes: Louisa, Talullah, Nora, Beatrice, Amelia, Francesca
Names for a boy or girl that R likes: Hollis, Merritt, and a few others I can't remember, but are similar
Possible future baby names we've discussed (first/middle): Maxwell Lee (male), Maxwell Myers (male), Henry Myers (male), Henry Lee (male), Lee Myers (male or female), Cobia Rebbekah (female), Sarah Cobia (female), Cobia Berry (female), Louisa Myers (female), Beatrice Myers (female)
I used to really like the name Maxwell, but I'm kind of over it. Maybe it's just because we've talked about the name so much. I'm not opposed, mind you, just kind of so-so on the name. I do love Cobia as a first name for a female, but R only likes it for a middle name. But it's my grandmother's maiden name and my middle name. And I've always loved it and over the years have been dying to use it as a first name.
What do y'all think? What names from the above do you like? We'd love to hear of any combinations you can think of that we haven't.
Male names that I like: Joseph, Henry, David (family name), Samuel, Calvin (family name)
Female names that I like: Nora (family name), Mary, Paloma, Talullah (family name), Beatrice, Cobia (family name and also my middle name)
Names for a boy or girl that I like: Perry, Myers (family name), Korbett
Male names that R likes: Maxwell, Lee (family name)
Female names that R likes: Louisa, Talullah, Nora, Beatrice, Amelia, Francesca
Names for a boy or girl that R likes: Hollis, Merritt, and a few others I can't remember, but are similar
Possible future baby names we've discussed (first/middle): Maxwell Lee (male), Maxwell Myers (male), Henry Myers (male), Henry Lee (male), Lee Myers (male or female), Cobia Rebbekah (female), Sarah Cobia (female), Cobia Berry (female), Louisa Myers (female), Beatrice Myers (female)
I used to really like the name Maxwell, but I'm kind of over it. Maybe it's just because we've talked about the name so much. I'm not opposed, mind you, just kind of so-so on the name. I do love Cobia as a first name for a female, but R only likes it for a middle name. But it's my grandmother's maiden name and my middle name. And I've always loved it and over the years have been dying to use it as a first name.
What do y'all think? What names from the above do you like? We'd love to hear of any combinations you can think of that we haven't.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
KNOWN DONORS VS. ANONYMOUS
Many folks have suggested we use a known donor. And we've had several offers from male friends. But it's tricky.
We love the idea of a known donor, to a certain degree. We like the idea of knowing what he'd look like, his history, his personality, etc. But we don't want anyone having access to our child. It's hard enough for us as two parents to make decisions without getting someone else involved. And, in the state of Georgia, anyone who has any blood link (ie, a sibling of the donor) to our child could take us to court and win custody, even though R will be the biological mother who gives birth. Even if that donor relinquishes parental rights.
But using an anonymous donor is tricky, too. We want to know more than what we read on a piece of paper. We worry that our child will be resentful to not have access to the identity information (until they're 18, that is). And then, of course, there's the whole issue of all of the half-siblings roaming about. Do we try to connect with them or not?
As far as having a strong male role model present, we're not worried about that. He/she will have two uncles that will be actively involved, as well as grandparents, and the many friends of ours who are male and just as excited about our baby as we are.
At any rate, I think we're planning to use an anonymous donor because we just can't risk losing our child to someone else. But we're weighing our options and will continue to do so.
We love the idea of a known donor, to a certain degree. We like the idea of knowing what he'd look like, his history, his personality, etc. But we don't want anyone having access to our child. It's hard enough for us as two parents to make decisions without getting someone else involved. And, in the state of Georgia, anyone who has any blood link (ie, a sibling of the donor) to our child could take us to court and win custody, even though R will be the biological mother who gives birth. Even if that donor relinquishes parental rights.
But using an anonymous donor is tricky, too. We want to know more than what we read on a piece of paper. We worry that our child will be resentful to not have access to the identity information (until they're 18, that is). And then, of course, there's the whole issue of all of the half-siblings roaming about. Do we try to connect with them or not?
As far as having a strong male role model present, we're not worried about that. He/she will have two uncles that will be actively involved, as well as grandparents, and the many friends of ours who are male and just as excited about our baby as we are.
At any rate, I think we're planning to use an anonymous donor because we just can't risk losing our child to someone else. But we're weighing our options and will continue to do so.
Friday, November 18, 2005
WHO CARES ABOUT SPERM?
We do, that's who!
Yesterday, for the first time in almost a year, R decided to browse profiles of sperm donors listed with the bank we plan to use (not definite, but nearly) while I sat at the other desk and worked. She'd break every couple of minutes to read a snippet from someone's profile or to ask if I preferred red hair over blue eyes because she couldn't find a donor that had both.
