!#$&^@!!!

The last time we did an insemination, we used a donor with an extraordinarily high sperm count. Some of you may recall my artistic renditions of what it looked like under a microscope. Anyhow, prior to our plans to use a known donor, we'd really wanted to buy more of this donor's sperm. However, when I called to put it on reserve, he was already "sold out". We went on a pending list with nine other folks ahead of us. Well, a couple of days ago I got a call while at work and it was now our turn to purchase high-count-sperm-guy. The timing seemed like a sign and after talking it over with R, we decided to buy some. I even arranged to pick it up for this round of insemination, just in case we'd need it should something fall through with our known donor.

Well, it's a good thing we followed our gut and bought it because tonight we found out things aren't going to work out with our KD. Even though we planned all of this weeks in advance, he suddenly has other obligations. Yeah, right. His story changed probably three or four times about what it was he had to do. He could be telling the truth; he doesn't have a history of lying. Or, maybe he just didn't want to do it and was trying to keep from disappointing me, although that didn't work. I am upset, disappointed, and mad. Mad, mostly because I feel like he lied to me, even though I have no proof.

Also, I am frustrated. I have spent weeks coordinating medicines and scheduling stuff. We even rigged R's meds so that we could time it for this weekend, rather than just letting it fall when it would on its own. All that and now, we have to just use our donor sperm from the bank. At least we know that he's got good swimmers. I'm just terribly upset to learn that we're going from having two in-office insems and one at-home insem to just having one in-office insem. I feel like our chances have just somehow been diminished greatly, even if they haven't.

Anyway, we have our insemination tomorrow morning. Wish us luck! This is try number six and the bank says that's their average of how long it takes. Let's hope there's some truth to that.

JUST A LITTLE OFF-TOPIC

I mentioned in my last post that the results from my last pap smear were abnormal. I know that lots of women get abnormal results, but still. I decided to seek out a second opinion (I needed to see a doctor anyway to get medicine for bronchitis) so I made a same-day appointment today with the doctor R sees for all of our insemination stuff. She's awesome and if anything was ever really wrong with me, I trust her.

Well, I'm so glad I went in, even though I ended up seeing the physician's assistant instead. (She, too, is awesome!) She really eased my mind by taking the time to talk to me and answer my questions and explain things. She assured me that I don't have to worry so much, but still suggested that I have a colposcopy, another test they do with their patients who have abnormal results. (A colposcopy is where the doctor uses a microscope to closely examine the cervix and the cells to determine if any are pre-cancerous and if they are, it can be treated right away.) My test won't be for four more weeks, but now that I've got some peace of mind, I am not worried about waiting just a few weeks.

Anyway, thanks to those of you who shared your stories and offered reassurance. I'll keep y'all posted.

ON WITH IT

So, things are moving right along. R started her period on Friday, a day earlier than we'd hoped for, but it's still within the window of what we need. She's taking Dexamethasone and Clomid (150mg). For now, it's just a matter of maintaining the right schedule, going to appointments, etc. Our KD still has to have his appointment with his doctor, but that's out of our hands. Worst case scenario: we have to order from the sperm bank and that's okay with us.

In other news, I got the results from my pap smear from two weeks ago. Apparently, there's an abnormality. Something about abnormal cells, but the nurse with whom I spoke was sort of unclear. She said it's not cancer and "Don't Panic." (How the hell am I supposed to not panic? It's worrisome!) I'll call the doctor tomorrow and hopefully he can more explicitly explain exactly what this means, how it effects me, and what I need to do. And if need be, I'll have more tests and/or seek out a second opinion elsewhere.

Several things could have happened to give abnormal results, ie, I was just finishing up my period. The nurse said I might have had a low-grade infection of some sort, ie, a yeast infection without knowing. (Even if I had a full-blown one, I'm not sure I'd know it because I've never had one before. How do you even know?) The nurse said something about waiting six months to get re-tested, but not if I can help it! I need help, now.

Okay, I better stop this entry short because I am starting to wig out again and R's not home from class. I'm all alone and I just need to vent! Maybe I'll just go practice my violin... after all, I do have a concert to prepare for (another thing to be stressed out about!).

