R's BAD FALL

We have an intake vent for the heating/air in our hallway floor. It's large -- easily big enough for me and R to fit in together with some room to spare. Today, as we were cleaning, R removed the cover so she could swap out the filters, only we didn't have any new ones and she needed to measure for size. She went to the laundry room to retrieve the tape measure and while she was in there, she grabbed the load of clean laundry from the dryer to carry it to the bedroom in the back of the house. As she was walking back down the hall without the tape measure, she'd forgotten about the floor, and fell in about four feet down. I was outside and didn't see it happen, but I heard her screaming for my help from inside. When I came in, she was trying to pull herself out, hanging down into this hole, and the very heavy vent cover had toppled over on top of her head. When I saw her, I was scared to death. We managed to get her out of there and I replaced the cover before I fell in, too (which is totally something I'd do, being the clumsy person I am). R went to rinse off in the shower, as her leg was all torn up and bleeding and sore. I put a call into the doctors because I was worried about the fall and wanted to know what, if anything, we should do and what we should look out for. Dr. L (the other doctor in the practice) called us back and assured me that R would most likely be okay. He said to give her ibuprofen, make sure she kept her leg propped up, and to put ice on it. And he said to look out for any vaginal bleeding, which (knock wood) R hasn't had. She's been taking it easy and she pretty messed up. Her upper leg looks like hamburger meat, her arm is banged up and bruised, and she's complaining of a sore and swollen ankle. We're both taking tomorrow off and we'll get her leg and ankle checked out. Hopefully, we can go ahead and have our ultrasound with Dr. A one day early. I've been joking with R all day, saying how she'd go to extremes to get out of doing housework -- haha! Seriously, though, the whole event was scary and I'm praying that this mishap doesn't cause any setback for us. Wish us luck.

THE LONGEST WAIT

I know everyone complains about the wait to find out if you are pregnant. I, too, am not a huge fan of the two week wait either. However, I think the wait for the first ultrasound has been the most hellish thing we have been through.

We go on Tuesday and it just can't get here fast enough. My greatest fear is that the ultrasound will show that the baby is not okay or not alive. I really cannot think of anything that could be worse.

I have become a complete freak about the baby. I think the main reason is that we have been so conditioned to hear bad news, that it has become harder to hear good news. When we get good news we feel relieved for oh, 15 minutes and then the worry comes back.

I am jealous of the other pregnant women I know who seem just fine about the whole thing. A woman I work with declined her teaching contract for the following year as soon as she found out she was pregnant. I wanted to scream "Don't do that! You don't know what will happen!" I think my problem is that I know exactly what can and has happened.

The other piece of this is that my mother has a mitochondrial DNA defect, which means that I carry the same defect. This does not mean that I will get sick like my mom, but there is really no way to tell. It also means that my child will also carry the defect.

So far, most of the people in my family who have gotten sick have been adults (in their 50s) and their illnesses are frustrating and debilitating, not deadly. I don't think I will get sick b/c I lack any of the early symptoms/traits that indicate I would be likely to become ill.

That said, my health does not give any indication of what will happen to my child. The range of possible outcomes runs from the very minor to the very serious (ie, child dies a painful death within months of birth). For obvious reasons, we will have every possible medical test (fun summer for me!) and we might have to make some very serious/unpleasant choices, even if the pregnancy is viable.

My mom has been sick for a long time, but we have not known what was wrong with her until a few weeks ago. We found out right before the IUI and we had to make a choice about if we were going to move forward or put the breaks on. We decided that we should move forward based on the good health of most all of my maternal relatives, primarily the health of my younger relatives (ie, cousins and siblings).

Out of my huge family, only one person has been born with any birth defects. No one knew what was wrong and a botched procedure/treatment made things worse, as he suffered brain damage during surgery. It has made his life very difficult. Fortunately, we would know what was wrong and more than likely, he/she would have proper treatment and would have had a pretty normal life. We are pretty much just trying to get through this and just see what happens.

3,158!