But really, does it matter? Does it matter if the donor has red hair or black hair or blue eyes or brown eyes? Because our baby, no matter what, won't have my blood and won't look like me. Hell, the baby might not even look like Rachel. So, why do I care? Are physical attributes that important?
Once upon a time I didn't think they were. We'd selected a few browser profiles we liked based on family histories (but then how accurate are they?), IQ facts (anyone could lie), etc. But once we viewed photos, it was all over, because photos don't lie. That may sound shallow, but I'd like for my baby to not be crossed eyed with a hairlip. And if we have to pay big money for a donor, well then we might as well pick someone who is at least average-looking, right?
I used to care about the donor's listed occupation, IQ, biography, reasons for donating, etc. but I've come to the conclusion that most (not all) of these donors are full of sh-t. Most of them are young, as young as 18. And when an 18-yr-old writes about "donating to help families in need", I find myself thinking 'what crap. you are just immature, donating for beer money, and you don't understand the ramifications of what could happen when/if your baby shows up at your door 18 years down the road'. Additionally, is the sperm of a smart man who holds a highly respected, well paying job so much more desireable than a man of so-so intelligence who is employed as a janitor? Because when it all comes down to it, you never know what you're going to get and I think what really counts is the way we raise our child.
The truth is that no matter where our baby comes from, I will be happy, honestly. But in the meantime, it's hard to make these decisions.
Yesterday, for the first time in almost a year, R decided to browse profiles of sperm donors listed with the bank we plan to use (not definite, but nearly) while I sat at the other desk and worked. She'd break every couple of minutes to read a snippet from someone's profile or to ask if I preferred red hair over blue eyes because she couldn't find a donor that had both.
But really, does it matter? Does it matter if the donor has red hair or black hair or blue eyes or brown eyes? Because our baby, no matter what, won't have my blood and won't look like me. Hell, the baby might not even look like Rachel. So, why do I care? Are physical attributes that important?
Once upon a time I didn't think they were. We'd selected a few browser profiles we liked based on family histories (but then how accurate are they?), IQ facts (anyone could lie), etc. But once we viewed photos, it was all over, because photos don't lie. That may sound shallow, but I'd like for my baby to not be crossed eyed with a hairlip. And if we have to pay big money for a donor, well then we might as well pick someone who is at least average-looking, right?
I used to care about the donor's listed occupation, IQ, biography, reasons for donating, etc. but I've come to the conclusion that most (not all) of these donors are full of sh-t. Most of them are young, as young as 18. And when an 18-yr-old writes about "donating to help families in need", I find myself thinking 'what crap. you are just immature, donating for beer money, and you don't understand the ramifications of what could happen when/if your baby shows up at your door 18 years down the road'. Additionally, is the sperm of a smart man who holds a highly respected, well paying job so much more desireable than a man of so-so intelligence who is employed as a janitor? Because when it all comes down to it, you never know what you're going to get and I think what really counts is the way we raise our child.
The truth is that no matter where our baby comes from, I will be happy, honestly. But in the meantime, it's hard to make these decisions.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
FIRST ENTRY
Hi, I'm Ju. I'm a 29-year-old Graphic Designer living in Georgia. I share a lovely home with my wife, R, and our four "kids" -- two cats, Wagamama and Josephine, and two dogs, Lilly and Moby. And the only thing that could make my happy life better would be to have children and raise a family with R.
There are a lot of decisions left to make, but we are almost certain we want to use an anonymous sperm donor through a bank and that R will carry the first baby. If and when we decide to have a second, that's when I'll carry.
We'd like to start "trying" in the Spring and have begun with the preparations. R put $3000 into flex-spending to help with insemination costs by using pre-tax dollars, thus allowing us to save a ton. We've been using a basal thermometer to chart her temperature daily. And G-d knows, we've been reading all of the literature we can. We have contact with a lawyer who specializes in GLBT second-parent adoption, which we will persue once we're further along.
Of course, there are many legal obstacles we face, which affect the decisions we make. And I have my own issues about becoming a second-parent adoptive Mom. (ie, Will my family accept the baby as mine?) I'll be writing more about that as time goes on, so be sure to check back often.
There are a lot of decisions left to make, but we are almost certain we want to use an anonymous sperm donor through a bank and that R will carry the first baby. If and when we decide to have a second, that's when I'll carry.
We'd like to start "trying" in the Spring and have begun with the preparations. R put $3000 into flex-spending to help with insemination costs by using pre-tax dollars, thus allowing us to save a ton. We've been using a basal thermometer to chart her temperature daily. And G-d knows, we've been reading all of the literature we can. We have contact with a lawyer who specializes in GLBT second-parent adoption, which we will persue once we're further along.
Of course, there are many legal obstacles we face, which affect the decisions we make. And I have my own issues about becoming a second-parent adoptive Mom. (ie, Will my family accept the baby as mine?) I'll be writing more about that as time goes on, so be sure to check back often.
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