WE DID IT!

Well, our little blue house is now officially on the market. We’re kind of sad about this, as we love our home, our neighborhood, and our neighbors/friends. However, our house is just too small anymore and we need more room for Button!

We’re hoping to sell within a reasonable amount of time because we’d like to be in a new home before Button arrives. We’d especially like to begin work on a baby nursery. We’ve been working our butts off to get everything perfect for an open house on Tuesday, the 24th — the same day we go to the doctor to learn Button’s gender!

Stay tuned for more…

WE HAVE MOVEMENT!

I felt the baby move this morning! R was lying there and said she felt it, so she put my hand on her stomach and I swear, I felt it, too! It was the best thing ever. That's all!

SORRY ABOUT MY LACK OF BLOGGING....

So, I haven't really been blogging much, in case you haven't noticed. The only reason we still have a blog is because Ju manages to actually post entries, unlike me!

I've had a hard time talking about the baby because it is hard for me to feel like this is all okay and I don't want to feel stupid later when something happens to the baby. I am getting over this because I am starting to see that we really are having a baby and not a medical disaster, which is exciting!

I became a very good fertility patient. I read everything, worked hard to understand what was going on, and talked with doctors endlessly. However, in the process I become very comfortable with the idea that I was unlikely to ever get/stay pregnant. Then, it happened...poof...no more infertility patient! I became a regular OB patient and while I get some special treatment, like a monthly ultrasound (and a doctor who discusses her sex toy purchases), it has been a hard transition to make.

I envy people for whom there is no difficulty getting pregnant because I suspect that they worry less, they know less, and enjoy things a little more. My worry is not helped by the fact that I have a strangely (but not dangerously) placed placenta, thus have been informed that I will not have much feeling/sensation until reatively late in the game (ie, when the kiddo is so big that strangers on the street notice movement).

At any rate, I am begining to relax a little and trying to see things as okay. I am really thrilled about the baby, and as we reach the half way mark things do look more and more ok.

WAITING...

We went to the doctor today, thinking we were having an ultrasound, and excited about the prospect of finding out the gender of our Button. We were disappointed to learn that we were not having a full ultrasound, but rather just a test to hear the heartbeat. R got to hear it, but it was uneventful for me, as I established in an earlier post that I do not hear well. I missed it entirely. Needless to say, I was especially disappointed.

We did have a good time chatting it up with our doctor about... sex toys. It was so random and funny. She was telling us about all the ones she'd seen on the internet as she was shopping for her own collection. It was a pretty damn interesting conversation! She is a riot.

Our next appointment -- the detailed ultrasound -- is in three weeks from now. At least then we'll actually get to learn the gender for sure and see everything well. We're both dying to know and R's mom is especially eager, as she's wanting to go shopping.

I don't much care one way or another if it's a boy or a girl. I'm just happy to have Button and hopefully s/he will be healthy. However, if it is a girl, I will be excited because there's a certain dress I've had my eye on! Ha.

JU'S GOOD NEWS

Okay, this isn't exactly "baby news" -- but after you read it, you'll see why I'm choosing to comment here. On Monday, I had to go to the ear/nose/throat doctor because I have an ear infection in my "deaf ear". While I was there, I discussed my hearing difficulties with the doctor and he ordered up some tests, which they did right then. I failed miserably, as I've never been able to hear anything in my right ear. But then the doctor attached this one object behind my ear, placed the headphones on, and tried a couple of the tests again. For the first time ever, I heard sounds in my ear!!! I got the words in the speaking test all wrong, mistaking "felt" for "silk" and "street" for "meat", etc, but the point is that I could hear! The end result is this: according to the doctor, I'm a great candidate for a hearing aid. This is totally thrilling to me, especially now that hearing aids are so discreet, sitting right down inside the ear canal. I called my mom to share the joy and she told me to get the best one and she'd pay, which is unheard of. Anyway, this is a relief in so many ways because I've been worried about my ability to hear the baby crying and such once s/he comes along. R and I have been around babies that were crying from another room and while everyone could hear it, I could not. It's terribly frustrating and worrisome, but maybe now I won't have to worry so much!

MORE!

Today was our 13-week exam with the sonographer at our OBGYN's office. She did some initial testing for Down's Syndrome, which looked completely normal, thank heavens. R also had to have some bloodwork done, which will further test for DS, as well as some chromosomal disorders.

Button's heartbeat sounded really strong at 155 beats and s/he waved at us through the monitor. We inquired about finding out the sex of the baby. Linda, the sonographer, said it was rare to see anything at 13 weeks and even if she did, she wouldn't call it because she wouldn't want to risk being wrong. For now, I'll go on record to say that I think Button is a girl.

This first image is a profile (3/4 view) of Button. I've labeled it, so hopefully it's clear about what's what.

NEW PHOTOS!

As promised, these are our latest ultrasound photos. They’re not as good as the others we’ve had, but this round was done more as a favor to us and wasn’t a scheduled ultrasound. We’ll be having another much better set done when we go next week, on the 19th. At any rate, enjoy!

OUR LATEST

We're out of town, in SC (for more about that, check my blog at Ju. 2007) so we haven't had much of a chance to update the blog.

We went to the doctor on Friday for the 12-week exam -- weigh-in, urine sample, etc. The doctor did an external ultrasound and we got to see the baby moving all around. It was amazing! S/he was practically doing flips and we saw fingers. With all of the stress I've been under, seeing this pushed me over the edge and I bawled my eyes out. Anyway, we got some new ultrasound photos, which I will scan and share when we return home.