I'm sure R will have more to say later, so I'll leave you with this for now:

R's quant today came back at 3,158 (that's three-thousand-one-hundred-fifty-eight)!!! Thursday 04/19 was nearly 600 and just five days later, we're over 3,000. It's amazing! And totally thrilling. And a million other things. Needless to say, I am thrilled.

I was in the middle of teaching a class here in Tifton (out of town, again, dammit) when the good news came in -- I could hardly contain myself. I had this huge smile on my face and I could tell that people were wondering what was up. Teehee!

FREAKED OUT

Ju leaves for a work trip tomorrow (she won't be back until Wednesday!) and I am completely freaked out by this. Monday night about 4 AM will mark the exact same time in the last pregnancy that we miscarried and I am worried.

Am I sick enough? Is the baby okay or is the progestrone just keeping it in place until my doctor tells me to stop taking it? These are the questions I keep asking. I am just a mess and nothing really makes me feel better. I have become obsessed with taking pregnancy tests, just to make sure that it still is positive/as positive as it was a few days before.

We want this to work more than anything. We are just terrified that we will lose this baby, too. By my calculations, I have been pregnant five times in the last 13 months. I know that this makes no difference, but I can't help but feel like it is just our turn. We have been through the hell of all of this, and damn it, can't it just work out just this once???!!!

The thing that I try to remember is that we have no reason to believe that it is not working. Even if we tank tomorrow we have beaten the odds in so many ways. We have our sanity (mostly) intact and a relationship that is doing well under the most insane of circumstances.

LET'S HOPE SHE'S WRONG

Tonight, R and I ate dinner with some friends. One of these two friends claims to have some psychic powers. Who knows if it's true, but tonight she informed us of a few visions she'd had.

First, she said when she saw R early last week, that there were three colored swirls emitting from R's body. She says they were spirits and informed us that we'd be having triplets -- two girls, one boy. And she said the boy would be ill or have something wrong with him.

Err, thanks...?

THURSDAY'S QUANT

We got the results from quant #3 today. We're at nearly 600! So, that's up from 28 on Friday to 158 on Monday to nearly 600 on Thursday. We're feeling good, for now, and our doctor is very excited. Maybe we'll get some sleep tonight...

A TINY BIT RELIEVED... FOR NOW ANYWAYS

Neither of us could sleep very well last night for the reasons I cited in my last post. But then Rachel popped up out of bed to throw up! This is good, right? She seemed to have gone from "feeling nothing" to obviously feeling something. And while she was in the bathroom, she did another pregnancy test, which was ragingly positive. I know, it might seem silly that we'd do another test, but with the progesterone she takes, there's always that chance that the pregnancy has tanked and we don't know it. So, a test helped to give us some temporary relief. We're going to the doctor tomorrow for an extra quant test, which we requested. We're hoping the numbers look good so we can just relax for another week until the ultrasound. At least for now we feel a little better. It doesn't get much better than vomit! (who ever thought?)

ON PINS AND NEEDLES

R and I are both a mess, on pins and needles, and weary with anxiousness/nervousness. The thought of waiting two weeks for an ultrasound is too much to handle. Plus, R is on a progesterone supplement, so if things do go wrong, her body won't react naturally and expel what it needs to. (progesterone will prevent a period) So, we're freaking out, thinking something could go wrong (or has gone wrong) and that we wouldn't/don't know it because of the supplementation.

So, I put in a call to the doctor's office. I requested an additional quant test for R and scheduled it for Thursday morning. I'm personally worried that it's not early enough, as R was complaining this afternoon on the phone about "feeling funny" (in this case, 'funny' meaning that she doesn't feel like anything. To quote her, "I just feel like me with bigger boobs"). But, then again, if things do tank, there's nothing the doctor's office can do anyways. So, we wait.

The nurse said she was going to talk to the doctor, so I'm sure if it's anything to fret over, the doctor will have us come in right away. At any rate, I'm glad we'll be testing on Thursday, although I don't know if we can last even that long.