R = MOUTH O' THE SOUTH

R is not known for keeping a secret well, whereas I am stubborn enough to be able to take something to my grave. I pride myself in being a good secret-keeper. R, not being able to keep it all in, told her mom that we were using a known donor, and identified him as H, who my ma-in-law met once. Oooh, this made me so, well, mad. Actually, mad isn't the correct word. I was more or less really disappointed and frustrated and upset. H is a great guy, but *I* am the one who's raising our child with R. I don't want her mom always thinking that H is dad and once that idea is planted in one's head, it's hard to shake. It's bad enough that I can't knock R up myself, without having this other person filling in the gap of the other biological parent to anyone who questions it. Make sense? Also, it bothered me because my mom-in-law, when she met H, made remarks about him being such a queen (he's gay) and such. Now, that he's helping us, she's suddenly okay with him? How frustrating!

In other news, we know two ladies in town, though not well at all, who have a little boy who was conceived through a known donor. I'd been dying to get in touch with them to ask what their situation was as far as using a donor contract. Basically, what I found out is this: they did use a contract, but when it came down to it in the end, they were told the contract was "worth about as much as the paper it was on". It didn't amount to a hill of beans and the donor still had to sign away his rights at the time of the adoption. So, that just confirms to me that we're doing the right things -- using a contract, just in case, but being wise enough to avoid debt doing it.

CONTRACTS AND TESTING

Things with our donor are moving right along, except... well, the earliest he could get an appointment to have tests done was December 5th... and we're using him on the weekend of the 9th! I don't think it will be too much of an issue, as they can put a "STAT" order on the tests. It just makes me really nervous, that's all. Scheduling this stuff is a bitch!

In other news, I spoke with the lawyer I mentioned earlier and she won't even look at the contract we already have. Rather, she wants to draw up a new one altogether and now I know why -- she wants to charge $800 to do it! I think we're going to pass, use what we have, and get it notarized. At least then we'll have something and after reading the one we have, I can't imagine getting one much better. It pretty much sums up everything and knowing that a lawyer elsewhere created it, I know it must be fairly sound. There's one thing we have to change at the very end, but the friend who gave us the copy offered to help us get the information we'd need to change the one part. With that being said, it's one more thing I can check off the list!

OUR NEXT INSEM (EDITED @ 1:06PM)

Here's the situation:

Our known donor, H, lives about an hour and a half away. Because there is a one-hour window in which to use his sperm, we're having him spend a weekend with us. (We can't get it and get back home in time) And because we need to do it on a weekend (Dec. 8th-10th), our doctor is extending R's birth control pills by about two or three days to time everything correctly. However, if we use a donor from the bank, we won't extend her pills because we won't have to take the third person's schedule/location into consideration, thus we'd naturally be due for insemination mid-week (Dec. 5th or 6th). Did I explain that well?

In the meantime, H still has to get an updated test, so he's making a doctor appointment for this week/early next week. The other thing that needs to happen is that he needs to sign the contract we have. Some friends of ours (you know who you are! *smile*) were kind enough to allow us to obtain a copy of the contract they're using with their donor, which was drawn up by a lawyer related to them. I am sure the contract is good for them where they live, but I'm not sure if it's good for us here in GA. So, I contacted a lady I know who is a lawyer and specializes in fertility/adoption law. I'm going to have her review this contract and if need be, revise it or draw up a new one altogether. I'm not sure what her fees are, but some other friends of ours who used her services for their whole adoption said it was reasonable, so surely one contract fee wouldn't be so terrible. Anyway, I know I'll feel better knowing we've had everything checked out.

We still have a donor from the bank selected in case everything falls apart and we need to use it instead of H. But, gosh, I am reeeeeeeaaaaaaaally hoping that this thing with H goes smoothly!

WAY LOTTA MARRIED

Evidently, I scared people when I tried to talk about how freaking hard this process is on one's marriage. Thus, let it be known that we are sooo not breaking up. This is just difficult and scary for each of us in such different ways. It is hard to feel sexy/human when you feel like a failed baby-making machine. It ain't easy to live with an overly-hormonal crazy woman.

It is a shame that people don't talk about how stressful this is and the toll that it takes on you as a couple, financially, personally, emotionally, and a few other -ally's. Anyhow, we love each other are very committed to this relationship and are just trying to figure out how we get through this together.

Our most recent strategy is to spend a heck of a lot more time together minus our friends. We love them, but we need to be alone a good bit more than we have in the past.

