Saturday, November 26, 2005

KNOWN DONORS VS. ANONYMOUS

Many folks have suggested we use a known donor. And we've had several offers from male friends. But it's tricky.

We love the idea of a known donor, to a certain degree. We like the idea of knowing what he'd look like, his history, his personality, etc. But we don't want anyone having access to our child. It's hard enough for us as two parents to make decisions without getting someone else involved. And, in the state of Georgia, anyone who has any blood link (ie, a sibling of the donor) to our child could take us to court and win custody, even though R will be the biological mother who gives birth. Even if that donor relinquishes parental rights.

But using an anonymous donor is tricky, too. We want to know more than what we read on a piece of paper. We worry that our child will be resentful to not have access to the identity information (until they're 18, that is). And then, of course, there's the whole issue of all of the half-siblings roaming about. Do we try to connect with them or not?

As far as having a strong male role model present, we're not worried about that. He/she will have two uncles that will be actively involved, as well as grandparents, and the many friends of ours who are male and just as excited about our baby as we are.

At any rate, I think we're planning to use an anonymous donor because we just can't risk losing our child to someone else. But we're weighing our options and will continue to do so.

6 comments:

Katie (WannaBeMom) said...

You know, we had a known donor for awhile, and as good as that seemed, many of the reasons you have cited here are reasons why we ended up going for the anon sperm. Others too, and I fully trust our previous known donor and his partner, I just kinda felt with the political situation in this country they way it is, it was too scary to be in a position where someone could come and claim the baby merely based on a slim biological relation. I'm totally comfortable with the anon choice, but it's just such a question when one first begins to ponder!

eryn said...

We too were going the know donor route until about one month before the first insem was to happen. We decided it was not the right choice for us or him at that time. Since we gave up the idea of KD (and we were psyched about the benefits) we are relieved to being using annon. It is so much easier both leagally and logisically (our KD lives three hours away).

It is a hard choice to make. And picking the annon D is even more interesting!

Good luck what ever you do!

Liza said...

I was always too nervous to seriously consider a KD.

It wasn't so much that I worried about "him" -- whoever we might choose -- as what if he gets hit by a bus and his parents turn out to be fundies who try to get custody of our baby? Or what if he gets brain damaged in the bus accident and becomes a fundie himself?

At the end of the day, we went with the totally anon donor, not even a chance of future identification. Lil Smudge may resent that choice at some time when he's older, but hopefully he'll forgive us and understand how important his being solidly and securely in our family was to his moms.

J said...

And there is the expense of ID release anon sperm. How do you explain to your kid that you purchased the anon donor sperm because it was 200 less a vial than the ID release, and you thought you might be trying for a long time? I dont' want my kid thinking we were cheap, and now they can't know their bio-dad, but it's REALLY expensive to go that route. Any suggestions?

Estelle said...

we used a KD years ago and well, it was fine. Then he died, so we couldn't use him anymore.
We conceived charlie via an anon donor. I am glad we did. I do not want to use a KD again, for many reasons.
Also... 'him' not being in the picture... makes charlie feel more like mine. Make sense? There was no one else involved, just the two of us and a little plastic vial. There was no person, no face, no name. So, if it makes any sense at all... it just makes it seem like there really was no donor.
And I know nothing about my birth mother. Nada. She died when I was an infant. Sometimes i wish I knew more, especially since my family COULD tell me if they wanted to, but it's just my reality, no mom. Most of the time I don't care. My family chooses not to discuss it, and it's too painful for them for me to push.

Amanda said...

That is most definitely one of the hardest decisions to make when you're getting started.
We've waivered back and forth between the low cost of KD sperm and the autonomy of AD sperm. i think the most important thing is that your child has people in their life that love and care for them. So many people out there do not know one or both of their biological parents, and while it may cause questions and potentially some frustrations down the road, there will always be a support system no matter what.
Do what you feel is best in your heart. You'll know it when you find it. :)