I DON'T HAVE A TITLE

While R is *technically* pregnant, the hormone levels don't seem strong enough to be able to maintain it. We fully expect for this to go away either today or over the weekend. The pregnancy test this morning was negative. That's not good.

But we're plodding along and who knows, maybe this is all just a test of our patience and our wanting, and maybe this will all work out. There's the tiniest sliver of a chance and I guess that's better than nothing.

In the meantime, there's lots of tears and lots of worry. R's got the day off from work, just in case something goes wrong. I'll probably go to work for a while, but I'll be "on call" and will probably come home early.

A LITTLE BIT PREGNANT

Whoever said you can't be a little bit pregnant is wrong! Continue reading to find out why:

This morning, R got up and as she's done every morning for days on end, took another pregnancy test. Just after that she left for work. And then just after that, the test turned positive. I got really excited and called R at work to leave a message for her before leaving to go to work myself.

I had to stop at the store on my way to work to pick up a couple of little things and ran into our doctor, of all people. She asked how we were doing and I told her that we got a positive test this morning. She got a bit excited and told us to come in for a blood test today. So, on my way to work, I called to leave R another message to say she needed to do a blood test today.

Finally, I arrived at work and just as I was getting all settled into my office, my phone rang. I assumed it was R returning my calls, but instead it was the school where she teaches. They asked if I could come pick her up because she'd gotten sick and passed out at school. Of course, I left my job and headed right over.

So, I picked up R and we headed straight to the doctor's office, where we did a blood test. On the way there, R reminded me of the story her mom has told a million times. Basically, the story is that the only time R's mom ever passed out in her life was when she was very first pregnant. Of course, R thinks this is what is happening with her, too.

We got our results from the doctor a little while ago. Dr. A's answer is "maybe". Not a no, not a yes, just maybe. She wants us to do another blood test on Monday, but by then we'll probably know on our own anyway, as R is supposed to start her period tomorrow or Saturday. So, as it stands now, we are a little bit pregnant.

This is sooooooooooo frustrating!!! Actually, there are no words to describe how this feels. We just want an answer. We can deal with yes. We can deal with no. But we just need to know what we're dealing with!

CONVERSATION

R's been displaying some of the tell-tale signs of being pregnant, yet our tests are coming up negative. We weren't sure if the medicines and hormones were causing her body to do wierd things, or if it could possibly be that the hormones would cause a negative result, so I called Dr. A's office to inquire about this.

I spoke with the nurse/coordinator and told her what was going on - ie, R's been having some nausea, her boobs are the size of Texas, and she's been feeling "wierd", etc. The nurse said, "Oh, that's good!" I inquired about the testing and she checked our chart, then told me it was too early. So, I guess I have to take her word for it.

At any rate, I feel the slightest bit relieved, at least for now. At least I feel justified in holding out hope.

PROGESTERONE

On Friday, R had some bloodwork done to test her Progesterone levels. The results were supposed to be in first thing this morning, but instead, they didn't come in until after 2:00pm. As it turns out, the results are okay. R's within the normal range for what the progesterone levels should be, although the doctor said she wished it would be slightly higher. So, Dr. A wants R to take some daily oral supplements.

So, that's where we're at right now. Things could go either way, but we're doing everything we can and everything we're asked to do. I just spoke with R and she's on her way as I write this to pick up her prescription so she can take it before she goes to class tonight.

More coming soon.

WHAT IS A "BETA"?!

Clearly, we want to become pregnant, hopefully soon, because we have spent the family fortune. We're beginning to worry about our ability to financially keep up with the ever-increasing cash and emotional/hormonal demands of this process. That said, this morning I got up and faithfully peed on a stick, and well we got nothing. I mean, nothing, which made me feel awful and okay at the same time. I say 'okay' simply because I want the test to scream "you are having a baby some time in late June!!!" However, I also know my semi-positive stuff could all just be trigger shot silliness as I read on the internet this AM:

Every woman's metabolism is different, but as a general rule of thumb, you should allow 1 day for every 1,000 units of hCG you injected. The standard hCG dose is 10,000 units; thus, 10 days after the shot, the synthetic hCG should be gone and you should be able to test for pregnancy without detecting the shot. However, you should ask your doctor what the recommended protocol for your dosage is.