COULD ANYTHING ELSE HAPPEN?!?

Last night it came to my attention that the subfloor in our one and only bathroom is rotting! I am basically so freaked about this, I cannot even express it. I know it is not the end of the world and a contractor referred to us by a good friend is coming out this week to asses the damage. It is just MORE MONEY that is being sucked away from OUR BABY. I think the whole bathroom redo will come in around $5,000 or so. YUCK! Especially because the bathroom is really cute already, so it is not much of a cosmetic plus.

Additionally, somehow the plug to the refrigerator managed to become unplugged for about 48 hours and we had (i.e. I felt it prudent) to throw out all of the groceries ( I really fear food poisoning after having lived in Asia for a few years and having some HELLISH previous experiences). Again, it's not the end of the world, but it has been a hell of a week!

Ju took me out and let me test-drive strollers today, which is what I do when I am really bummed about all of this crap that is going on in our lives. I can't wait 'til we can look back and laugh. (By the way, I have decided that I want a mint green Peg Perego lightweight stroller with a matching click-in baby car seat and a McClaran Volo for quick trips. The crazier the color, the better.) Have I mentioned that I have already picked the nusery stuff, too? My friends (sometimes Ju, too) think that I am crazy, but they are unfortunately not surprised... I am compulsive. Feel free not to make too much fun of me for this.

In another week and a half I start taking more drugs than I have ever taken before. The truth is I am scared. Scared of all of the drugs, not getting pregnant, using a known donor, "wasting" more money by not getting pregnant, or worst of all, having to deal with the reality that this may never happen for us. The fancy-schmancy stoller may always just be on the wish list, and I will have to say things like "Well, we tried, but it just never worked out for us".

I remember when we started trying that a friend (who no less than a decade ago went through fertility hell and decided to just let it go and be happy with her husband) was very sweet and listened to me be unbelievably sure that this would happen, quickly. Then, when we lost that first pregnancy, she was supportive and said that while it was awful, at least I knew what it would feel like (emotionally) when it didn't work. The problem is that it feels different every time. It is brand new every time. Until now, every time we have tried has felt like brand new hope and excitement. This round, I lack that enthusiasm and it all feels like worry that I have a week and a half to shake off. OY, any suggestions?

HERE'S WHAT DR. A HAD TO SAY

Our chat with Dr. A went really well! We went over our options and she recommended another try with IUI. We'd planned on doing this anyway for insurance reasons. R's new insurance will cover tries beginning in January, only we had to have done it -x- number of times already. If we do it once more in December, we'll meet that number. Also, one more try will push us just over the edge financially that R can claim it on her taxes. Woo-hoo!

We discussed Letrozole, the drug that Dr. A initially suggested R switch to, but decided to stick to Clomid. Letrozole comes with a risk of birth defects and also cannot be used with other drugs. So, we're sticking to Metformin, Dexamethasone, and an increased amount of Clomid. I dread the craziness that it brings, but R and I feel this is best combination.

Somehow, the conversation came up so that Dr. A said something like, "It's too bad you don't know some guys who would just be willing to help you out...". That was when we told her about my pal, H, who recently agreed to be a donor. We hadn't decided 100% at the time he offered about whether or not we'd use him, but we've been thinking about it for a couple of weeks now and we've pretty much decided to go with it, especially since Dr. A was so willing to work with us on it. In fact, she was downright excited.

One of our main concerns was that we wouldn't have any support from our physician in doing this, but if she's willing to sign off on it and say we used a "donor", it will help us tremendously. Also, we had concerns about H changing his mind and wanting involvement with the kid sometime down the road (even though he says now that he wants no responsibility) and what we've decided is that if at some point it comes up, it would be okay if he was involved -- not in a "father" role, but involved, if that makes sense. He's a great guy and it wouldn't be so bad for our kid to know him.

Dr. A wants H to get tested for HIV and a number of other diseases and when I talked to him last night, he said that was no big deal. I'm not worried about it, as I happen to know that H has had one sex-partner in a period of five years and the last time he slept with that person was two years ago. I figure he's probably pretty low-risk.

One exciting thing -- I'd noticed that Dr. A's website sucked, so I asked if she was happy with it. She said it was really lame and I told her we could do business. (I'm a Web Developer & Graphic Designer) I think she was kind of excited, but we'll see. This could be a very good thing for me/us!

