SORRY ABOUT MY LACK OF BLOGGING....

So, I haven't really been blogging much, in case you haven't noticed. The only reason we still have a blog is because Ju manages to actually post entries, unlike me!

I've had a hard time talking about the baby because it is hard for me to feel like this is all okay and I don't want to feel stupid later when something happens to the baby. I am getting over this because I am starting to see that we really are having a baby and not a medical disaster, which is exciting!

I became a very good fertility patient. I read everything, worked hard to understand what was going on, and talked with doctors endlessly. However, in the process I become very comfortable with the idea that I was unlikely to ever get/stay pregnant. Then, it happened...poof...no more infertility patient! I became a regular OB patient and while I get some special treatment, like a monthly ultrasound (and a doctor who discusses her sex toy purchases), it has been a hard transition to make.

I envy people for whom there is no difficulty getting pregnant because I suspect that they worry less, they know less, and enjoy things a little more. My worry is not helped by the fact that I have a strangely (but not dangerously) placed placenta, thus have been informed that I will not have much feeling/sensation until reatively late in the game (ie, when the kiddo is so big that strangers on the street notice movement).

At any rate, I am begining to relax a little and trying to see things as okay. I am really thrilled about the baby, and as we reach the half way mark things do look more and more ok.

WAITING...

We went to the doctor today, thinking we were having an ultrasound, and excited about the prospect of finding out the gender of our Button. We were disappointed to learn that we were not having a full ultrasound, but rather just a test to hear the heartbeat. R got to hear it, but it was uneventful for me, as I established in an earlier post that I do not hear well. I missed it entirely. Needless to say, I was especially disappointed.

We did have a good time chatting it up with our doctor about... sex toys. It was so random and funny. She was telling us about all the ones she'd seen on the internet as she was shopping for her own collection. It was a pretty damn interesting conversation! She is a riot.

Our next appointment -- the detailed ultrasound -- is in three weeks from now. At least then we'll actually get to learn the gender for sure and see everything well. We're both dying to know and R's mom is especially eager, as she's wanting to go shopping.

I don't much care one way or another if it's a boy or a girl. I'm just happy to have Button and hopefully s/he will be healthy. However, if it is a girl, I will be excited because there's a certain dress I've had my eye on! Ha.

JU'S GOOD NEWS

Okay, this isn't exactly "baby news" -- but after you read it, you'll see why I'm choosing to comment here. On Monday, I had to go to the ear/nose/throat doctor because I have an ear infection in my "deaf ear". While I was there, I discussed my hearing difficulties with the doctor and he ordered up some tests, which they did right then. I failed miserably, as I've never been able to hear anything in my right ear. But then the doctor attached this one object behind my ear, placed the headphones on, and tried a couple of the tests again. For the first time ever, I heard sounds in my ear!!! I got the words in the speaking test all wrong, mistaking "felt" for "silk" and "street" for "meat", etc, but the point is that I could hear! The end result is this: according to the doctor, I'm a great candidate for a hearing aid. This is totally thrilling to me, especially now that hearing aids are so discreet, sitting right down inside the ear canal. I called my mom to share the joy and she told me to get the best one and she'd pay, which is unheard of. Anyway, this is a relief in so many ways because I've been worried about my ability to hear the baby crying and such once s/he comes along. R and I have been around babies that were crying from another room and while everyone could hear it, I could not. It's terribly frustrating and worrisome, but maybe now I won't have to worry so much!

MORE!

Today was our 13-week exam with the sonographer at our OBGYN's office. She did some initial testing for Down's Syndrome, which looked completely normal, thank heavens. R also had to have some bloodwork done, which will further test for DS, as well as some chromosomal disorders.

Button's heartbeat sounded really strong at 155 beats and s/he waved at us through the monitor. We inquired about finding out the sex of the baby. Linda, the sonographer, said it was rare to see anything at 13 weeks and even if she did, she wouldn't call it because she wouldn't want to risk being wrong. For now, I'll go on record to say that I think Button is a girl.