Some women choose to test daily to monitor the essence of the hCG in their bodies; once the synthetic hCG is gone, the tests become negative. If the hCG "comes back" and the HPT's turn positive again, it's likely due to a pregnancy and not the leftover hormone shot.

I would reference the site but I don't remember which of the 4,000 sites I looked at it was on... sorry!

Anyhow, we are just hanging in there to see how this goes.

I will say, however, the only time I have ever seen any sort of positive was the first time we did it, which is when I had what I believe to be an amazingly early miscarriage. I stupidly did not really acknowledge it at the time and made no effort to slow my life down whatsoever afterwards, and ended up giving myself shingles.

NOW COULD SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT A BETA IS???

I did go in Friday to have my progesterone checked and we will find out the results first thing tomorrow (Monday) morning. Depending on the results, I may need to go in for a dose of extra progesterone, so I can try to hold on to these hopefully fertilized eggs.

#3

Okay, a third test was taken this morning -- but pretty much, there's nothing there. I mean, there is the slightest bit of a faint line, much lighter than what has shown up before. We feel slightly disappointed, but we're reminding ourselves that it's still early.

TESTING, ONE, TWO

After last night's testing experience, we decided to do a second test this morning, when R's sample would be most concentrated. Again, the test did the same thing, with a faint line, but this time the line was darker. See?


R's test #2, without a flash


R's test #2, with the camera flash

We were thinking that the test could be false positive because of all of the hormones R's been taking. But then the fact that today's test was darker seems to negate that theory.

I took a test myself, just to see what would happen and if mine would yield any sort of extra line. The results:


my test = negative!

Even after several hours, my test still shows no signs of the extra line. We were told that sometimes if you wait too long, the extra line would show up. But that hasn't happened.

So... we're thinking R's test is definitely a positive. Now, whether or not it is a real positive has yet to be seen.

*keeping fingers crossed*

FAINT POSITIVE???

Every day, R's been saying that she was sure everything worked this time. I've been so excited, I can hardly stand it. Then, today, R came home and announced she wasn't so sure anymore. So, even though we know pregnancy tests down't work this early on, we did one anyway. Even though it doesn't make any sense, it actually made us feel better, somehow.

Anyway, R did the test but had to leave quickly as she was running behind schedule to meet up with a friend. So, I'm sitting here looking at this pregnancy test and I swear, I think there's a faint positive line. Now, I don't know if it's a fluke, my imagination, or the real deal.

I've taken a photograph. What do ya think?

CHANGES?

This is kind of a strange question -- but of those of you who have had pregnancies, did you notice any immediate changes "down there"?

R says "it feels different" and sure enough, when I checked things out, it felt different -- sort of spongy, but hard beneath, if that makes any sense.

Any thoughts out there?

p.s. Happy Coming Out Day!

YADA YADA YADA

Okay, I know that this is really crazy because I am not a calm person. People who know me can attest to this. I am pretty manic, and go a little nuts if things don't go my way. However, I am feeling oddly calm; so calm it makes me uncalm. It truly feels just like things are going to be just great and I don't really have to sweat it. Baby or no baby, we will be exactly perfect. It might just be my own body's relief over not being poked, prodded, tested, medicated, and messed with for a few weeks, or it might be that we have reached what I am sure is a brief stint experiencing the zen and art o' baby making.

This is not to say that I am sure it will work, only sure that we/our drs./the donor, etc. have done our dead-level best and that we are getting closer, even if we are not actually there yet. That a baby could happen.