I've been so worried that I wake up during the night about every 30 minutes, maybe even more often than that. The last time R miscarried, it was in the middle of the night. She'd gotten up to pee and I heard a scream from the bathroom. It's like a broken record, playing over and over in my head. So, now I can't really sleep because I'm just listening (not purposely) for anything bad. Every time R gets up to pee, my stomach drops to the floor. It's awful.

I only wish we could skip ahead the next few weeks and be done with it. This is supposed to be an exciting time for us and it's not. It sucks.

WOO-HOO!

Great news -- we got the results of today's follow-up hCG test. R's levels have skyrocketed -- from 28 on Friday to 158 today! We are so relieved and excited! Dr. A wants to see us in two weeks, on May 1st, for an exam and ultrasound. For now, things look great. However, we know we have a ways to go before we're "in the clear". But, woo-hoo -- we're thrilled!

One more thing -- our calculated due date is December 25th, Christmas Day!

SEEING DOUBLE

I don't know if it's a sign or what, but...

Last night, R and I were eating at a restaurant outside on the deck. During the course of an hour, about five different families, all with twins, sat down to eat. They weren't together, either; it was just random. Then, just before we were leaving, a family with identical triplets showed up. I swear, neither of us had ever seen that many multiples, ever. After dinner, we headed back to our side of town to stroll the bookstore together. As we walked up the sidewalk to go into the store, we saw more twins! It was just comical. Then, this morning, R was making breakfast. She cracked open several eggs and each egg had a double-yolk (twins!).

What should we make of that?!

THE CRAZIEST THING

The craziest thing has happened. Read on.

I've been out of town for three days on business (finally got home today). Last night, after talking to R on the phone for a while, my cell phone battery started beeping to let me know it was nearly out of power. I didn't have my charger so I turned my phone off.

Well, this morning, I was sitting at breakfast with my co-workers and someone from the camp (we were staying at a 4-H camp in the middle of nowhere) came up and said I had a phone call. I didn't know what to expect. As it turns out, it was R calling to give me some interesting news and to freak out a little. She'd been trying to reach me on my cell all morning, but couldn't reach me.

The news? R decided when she woke this morning to do a pregnancy test, 4 days early. As soon as the test absorbed her urine, it turned unmistakably *positive*! She called the doctor's office and made an appointment to have bloodwork done right away.

Anyway, she went to the doctor this morning and everyone was so excited. I got home late this afternoon and we got a call with results from the quant test. R was at a level of 28, which the nurse was disappointed about, but it's the best results we've ever had and it's four days early. So, I'm thinking that's not so bad. Plus, the fact that her pregnancy test turned positive immediately says something to me. Whenever we've had a positive before, we've had to wait several minutes to get it and we've never gotten early results before.

R has to go back in for another quant test on Monday morning and we're hoping the results are what we need to see. All this waiting constantly is just driving us insane. If it's bad and won't work out, we want to know so we can deal with it. We've had some bad experiences and the truth is that even if we get the results we need, we still have weeks and weeks ahead before we'll be considered in-the-clear. But, as R says, this is the step we have to take to get there, so we'll just be happy for now with the results we have.

Please keep us in your thoughts/prayers/wishes, etc...

ALMOST DONE

I have four more days to wait. I usually have some clue about what the answer is by now, but this round is a complete mystery to me. I will just be happy to have and answer (we'll know on Tuesday). I feel both a little pregnant and a little pms-y. It is any one's guess! My day 21 progesterone was only a 11.4 and both my doctors decided not to supplement. Humm well see...
I am still a little hopeful.

WAITING

So, we did the dual insem on Monday and Tuesday. It was very uneventful. We used predictor kits this time, and my body surged before the scheduled HCG injection, so I didn't have to have even one little shot!!! The injection is hanging out in our fridge.

My doctor told me on Tuesday that she had been up since 2:30 in the morning thinking about our case. I asked her if she came to any conclusions. She told me that she hadn't, but that she had been reviewing every detail of our history, thinking about what, if anything, could be different. It makes me feel so much better to know that she really cares about us and what happens to us. The compassion that the doctor and her staff have shown us has been incredible...even when I am a very difficult patient.