This first image is a profile (3/4 view) of Button. I've labeled it, so hopefully it's clear about what's what.

NEW PHOTOS!

As promised, these are our latest ultrasound photos. They’re not as good as the others we’ve had, but this round was done more as a favor to us and wasn’t a scheduled ultrasound. We’ll be having another much better set done when we go next week, on the 19th. At any rate, enjoy!

OUR LATEST

We're out of town, in SC (for more about that, check my blog at Ju. 2007) so we haven't had much of a chance to update the blog.

We went to the doctor on Friday for the 12-week exam -- weigh-in, urine sample, etc. The doctor did an external ultrasound and we got to see the baby moving all around. It was amazing! S/he was practically doing flips and we saw fingers. With all of the stress I've been under, seeing this pushed me over the edge and I bawled my eyes out. Anyway, we got some new ultrasound photos, which I will scan and share when we return home.

WHAT'S UP?

What's up with the lack of comments these days??? Show us some love! We miss ya.

A to Z and other news

Today R and I got this A-to-Z alphabet bedding. It is too cute. Each block is done with such detail and the back and binding are done in green gingham, which is just adorable. I especially like the "Q (is for) Quilt", "X (is for) X-ray", and "V (is for) Violin" blocks. I had originally hoped to do a music room and while it's now out of the question, would it be silly to play the "V is for Violin" card? I think it might be a good way to combine the A-to-Z stuff with music, especially since we own a small child's violin. (R gave it to me for Christmas, in anticipation of one day teaching our baby to play.)

More photos:




The last photo shows the child's violin that R gave to me compared to my size-7 sandal. It's so tiny, but plays well. It's hard to imagine the tiny little hands that will one day hold it.

In other news, R is now 1/4 of the way through her pregnancy!

JUST A QUICKIE

Never fear -- we haven't abandoned the blog. My mom has been in the hospital and has not been doing so well, so I've been tending to her. Needless to say, I am worn slap out. I guess all of the attention I've been focusing on her is good practice for when Button arrives. Just trying to look at the bright side, as with mom there hasn't really been a bright side.

R just finished up the school year. Her last day with kids was this past Thursday and she's had teacher in-service days ever since. Her official last day was yesterday. She's so excited.

On the Button front, things are moving right along. R hasn't had as much true morning sickness, but complains of being consistently nauseous. She seems to manage it well by eating small meals often. R hasn't gained any weight yet, but she is definitely showing, even this early. I think it's mostly because her boobs have gotten bigger/heavier and her posture has changed. Therefore, that belly juts right out. It's really cute, actually and I think she looks wonderful.

2nd ULTRASOUND

Today we had a second ultrasound, two weeks after the last one. The difference is astounding and we were totally amazed. Button now has little arms and legs and his/her heartbeat was really strong. Totally thrilling!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

What great taste Button has! S/he got both of us Mother's Day presents that we love!

For Ju: a delicate silver and pearl “pea in a pod” pendant on a delicate silver chain. Ju loves it!

For R: a beautiful blue topaz pendant and necklace. This is special because Button’s birthstone is blue topaz!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all of you out there!!! We're all mothers in some way or another, whether we have children or not. Time to celebrate it!

I BROKE THE NEWS

I've been out of town on business, again. In fact, I'm still here, but will be returning home later this afternoon. I can't wait to see my wife!

We've been staying at Henderson Village in Perry, GA (http://www.hendersonvillage.com). The last time I was here, R had miscarried two hours before I had to leave and there was no way to get out of going. It was horrible. So, of course, the whole time I was miserable, worried, sad, nervous, etc. And I couldn't really talk to anyone because my Fundamentalist boss and her sidekick didn't even know I was gay, married, or working on starting a family. It was a very uncomfortable situation and not something I wanted to revisit.