As far as when our next try will be, we're aiming for a weekend. H lives an hour and a half or so away, so we need to be able to have him here to donate. (Once a specimen is obtained, there's about an hour window before sperm start to die down, and there's no way we could get it and get home in an hour, so he'll have to come here.) Dr. A said this was not a problem, as we can simply extend the pills R's on by a few extra days to time it correctly, if we need to. However, she thinks R's cycle will fall on a weekend anyway.

We feel so much better now that we've had a chance to get a plan together. We like to be in-the-know and lately, we've had so many questions, that everything has felt sort of all-over-the-place. I think we're making some good decisions and I'm excited about getting on with it.

TOMORROW

Tomorrow, R and I have an appointment with our doctor to discuss what happens next and to go over our options. We're lucky because we'll see Dr. A at 4:00 and she has nothing scheduled after that, so we'll have plenty of time to really talk. I'm so nervous to hear what she'll say, but I'm also excited and eager to get as much information as we can! (In case no one noticed, R and I like to be informed.) Also, we really like the staff at our clinic and we really enjoy seeing everyone.

Some of the questions we plan to ask:

1. the benefits of Letrozole vs. Clomid?


2. are there any drug combinations that work well in combination with Letrozole?


3. should we use injectables instead? is that something Dr. A would be willing to do/monitor?


4. how many more rounds of IUI before seeking out IVF?


5. how many follicles would Dr. A like to see?


6. nutrition/supplements? foods to avoid?

These are all I can think of off the top of my head, but I'm sure I'll come up with more. R will have plenty to say, too, I am sure! Is there anything else we're obviously missing??

MARRIAGE AND IVF THOUGHTS

We survived another week post near-baby miss. In the last week and a half Ju went out of town for work, we lost the almost-baby, and I started a new job. We have been a little bit busy. Right now, we are mostly focusing on each other and our marriage. Not to worry -- we are not about to hit the skids, but this has been hard on both of us in very different ways.

The good news is that we are, overall, doing really well, even if we are a little confused about what the hell we are supposed to do next about the baby. My favorite next-door neighbor, Kate, commented that she thought we were the kind of couple that is able to deal with the special kind of joy that fertility brings and grow from it. It was a really kind comment; I know that I have not been the easiest spouse lately.

We are carefully considering our next move right now and IVF feels more to me like the answer. The truth is, I don't really know what to do. I just really want us to have a kid or two and not have us lose our minds and go broke trying.

So, now for my questions to all of you in baby making land:

a) When/how did you know it was time to move on to an IVF cycle from IUI?
b) How did you fiance the sucker?
c) Has anyone taken Letrozole? If so, what is the story on my doctor's new IUI drug of choice?
d) How long did it take you to set up an IVF cycle?

I know it is a lot of questions, but I am a gal in need of information and understanding.

Oh, by the way, Ju talked to her friend about the sperm donation and he said "Sure, it is just going to waste anyway...". How funny that he seems to view it as nothing.

TALKIN' ABOUT DONORS

Ages ago, two male friends of mine offered to donate their sperm. One guy insisted on doing it the old-fashioned way (eew!) so we immediately excluded him as a possibility. The other guy travels on the job and is only home for a couple of days out of the month, so he got excluded by default, as it is too hard to coordinate with someone who is never around.

In the meantime, one of my close male friends, H, has made comments here and there, jokingly, about donating. But now I'm wondering if he's really joking, or if he'd sincerely agree, should I approach him. You see, he's made jokes in the past that turned out to not be jokes, so I'm wondering if this is one of those situations. R and I have thought about approaching him, but my goodness, how the heck am I supposed to do that? I have no clue what to say. I don't want him to feel pressured or wierd, ya know.

Any thoughts?

WHEN TO MOVE ON?

Things are pretty much about making sure we are still putting one foot in front of the other around here. We are both so upset and just trying to deal with all of this.

I made an appointment to go and talk with our doctor and see what she has to say. I want to learn more about the medicine she thinks we should try next time, and how many more IUI cycles she thinks we should do before moving on to more invasive stuff.

I need a plan badly. I need to know what we should be doing, and what the game plan is long range. It makes me feel a lot more okay when I know what to expect. Right now I feel like I don't have any vision of where we are going or what our real chances are, etc. I know that the more we try, the less likely it is to happen. At what point has our luck just run out?