MAYBE BABY??

We have not said anything because, well, we just haven't... but we are trying again and things look good so far. We are doing another (god help us) IUI cycle with the mother-load of drugs (not injectables).

We had our ultrasound today and there are five, count em', five egg follicles! Two on one side are small, but the other side has three very good-looking follicles. My doctor pointed out that one of the follicles had a large and visible cell mass within it, which surround the actual egg. It was very cool to see on the ultrasound. Plus, my very sweet doctor told me that when she finally got pregnant with her first child, after much fertility hell and at least one miscarriage, it was when she had one of these same visible eggs. Additionally, the endometrial lining was really good (9 mm on day 11!! and we still have two days of estrogen support/supplementation to go).

We are pretty excited, but we are also very aware of the realities of our situation. We have decided to go through with this cycle, and if necessary, one more after that before we re-evaluate the IVF and/or adoption option. Both of our doctors really pushed for us to continue the IUI cycles in the hope that we would hit the jackpot and avoid all the IVF fun/expense.

The risk is, of course, another miscarriage. My doctor has made it pretty clear that if we do get pregnant again that they will be watching me very, very closely. I suspect that if there is anyway for her to help support the pregnancy, she will do it. The only thing that makes me feel better about all of this is the fact that we have obsessively followed EVERY one of my doctor's orders and suggestions.

But, yeah, we have five follicles!!! Woo-hoo!

THE NERVE!

Okay, just now I was walking up the hall of my building, headed towards the bathroom. My boss' daughter-in-law works in my building and knows that R and I were/are trying to have a kid, although I don't recall ever telling her myself.

So, anyway, she stops me in the hall:

Rachel: "You and R are trying to have a kid, right?"
Me: "We've been on a break, but yes..."
Rachel: "Well, let me show you what you have to look forward to! (points at a stain on her jacket) Charles got snot all over my jacket this morning!"

Then, for some random reason, she started telling me all about her labor and delivery. It was gross. I kept trying to get away, but she wouldn't shut up. Then:

Rachel: "I know y'all have had some miscarriages... my mom was an alcoholic and drug addict... and she had, like, 9 miscarriages before she carried full-term with me... not to discourage you or anything..."

What the fuck?! Clearly, her mom had a drug problem, which may or may not have contributed to all of her miscarriages. But where is the connection to me and R? We don't do drugs, we don't drink, we don't smoke, etc. Was she equating gay-ness with drug addiction?

Oh, wait. It gets worse.

Rachel: "Well, I haven't had a miscarriage, but I've had some abortions, and it's the same thing..."

Oh, no she didn't! I think all those drugs her mom did must have fried her brain in-utero. The nerve of some people!

A LONG (BUT IMPORTANT TO JU) POST

As I've mentioned before, I have a few health issues but no certain diagnosis. I've been shuffled from one doctor/specialist to another, only to have made no progress. One person says I have raging PCOS, another says I have an adrenal dysfunction. Certainly, my hormone levels indicate that it could truly go both ways. Some of the side effects: excessive weight gain (ie, nearly 100 lbs. in less than six months time), thinning hair, etc. It's been a nightmare.

That's why I was so excited about going to see the same specialist R sees for IVF stuff. When I went with R to her first appointment, Dr. S talked to me briefly about my issues (only after he asked why I wasn't "trying-to-conceive" myself) and was very encouraging, recommending that I come see him for a diagnosis and a treatment plan. He'd been so extremely nice, sensitive, kind, etc. with us regarding all the pregnancy stuff, IUI, IVF, etc., that I felt good about going to see him for myself. I made an appointment and waited eagerly for a couple of weeks to see him.

So, the other day (Wed. 03/14) R and I went to see Dr. S (she had an appointment, too). We scheduled our appointments for the same day because he's an hour away from us and this way, we could just knock it all out at once. Well, R's appointment was first and with the nurse. We met with her and went over all kinds of stuff. Then, it was time for my appointment with Dr. S.