But, here I am, again. And they put me in the same damn room (Tenant Cottage #10), so I've been thinking a lot about the last time I was here. It's been sad.

Being here hasn't been all bad, though. I talked to my Fundamentalist-Southern-Georgia boss to tell her about our baby. It wasn't bad at all. In fact, she was really happy and seemed excited and had a lot of nice things to say. She also was more than happy to agree to let me take a week off for vacation in June, since we won't have any opportunities to do so for a very long time. (my July is already spoken for b/c of work obligations and R starts back to school in August, so June it is!)

MEAN GIRL

It is unfortunate, but being pregnant makes me very, very mean. I really hate this about me, but it is just true. I don't know if it is being pregnant that does it, or if it is just the constant worry that something is wrong with the baby. I am tired, grouchy and a bad, bad wife.

A STEAL

We hadn't planned on buying any baby furniture right now, as we are still early in the pregnancy. However, we found a deal today too good to pass up on -- one of those situations where we knew if we didn't take advantage, we'd be kicking ourselves later on.

R's parents live in a neighborhood that hosts a neighborhood-wide yard sale once or twice a year. We, along with R's parents, rode around and went house to house to check out all of the good deals. We got a new chandelier (sp?), a coffe table, an end table... but best of all, a crib! And it's not just any crib -- it's a $1600 'Million Dollar Baby' baby crib. But we didn't pay anything close to that. We got it for, get this, $100 and it is in *perfect* condition. What a steal!

1st TOY

In celebration of our ultrasound on Monday, I bought this lovely teddy bear for Button (our in-utero nickname). It's so sweet and is made of all natural materials and dyes. I can't wait to see it put to use one day!

BABY'S FIRST PHOTOS

We managed to see our doctor a day early (concerned b/c of R's fall - see previous post) and had our ultrasound. The photos look like dots on a page, but we got to see and hear the heartbeat. It was amazing! Our doctor is so excited and everyone was making a big deal of everything and wanted to see our first photos. The nurse just kept looking at them, like she couldn't even believe we are finally here. Honestly, it seems a bit unreal to us, too.


The baby looks like a pea in a black hole -- attached to the left -- see it?


This is a 3-d view. Up in the v-shape part, there are two ball-shaped spots. The one toward the top that has sort of a left-facing L-shape is baby. The ball underneath is the yolk sac!

R's BAD FALL

We have an intake vent for the heating/air in our hallway floor. It's large -- easily big enough for me and R to fit in together with some room to spare. Today, as we were cleaning, R removed the cover so she could swap out the filters, only we didn't have any new ones and she needed to measure for size. She went to the laundry room to retrieve the tape measure and while she was in there, she grabbed the load of clean laundry from the dryer to carry it to the bedroom in the back of the house. As she was walking back down the hall without the tape measure, she'd forgotten about the floor, and fell in about four feet down. I was outside and didn't see it happen, but I heard her screaming for my help from inside. When I came in, she was trying to pull herself out, hanging down into this hole, and the very heavy vent cover had toppled over on top of her head. When I saw her, I was scared to death. We managed to get her out of there and I replaced the cover before I fell in, too (which is totally something I'd do, being the clumsy person I am). R went to rinse off in the shower, as her leg was all torn up and bleeding and sore. I put a call into the doctors because I was worried about the fall and wanted to know what, if anything, we should do and what we should look out for. Dr. L (the other doctor in the practice) called us back and assured me that R would most likely be okay. He said to give her ibuprofen, make sure she kept her leg propped up, and to put ice on it. And he said to look out for any vaginal bleeding, which (knock wood) R hasn't had. She's been taking it easy and she pretty messed up. Her upper leg looks like hamburger meat, her arm is banged up and bruised, and she's complaining of a sore and swollen ankle. We're both taking tomorrow off and we'll get her leg and ankle checked out. Hopefully, we can go ahead and have our ultrasound with Dr. A one day early. I've been joking with R all day, saying how she'd go to extremes to get out of doing housework -- haha! Seriously, though, the whole event was scary and I'm praying that this mishap doesn't cause any setback for us. Wish us luck.