I have had plenty of days where I thought that it was impossible, that it was really just time to give up and admit that it was time to talk seriously about trying to adopt. I am not against adoption, for us or anyone else. I think that it is great. I am just afraid of all of the horror stories. Not that fertility doesn't come with horror, but it is a horror that I feel more in control of (I don't claim to make sense). It worries me to think that a new mom whose child was promised to us could change her mind and we could walk away without a baby when we were so close. I know that if/when we get to a point where adoption makes sense for us that we will not hesitate. I am just glad that day is not today and that hope has returned in whatever small way to this endeavor and to us as a couple.

Obviously, we talked about how hard it was to try and not be successful or be semi-successful for a day. I just don't really think even I knew how hard this had been on us individually or collectively until things changed and the process started looking promising again. Even when we started the process this round we were so cautious and sad. I have just been braced for the bottom to fall out any minute. Everything changed when the egg count was up and the sperm looked like they were actually MOVING.

Like I said, I am sure that this is only a moment of calm in a much wider and wilder sea of parent making and parenting, but it is nice to be in right now. I appreciate the break.

SPERM COUNTS

Yesterday, R and I went to Dr. A for our first insemination, using Donor #1. They'd just finished "washing" as we arrived and we got to view the specimen under a microscope. My word, it was amazing! I mean, the whole field was totally covered in moving sperm, without a bit of blank space inbetween. It was completely unlike any other specimen sample we'd seen in past inseminations. Needless to say, we were very excited about this, as was everyone else present. Lots more happened and R wants to blog, so I'll leave my comments to the topic of sperm count only and she can fill in the other details.

my rendition of Donor #1's sperm count

This morning, we went in for insemination number two, using Donor #2. Since it's Saturday, one nurse and Dr. A had to come in just for us. We arrived while the nurse was "washing" and we just chilled out and talked with her for a long time. Dr. A had not yet arrived, as she was still busy with patients at the hospital. Anyway, the nurse showed us the specimen under the microscope. To say we were disappointed with what we saw is an understatement. I mean, there were only a few sperm crawling around, with all this blank space inbetween.

As it turns out, the count of Donor #2 isn't bad; as long as there are at least ten per field of power, it's good. When Dr. A arrived, she said he was okay, but that she could understand our disappointment in comparison to Donor #1. In fact, she said that Donor #1 had an abnormally high count; the most she's seen!

my rendition of Donor #2's sperm count

FROM THE DESK OF R

We are so excited that there was more than one little egg-o this time!! I am kind of at the end of my rope, homonally seaking, and having more than one egg really made me feel like it was all worth it; that we are still in the baby making game and that there is some hope. The last few weeks have been very difficult because the drugs have been pretty intense, both physically and hormonally, and because there has just been a lot going on in general.

We have had things go haywire with the sale of the house and my job has been a bit challenging to say the least. Fortunately, we are taking a bit of a house break this week. We will meet with an agent next Monday about listing our house. We are considering flipping our house, essentially, and will be talking to the agent about which improvements will have the most impact on the sale price of our house when we relist it. There have been a few very sucessful and profitable flips in our neighborhood and if it means a lot more money, I am willing to live in a construction zone for a few months. The truth is that our house is very small, but we could make it work with a little one if need be. Plus, all the improvements that we would make would be things that we want done if we wind up having to stay in the house for some reason.

As for the job, things are going very well there, but I am just crazy-busy trying to keep my head above water. This time of year is always hard because it is a very long stretch to make it from the beginning of the school year (Aug 1st) to Thanksgiving break at the end of November. This is a very typical time of year to start to lose it a little :).

I am trying to be realistic about the baby, but I am very hopeful. Even if it doesn't work I know that we have a pretty good shot with the drug combo we have used this round.