We are going out with a couple that just completed their sixth try and are waiting to find out the results. They said they think that this will be their last shot and I am curious to know what their reasons are. I am equally curious to know what our doctor has them doing and why

The truth is that I have pretty much lost hope that IUI will ever work for us. I am ready to move on and give IVF a try. I know that it is major money and major physical pain, but I need to know if this will ever work. I need to know in two or three tries of IVF if it is time to move on to adoption, etc., rather than waiting out another few months of IUI then IVF. I just need for us to find out the answer, even if it is an expensive one.

What we are going through is pretty emotionally expensive right now and to be honest, our collective sanity/relationship is worth a good deal more to me that the money IVF would cost. I wonder if I would be able to even deal with IVF if we have to go through all of this again. It is very difficult to know what to do or when to make the leap to IVF.

If anyone has any advice on the subject please share. Similarly, if anyone has any advice on Atlanta area RE's or affording all this high tech baby making, share!

SOME GOOD NEWS

R had open enrollment for insurance this week. She took the paperwork to the insurance specialist at our clinic, who was kind enough to research each plan and the benefits of using one versus another. What we found out is that one of the plans will pay for inseminations. This is great news! It will not, however, cover the cost of donor sperm, but that's okay with us. Buying donor sperm isn't so much a big deal if we don't have to pay for all of the other stuff. It's about time we had some relief.

In the meantime, Amanda from For the Byrds recommended some different sperm banks to us that are less expensive than the one we use. I don't know if these others will meet our needs, but it's definitely something to look into, again (it's been a while since we initially researched, so it may be good to refresh our memories and check on things). Thanks, Amanda!

A THOUGHT

I was just sitting here and thinking about IVF; nothing in particular, other than I had the thought that if we ended up going that route, maybe R could use a combination of her eggs and my eggs. That way, we could have a combo pack of multiples, possibly. Honestly, I don't even know if this is a possibility. Is it?

WHAT NEXT?

R and I are both going through a difficult time right now, but for some reason, I am having an especially hard time with this. I can hardly go an hour without bursting into tears while working at my desk. And I'm exhausted. Totally drained. I've been sleeping excessively and still, I want more sleep. I just feel terrible, even though I'm trying really hard to remain positive about the good stuff.

Also, I feel guilty for not being able to try myself and for that not being an option. If I can ever get well, which eventually I will, then maybe I can try. But right now there's not even the slightest bit of a possibility, so it makes me feel even worse.

We're in a wierd situation with the donor stuff. The donor we used last time, who has a remarkably high sperm count, is the donor we'd like to use again. However, he's quite popular according to Xytex. We can either:

• immediately purchase the two vials he has left (which, by now, are probably sold out), which are washed (we prefer unwashed), and pay extra for storage

or


• we can be put on a pending list, which has nine people ahead of us

or


• we can say screw it and choose another donor altogether.

Then again, who knows what we'll do next. We haven't given up on trying, but we made an appointment to go to this adoption information session thingie the first weekend in November. We scheduled it two months ago and had kind of forgotten about it. Well, at least I had forgotten, but then R reminded me and we decided we're still going to check it out.

In the meantime, we're wondering what our next move should be. Do we try another IUI? I mean, we've only done four, which isn't that much, but also, we don't want to continue going that route if it won't work. So, do we skip ahead and go for IVF? I'd be all for it, except that it's soooo bloody expensive. I don't want to spend $15,000 for one chance at something that may not work. That would suck a lot more than only $5,000, which is what we've spent total so far for four IUI tries.

Needless to say, we have so many questions.

IT'S OVER.

The results from our test this morning came back negative. Dr. A wants R to discontinue taking the progesterone supplements so she can expel, ie, have a period. This is terribly upsetting, but not surprising given the events of the last week.

We're taking a month off, at least, and we're thinking we'll try again over Christmas break; that is, if we're up to it. In the meantime, the doctor wants R to take Ovcon 35 Oral, which is a type of birth control, I think. She'll also take Letrozole Oral, a medication more commonly known to treat breast cancer, when we start trying again.

For now, we just need time to cope and process this.

JU's WORDS

For my story about my trip home and how my Mom is handling the news of all of this (she didn't know we'd been trying or anything), visit my blog at Ju 2006.