Now, when I made my appointment, the office manager sent over all the patient registration forms via email. I filled them all out, listing R as my "person" (for HIPAA reasons), just as R had done with me on her forms. When we actually showed up for the appointment, the nurse had me and R sign those forms and date them. Then, she weighed me, took my blood pressure, etc. I hate to wait a few minutes before I could begin the consult portion of my appointment with Dr. S, but when I was finally called back, I was told R could not come in with me. Supposedly, it had something to do with HIPAA stuff, but it was obvious to us later that Dr. S simply didn't want anyone in the room that could give input or advocate for me. My consult with him was horrible.

Dr. S reviewed my charts and even to an untrained eye, it is clear that I have a medical problem. Despite all the evidence, he wanted to turn it into a weight issue and obsess about that. He was not kind or senstive at all; in fact, he was an asshole about it all. To make matters worse, he couldn't make up his mind about what to recommend. First, he said I needed to eat more (as it is, I generally consume between 800 and 1,000 calories a day, which ain't much). Then he later said I should have gastric bypass surgery. So, which is it? Should I eat more, or have my stomach cut in half? Talk about contradiction.

As far as some of my symptoms go, his approach was not to treat them. ie, for facial hair, he suggested laser treament to remove it. Okay, so that might work, but it would be costly and wouldn't solve the problem. I'd still be a mess inside. This was just one instance of many of rediculous suggestions he had.

Dr. S seemed shocked to learn that my blood pressure is low and my cholesterol looks, as he said, "outta site!". My "bad" cholesteral is low, while my "good" cholesterol is really high. I don't know; it's like he thinks I'm simply a fat-ass and was expecting to see test results that reflect me taking poor care of myself. This wasn't the case. Ha!

Did I mention I had a cold when I went to see him? I was coughing, sneezing, and blowing my nose all over the place. R and I had stopped to fill my car with gas on our way to the appointment. When I'm sick, the only thing I care to drink is ginger ale. So, I got some in the convenience store. They didn't have diet ginger ale available. In fact, they only had one kind at all, so that's what I bought. Well, when Dr. S saw it, he said, "First of all, what are you doing with that crap?! You don't need the sugar... you need to throw that shit in the garbage..." and then proceeded to chew me out. I'm sitting there, like, dude, I'm sick with a cold!

Well, Dr. S did order some more blood work and tests. This, to me, suggests that he does think something is wrong. I mean, if you were convinced nothing was wrong, why would you bother to do a bunch of stuff that you clearly don't want to deal with? The fact that his answers throughout my consult were all-over-the-place clearly translates into: he doesn't know what's wrong, either, and doesn't want to admit it. Asshole.

Coincidentally and magically, at the very end of my consult, they finally let R come back into the room. He was, again, so nice to her. But then, he'd turn to me and say something so snappy and awful. R and I looked at each other like, what the fuck?! It was like Jekyll and Hyde or something, like she and I were talking to two different sides of the same person in front of us. I had to do a physical exam, which they also let R sit in on. Why would they let her do that and not be there for the consult? Like I said, I really think it was so he could blast me without having her there to express any thoughts/opinions. (anyone who knows R can vouch that she's not afraid to speak up when something is wrong)

Oh, one thing I forgot --
I said to Dr. S that at some point, I'd like to "try" myself, but before I could elaborate to say that my health was my first priority and I wanted to wait until I had that under control, he cut me off mid-sentence. He was like, "...you'd have to lose a ton of weight before I'd even think of letting you try..." Well, if this is the case, then why was he pressuring me the last time we were in his office to try myself? Obviously, he knew then I was overweight; he could see it and I didn't look any different for either appointment. Again, it just didn't add up.

Well, he wants me to try some "special diet". That's okay with me; I'm open to trying things. My plan is to document the hell out of it, which shouldn't be hard for me because I'm kind of obsessive about writing stuff down anyways. Hopefully, his suggestion will produce some results, but if it doesn't, at least I will have the documention to say, "you were wrong."