MORE THAN ONE

We went for R's ultrasound today and it wasn't a bit too early, as the eggs Dr. A detected are quite mature. We've decided to do a dual insemination and I'll drive three hours tomorrow morning to pick up the extra specimen. Tonight R has to have the HCG injection, but the woman who usually assists us is out of town. Our next-door neighbor works in a pharmacy lab, however, and has arranged for us to do the injection with one of his co-workers, who has lots of experience administering shots.

We'll have our first insemination late tomorrow afternoon and then the second on Saturday morning. We're excited, but the fucked up and funny part is that we're using two different donors for the two inseminations. So, technically, we could end up with twins that have different biological fathers! How insane is that?!

I ended up telling my boss today about what we're doing and I was so surprised at how accepting and supportive she's being. It's awesome! I mean, she is so excited about this and said she was going to pray for us and keep good thoughts for us. I am just so excited to have people around me at work who I don't have to tiptoe around because they're all so supportive and encouraging.

DYE TEST IS OVER

R had the dye test today to see if her fallopian tubes had any blockages. It was really interesting to see up on screen because it didn't look anything like the diagram you see in health class. Her fallopian tubes are very long and they wind all around. They're higher on one side than the other, too.

We'd been told by the doctor herself that the test would be really painful, but R said it wasn't that bad. It hurt some during the procedure, but afterwards she felt okay. Our doctor said everything looked really good. She did, however, move our ultrasound up one day, rather than waiting until Friday to do it. Better early than too late.

Dr. A mentioned that she'd had a lot of success lately doing dual insemination with unwashed sperm. Strangely enough, the specimen we ordered this month only came in unwashed, so that's what we have. We don't have enough to do a dual insemination, but if the ultrasound results tomorrow are really good, I'm going to order a second vile and drive the three hours to pick it up. I mean, if we're going all out, then we might as well do everything we can.

One funny thing - I ran into my boss while I was at the hospital. When we arrived, we were told we needed to go and register, something we didn't know we'd have to do as no one told us ahead of time. So, we went to register and then had to sit in this waiting area while they processed everything, which took about 45 minutes. At some point, R got up to use the restroom and right then my boss came in. She was just as surprised to see me as I was her and we spoke for a few minutes. As it turns out, she has an aunt who is very ill and has just started chemo, so she was there to visit. It was really strange. On the bright side, at least my boss knew I was doing something legitimate and not just ditching work for no good reason.

SPERM PANIC

All week, R and I knew we'd have to purchase our donor sperm. At first, I put it off for a day or so while I tried to figure out what to do about shipping. (shipping vs. picking it up, when to ship, etc.) After that, R kept asking me to go ahead and purchase, suggesting I put in on my one and only credit card, which has a very small limit. I'd said to her that there wasn't enough there for me to charge it, but somehow she just thought I was being stubborn and refusing to use my card; a communication misunderstanding to say the least.

Friday (payday), I called the donor bank to verify costs, shipping, etc. As of Friday morning, our donor was available. I needed to check on something with R, however, so I told the woman at the bank I'd call back in the afternoon to order. I went to lunch to celebrate my birthday with co-workers and when I returned, I phoned the bank. The woman then told me that our guy was "sold out"; someone had purchased the last available bit sometime between then and when I'd last called.

I got in touch with R right away, who was immediately upset, as I was, over the fact that our chosen donor was no longer available to us. Of course, we had to choose someone else, so she said she trusted me to decide for us. So, I had to go through the database of available donors and somehow, I found one I like even better than the last donor. He's good-looking, has a wonderful family history, is healthy, gave a thoughtful and intelligent essay, and he seems to be really well-rounded. I think I made a good decision. R thinks he's good, too, although she's still really bummed out about not using the guy we originally picked out. She'd just gotten really excited and used to the idea of that first guy, but she's coming around.

The donor sperm we purchased was only available in unwashed, which kind of sucks because we always buy it washed. Fortunately, washing is a service our doctor's practice offers, so it's not that big of a deal; it's just kind of a pain. The total cost of everything was about $100 cheaper, since they didn't have to wash it, but our doctor charges $100 extra to wash it, so it all evens out in the end.