To follow up on what I wrote there, I got an email from my Mom this evening. She wanted to thank me for coming and for helping her with her new computer. But mainly, she wanted to check on R. It was pleasantly surprising. I just can't believe she's being so calm and okay. I'm honestly still waiting for it to sink in and for her to throw a fit.

Both R and I forgot to mention that we met two new gals in Athens who are also trying. Well, I say met, but really, we've only spoken with them via telephone, but we made arrangements to have dinner with them later this week. It's kinda funny because our doctor is the one who arranged for us to meet. She asked us if it was okay to pass along our info and asked them the same. So, here we are.

I don't know a whole lot about them, other than one of them is pretty butch and they've been trying to conceive (by the way, I despise the shortened acronym "TTC" -- I hate the way it looks or something -- reminds of those ta-ta-for-now "TTFN" acronyms that people use far too often in email exchanges) for almost a year unsuccessfully. I also know, though, that they haven't been very aggressive with it as far as medications and such.

Anyway, we're kind of excited to know anyone else doing this in our own town and the butch one is glad to meet me, I think, because she doesn't have anyone to talk to about her role in this. I feel the same.

As for us, we made it through the weekend. That's longer than we expected. And oddly enough, R's still having lots of signs, ie, sore boobs, back pain, and today she had morning sickness. We had to stop the car early in the day for her to puke and then when we returned from Target this evening, she hurriedly got out of the car and puked in our driveway. Poor thing. It could be stress, we don't know.

We have our appointment with our doctor in the morning to do more blood work. We'll have results within a couple of hours after that, probably around lunch time. We're both really hoping for good news. Keep those good thoughts/prayers/etc coming -- we'll take all we can get!

ONE VERY LONG WEEKEND

We are still very hopeful but trying to be realistic. This has all been very difficult, mostly because we just don't know. I would love to know what the deal is but we just don't and this is hard. Ju went to her mom's to clean out her old high school stuff from the house at her mom's obsessive insistence, so I was sent to my mother's for safe keeping while Ju is away. I know this is strange, but it is kinda nice not to be home and not to be around Ju because it makes me feel a little more normal, a little less like this is really happening to us.

We talked with our wonderful Dr. on Friday because she is going out of town next week, which is upsetting because she is a life line and I like to have her support and counsel. She told us that she was not really ready to throw in the towel on this pregnancy and that because my progestrone level is in her words "awesome" she felt we might have a shot. We will go back for more tests on Monday and see how things look. So far, so good. She also said that we might want to take a month off if this pregnancy doesn't continue and take birth control pills to suppress my ovaries and them hit them with an enormous chunk of stimulating drugs. Scary, but okay.

I have a lot going on this month, which for anyone who knows me, is kind of a joke; like, when are things in life ever calm??? The lady who will be taking over my job is going to be there on Monday morning to start figuring things out. I will also begin to pack up my things and take them out of my classroom to get ready to take them to my new school. I love the people I work with and this is beyond scary for me to move to a new place with a very different professional culture, from what I hear anyway. I am thrilled about the job but super-scared that I won't be any good at it, and they will be sorry they ever picked me. It looks like Nov. 1st will be day one of the new job. OY VAY!!!

I am pretty out in my current job and now I will have to begin the annoying process of helping everyone else process my gayness, again. Good times, I tell you. Oh well, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

On the house front, we are devoting next weekend to working on the house and making choices about the sale of the house. Like, if we want to try it by ourselves again or if we want to list it, along with all of the repercussions of these choices and what it is, exactly, that we want to do.

Being a grown-up is so complicated!!!!

WHO KNOWS...

It's late afternoon on Friday and we're still hanging in there. The results from R's progesterone test came in and the nurse relayed to us that Dr. A said it looked "awesome." So, that's something good, right?

Although, I must admit, I'm a bit confused as to what this means, exactly, and how this helps/hurts us. The test yesterday was to check hcg, I think, which should be at a level of 5. It wasn't. Yet, the doctor's office only gave us a "maybe" because they were waiting for the progesterone test to come back. Now that they have "awesome" results, does this mean things are looking up?

I just don't know what's going on right now. It all seems too surreal. But hopefully, we'll hear from Dr. A today and we'll have an inkling.