THE LONGEST WAIT

I know everyone complains about the wait to find out if you are pregnant. I, too, am not a huge fan of the two week wait either. However, I think the wait for the first ultrasound has been the most hellish thing we have been through.

We go on Tuesday and it just can't get here fast enough. My greatest fear is that the ultrasound will show that the baby is not okay or not alive. I really cannot think of anything that could be worse.

I have become a complete freak about the baby. I think the main reason is that we have been so conditioned to hear bad news, that it has become harder to hear good news. When we get good news we feel relieved for oh, 15 minutes and then the worry comes back.

I am jealous of the other pregnant women I know who seem just fine about the whole thing. A woman I work with declined her teaching contract for the following year as soon as she found out she was pregnant. I wanted to scream "Don't do that! You don't know what will happen!" I think my problem is that I know exactly what can and has happened.

The other piece of this is that my mother has a mitochondrial DNA defect, which means that I carry the same defect. This does not mean that I will get sick like my mom, but there is really no way to tell. It also means that my child will also carry the defect.

So far, most of the people in my family who have gotten sick have been adults (in their 50s) and their illnesses are frustrating and debilitating, not deadly. I don't think I will get sick b/c I lack any of the early symptoms/traits that indicate I would be likely to become ill.

That said, my health does not give any indication of what will happen to my child. The range of possible outcomes runs from the very minor to the very serious (ie, child dies a painful death within months of birth). For obvious reasons, we will have every possible medical test (fun summer for me!) and we might have to make some very serious/unpleasant choices, even if the pregnancy is viable.

My mom has been sick for a long time, but we have not known what was wrong with her until a few weeks ago. We found out right before the IUI and we had to make a choice about if we were going to move forward or put the breaks on. We decided that we should move forward based on the good health of most all of my maternal relatives, primarily the health of my younger relatives (ie, cousins and siblings).

Out of my huge family, only one person has been born with any birth defects. No one knew what was wrong and a botched procedure/treatment made things worse, as he suffered brain damage during surgery. It has made his life very difficult. Fortunately, we would know what was wrong and more than likely, he/she would have proper treatment and would have had a pretty normal life. We are pretty much just trying to get through this and just see what happens.

3,158!

I'm sure R will have more to say later, so I'll leave you with this for now:

R's quant today came back at 3,158 (that's three-thousand-one-hundred-fifty-eight)!!! Thursday 04/19 was nearly 600 and just five days later, we're over 3,000. It's amazing! And totally thrilling. And a million other things. Needless to say, I am thrilled.

I was in the middle of teaching a class here in Tifton (out of town, again, dammit) when the good news came in -- I could hardly contain myself. I had this huge smile on my face and I could tell that people were wondering what was up. Teehee!

FREAKED OUT

Ju leaves for a work trip tomorrow (she won't be back until Wednesday!) and I am completely freaked out by this. Monday night about 4 AM will mark the exact same time in the last pregnancy that we miscarried and I am worried.

Am I sick enough? Is the baby okay or is the progestrone just keeping it in place until my doctor tells me to stop taking it? These are the questions I keep asking. I am just a mess and nothing really makes me feel better. I have become obsessed with taking pregnancy tests, just to make sure that it still is positive/as positive as it was a few days before.

We want this to work more than anything. We are just terrified that we will lose this baby, too. By my calculations, I have been pregnant five times in the last 13 months. I know that this makes no difference, but I can't help but feel like it is just our turn. We have been through the hell of all of this, and damn it, can't it just work out just this once???!!!

The thing that I try to remember is that we have no reason to believe that it is not working. Even if we tank tomorrow we have beaten the odds in so many ways. We have our sanity (mostly) intact and a relationship that is doing well under the most insane of circumstances.