Well, everything is sneaking up upon us quickly. We're very excited, nervous, concerned, anxious... all of the emotions, all at once. We're just keeping a positive attitude, trying to enjoy ourselves, and we're thankful for all the support we're getting. Our friends and folks with whom we work have all been fabulous. Only a few more days to go...

NEWS FROM JU.

R and I have both been so slack about keeping this blog up-to-date, but it hasn't been without good reason. We've been so busy!

R might have mentioned it in a previous post, but I'm at a new job, which I love. It does keep me busy, though, and learning how to readjust my schedule has been challenging. I used to work from my home office, so cleaning the house and doing the laundry, etc, was never a problem, as I could simply do it any time. Now, I have to plan everything out and I stay busier due to not having as much time to myself during the daytime. I'm not complaining, though. I love my job and I'm not so lonely or bored from being home alone anymore.

R has had an interesting go of it since the new school year started and she's excited about finally getting out of working for the grant she now works for. Soon, she will be in a gifted teaching position, so that's pretty exciting. And since she's finished her third degree (an EdS, which is a step between a Masters and PhD), she'll be getting a nice pay raise, which means more money for us to do what we need.

We may have a buyer for our home, finally, but we won't know anything for sure for at least one more day. We're really hoping it works out for us because there's another house in town that we love, love, love and that would be perfect for us. *knocking on wood*

In baby news, we've got a busy week ahead of us. R started taking steroids this week and she's doubled up on Clomid (the maximum amount allowed), in addition to the prenatals and Metformin she takes daily. We'll go in next Wednesday, the 4th, for an outpatient diagnostic procedure - a histing-something. I can't ever remember the word, but it's a test where they inject dye into your fallopian tubes and then take x-rays to see if there are any blockages. Afterwards, they flush out the tubes to rid them of any dye. The procedure, according to our doctor and everyone we know who has done it, is very painful, but the good news is that the flushing of the tubes increases our chance for successful conception.

After that procedure, we'll do an ultrasound on Friday, the 6th. Depending on those test results, we'll be inseminating either that weekend, or on Monday, the 9th. This, of course, will involve doing an HCG trigger shot to do a timed release of the egg. It's almost too much to keep it all straight.

In other news, this coming Friday (29th of Sept) is my 30th birthday! I'm really looking forward to celebrating with friends. I've got a feeling that my 30th year will be the best ever!

WE AREN'T DEAD JUST BUSY

I know it has been a really long time since either of us posted anything, but things have been a little crazy. Ju has a new job, my job has been completely out of control, and we are in the middle of selling our house.

Okay so here is the short version:

1. We are on an official break from baby hell. For once, I am actually really, really okay with it and not in much of a hurry to rush back into "trying". I think that when we are really ready to do all of that again I/we will really know it. I suspect that will happen sometime late in the Fall, maybe as early as October, but I am not pushing it. My constant inner time table is completely blown anyway, so why not just wait 'til it feels okay again?


2. The house is on the market. We think we have a buyer, but we are waiting to see what happens. In the event that our house sells and the buyer wants to move in quickly, we will be, for the most part, homeless. We do not have a house we want to buy, as our best friends have purchased the house we wanted... oy vay! I help them move next week! We are thinking that we may just rent some little something until we can figure out what to buy. Yet again, the inner time table is blown, so why not just take our time? In the event that we do not sell our house by the middle to end of September, we are just going to stay put until Spring.


3. Ju has a brand new job that is fabulous and has amazing benefits, so we are really excited about this!! My job, on the other hand, has been a little more trying lately and I think that the additional pressure of baby stuff, combined with all of the hormones, might be the thing that pushes me over the edge. So, we wait...