R was really pissed with the way I was treated. And I, obviously, am pissed. In fact, I've been stewing for days on end. The way he treated me was totally uncalled for and very unprofessional. I wondered why he'd been so nice to R and not me. As she explained it, he has a very expensive product to sell her -- ie, an IVF that costs thousands upon thousands of dollars. It's clear he thinks she'll boost his success rates. But with me, he doesn't have a product to sell and I could be a riskier candidate for pregnancy, therefore lowering his success rates.

It's always about business, isn't it? But if that's the case, why he ask me to come see him in the first place?! Ooooh, I'm so bloody mad! What do you guys think?

IVF AND STUFF

After our visit to the IVF clinic yesterday, I have to say that I am not sure I can do this. It is just a lot of cash, a lot of shots, and a lot of hell to go through for a 60% chance of having a baby. I would love to have a baby, but I just don't think I can risk that kind of cash for something that has a 40% chance of tanking.

We did find out that we have a chance of getting back into the study. I know, I know... you are sitting there wondering what the heck is going on with this study... we are, too. I was told that the clinic has enough leftover drugs to accomodate about 5-10 more study participants. For now, though, they are waiting for the head doctor to decide if he/she wants to add more people to the study or just return the drugs to the company that provided them for the study. The nurse who handles the studies said she had my file on her desk (along with the other 4 waiting patients) and that she asks at least once a week about the possibility of adding us to the study. She told us that he just keeps saying "not yet"... whatever that means. We will just have to wait and see, but I am not getting my hopes up.

I am hopeful that the next round of IUI will do the trick (our drug protocol is different this time). We are gathering adoption information and trying to sort out what is the best answer for us. If anybody has adoption connections that we should look into, please pass them along.

OTTO

So, as you can see we just couldn't stand it any longer. We broke down and got another dog in the place of the pesky and illusive baby. We really needed something fun to happen and.... well Otto is fun, and a total cuddle-monster. I have joked that there must be something wrong with him b/c he is so calm.

I am on a school break which is making me very happy!!! I really needed the break. We are gearing up for the next try and we will start the new drugs around/on the 20th, and I am hopeful. What can I say; Spring has that affect on me. Maybe we will win the chromosomal lotto? You never can tell what will happen.

In other funky news, the house next to our best couple friends has been foreclosed on and will be on the market soon. It is far from a sure thing, but it would be fabulous to live next to them. It is a fun thought that involves much less cooking than I currently do... hehehe. I plan to invade their gay-boy kitchen a lot if we live next door.

They have been trying to adopt from the foster care system and are about as annoyed with it as we are with fertility. It is always nice to feel like we are not alone in our long and annoying quest for a family.

Hope everybody is enjoying the early time change.

See ya!
R.

WE'RE NEW MOMMIES!

Meet our new "son", Otto:









To read more about Otto, visit Ju's other blog at Ju. 2007.

STARTING OVER

It looks like we will be doing another round of IUI, with all of the new drug combos recomended by Dr. S. I can't say that I am all that excited about it, but I am pretty sure that it is the right thing to do. I figure we will go one or two more rounds of dual IUI with the new drugs, and then regroup. I truly have no idea what we will do after this. Ju may try if our doctor can get her issues dealt with and if she looks more promising than I do. Or, we may move forward with the IVF. It is hard to know what to do. Right now I am probably happier and more physically comfortable than I have been in a year. My body is slowly returning to normal and I have started to lose some of the weight that I packed on during the hormonal highs and lows of the last year. I would not be suprised if we take a pretty big break (6 months or more) after these next two tries. I know that this sounds a little negative and maybe it is. I am hopeful that we will get lucky in the next few months, but I am also aware of our chances. We have been here a few too many times to be anything other than very realistic. I never thought I would feel this way, but it might be time to think about having a life beyond this. I don't think if we wait another six months or a year that it will really hurt our chances of getting pregnant (we will both be 31 in late summer/early fall). I would love to be a mom, but not at the cost of our relationship and my sanity. I have been spending more time with Z at school, and while there is no way to know if that will all work out or even if it should, I am very much open to the posibility. We will just have to see what the next few months hold in store.