Other than all of that, we are just hanging out with the dogs/cats... hahaha.
I am trying to be much more okay with all of the changes that have occured, as well as okay with the changes that I wanted that didn't occur. I am trying to just enjoy what we have going on right now and accept that things are just going to be a little upside-down for a while. I find myself more often than not really relieved that we don't have another person to care for right this second. We're having enough trouble managing everything as is -- a sure sign that sleep depravation would be a very bad thing to add to the mix right now.

HOW LONG DOES THIS TAKE ANYWAY?

I am SO annoyed that we are going on vacation (I know... you don't really feel sorry for me) and not trying again this month. I know I said previously that I thought it was a good idea for us to take a little break, but I was wrong... I hate it and I want a baby and I want it now!!

The thought that we are doing anything which does not directly work to produce a kid makes me completely crazy. It is my only goal right now. Feel free to think that I have completely lost my mind because I am pretty sure that I have. I know that I am not being rational and as all of my friends with children are happy to point out, I will "miss all of the free time later". But I really could care less.

The idea of going back to work and having to tell all of my friends that the trying was unsuccessful is just awful. Not to mention that it is my job to educate and care for small children, some of whose parents are sometimes less than focused on actually parenting their child. Somehow, this just makes it worse. I think that the only person who has a more difficult job to have while going though this mess is my OBGYN, who told me she went through hell twice to have her little girl, and then quickly concieved two more times very quickly after that. Based on the folks I have seen in her office, my guess is that it would be exactly no fun to deliver babies to 15 year olds while unable to have one yourself.

PLEASE, EVERYONE, COMMENT AND TELL ME HOW MANY MONTHS IT TOOK YOU TO EITHER:
A)GET PREGNANT B)GIVE UP C)COMPLETELY GO CRAZY

By the way, if you were actually lucky enough to get pregnant please tell me what all you did to achieve this.

Maybe I should take up drinking? For me, not the hypothetical pregnancy...

INVESTIGATION CONTINUED...

My friend, Christina, commented on my last "Investigation" post and here's what she had to say:

I have a lot of experience with the whole "business licensing" thingy because I work for a company who offers that to our clients in NC and SC. I checked this company out on the Georgia Secretary of State's office (most every state has info open to the public on businesses) here:

https://corp.sos.state.ga.us


It appears that this non-profit corp. "tried" to file their formation documents in GA on 5/8/2006 and that the filing was "disapproved" for some reason or another. This could simply mean that they didn't fill the form out correctly, left info off, paid the wrong registration fee, etc. The only thing that raises my eyebrow on this company is that they JUST now tried to file their registration to "do business" in GA. This means that they are just now either starting to do business or have been doing business without the proper qualification to do so yet. Just something to think about since you were wanting to find out more about this NP corporation. Hope this helps!

INVESTIGATION

In my last post, I mentioned an adoption agency, Foundations of Light Ministries, which we'd found about while visiting their booth at Atlanata Pride last weekend. We'd looked at their website, hoping to get information, but their site is poorly built and didn't have much available. So, we called and R spoke with someone who explained how things work and said they'd mail us a packet of information. Sure enough, within two days, we had paper information.

Something about it seems really fishy, I can't explain it. Like, it's too good to be true. Also, the only contact information we have is a PO Box address and a 1-800 telephone number. So, I decided to do some investigating.

I contacted the Better Business Bureau. They confirmed that the PO Box address I had was legitimate, but that it's not listed under the name Foundations of Light Ministries. And, BBB had no record of the 1-800 for the organization. The woman I spoke with said that it's not enough to prove the organization is not legit and they'd really only have any information if they'd received any negative reports or complaints. Since they hadn't had any negative reports, they didn't have anything on file. That woman suggested that my next step should be to call the business license office to check if they even had a business license. I haven't done that yet, but I will.

Anyway, I'm left having not the best impression. And I just had to share, since several people have emailed to ask me to pass along information. I'll post more about my "investigation" as it goes along.