WHAT'S UP?

What's up with the lack of comments these days??? Show us some love! We miss ya.

A to Z and other news

Today R and I got this A-to-Z alphabet bedding. It is too cute. Each block is done with such detail and the back and binding are done in green gingham, which is just adorable. I especially like the "Q (is for) Quilt", "X (is for) X-ray", and "V (is for) Violin" blocks. I had originally hoped to do a music room and while it's now out of the question, would it be silly to play the "V is for Violin" card? I think it might be a good way to combine the A-to-Z stuff with music, especially since we own a small child's violin. (R gave it to me for Christmas, in anticipation of one day teaching our baby to play.)

More photos:




The last photo shows the child's violin that R gave to me compared to my size-7 sandal. It's so tiny, but plays well. It's hard to imagine the tiny little hands that will one day hold it.

In other news, R is now 1/4 of the way through her pregnancy!

JUST A QUICKIE

Never fear -- we haven't abandoned the blog. My mom has been in the hospital and has not been doing so well, so I've been tending to her. Needless to say, I am worn slap out. I guess all of the attention I've been focusing on her is good practice for when Button arrives. Just trying to look at the bright side, as with mom there hasn't really been a bright side.

R just finished up the school year. Her last day with kids was this past Thursday and she's had teacher in-service days ever since. Her official last day was yesterday. She's so excited.

On the Button front, things are moving right along. R hasn't had as much true morning sickness, but complains of being consistently nauseous. She seems to manage it well by eating small meals often. R hasn't gained any weight yet, but she is definitely showing, even this early. I think it's mostly because her boobs have gotten bigger/heavier and her posture has changed. Therefore, that belly juts right out. It's really cute, actually and I think she looks wonderful.

2nd ULTRASOUND

Today we had a second ultrasound, two weeks after the last one. The difference is astounding and we were totally amazed. Button now has little arms and legs and his/her heartbeat was really strong. Totally thrilling!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY

What great taste Button has! S/he got both of us Mother's Day presents that we love!

For Ju: a delicate silver and pearl “pea in a pod” pendant on a delicate silver chain. Ju loves it!

For R: a beautiful blue topaz pendant and necklace. This is special because Button’s birthstone is blue topaz!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all of you out there!!! We're all mothers in some way or another, whether we have children or not. Time to celebrate it!

I BROKE THE NEWS

I've been out of town on business, again. In fact, I'm still here, but will be returning home later this afternoon. I can't wait to see my wife!

We've been staying at Henderson Village in Perry, GA (http://www.hendersonvillage.com). The last time I was here, R had miscarried two hours before I had to leave and there was no way to get out of going. It was horrible. So, of course, the whole time I was miserable, worried, sad, nervous, etc. And I couldn't really talk to anyone because my Fundamentalist boss and her sidekick didn't even know I was gay, married, or working on starting a family. It was a very uncomfortable situation and not something I wanted to revisit.

But, here I am, again. And they put me in the same damn room (Tenant Cottage #10), so I've been thinking a lot about the last time I was here. It's been sad.

Being here hasn't been all bad, though. I talked to my Fundamentalist-Southern-Georgia boss to tell her about our baby. It wasn't bad at all. In fact, she was really happy and seemed excited and had a lot of nice things to say. She also was more than happy to agree to let me take a week off for vacation in June, since we won't have any opportunities to do so for a very long time. (my July is already spoken for b/c of work obligations and R starts back to school in August, so June it is!)

MEAN GIRL

It is unfortunate, but being pregnant makes me very, very mean. I really hate this about me, but it is just true. I don't know if it is being pregnant that does it, or if it is just the constant worry that something is wrong with the baby. I am tired, grouchy and a bad, bad wife.

A STEAL

We hadn't planned on buying any baby furniture right now, as we are still early in the pregnancy. However, we found a deal today too good to pass up on -- one of those situations where we knew if we didn't take advantage, we'd be kicking ourselves later on.

R's parents live in a neighborhood that hosts a neighborhood-wide yard sale once or twice a year. We, along with R's parents, rode around and went house to house to check out all of the good deals. We got a new chandelier (sp?), a coffe table, an end table... but best of all, a crib! And it's not just any crib -- it's a $1600 'Million Dollar Baby' baby crib. But we didn't pay anything close to that. We got it for, get this, $100 and it is in *perfect* condition. What a steal!

1st TOY

In celebration of our ultrasound on Monday, I bought this lovely teddy bear for Button (our in-utero nickname). It's so sweet and is made of all natural materials and dyes. I can't wait to see it put to use one day!

BABY'S FIRST PHOTOS

We managed to see our doctor a day early (concerned b/c of R's fall - see previous post) and had our ultrasound. The photos look like dots on a page, but we got to see and hear the heartbeat. It was amazing! Our doctor is so excited and everyone was making a big deal of everything and wanted to see our first photos. The nurse just kept looking at them, like she couldn't even believe we are finally here. Honestly, it seems a bit unreal to us, too.


The baby looks like a pea in a black hole -- attached to the left -- see it?


This is a 3-d view. Up in the v-shape part, there are two ball-shaped spots. The one toward the top that has sort of a left-facing L-shape is baby. The ball underneath is the yolk sac!

R's BAD FALL

We have an intake vent for the heating/air in our hallway floor. It's large -- easily big enough for me and R to fit in together with some room to spare. Today, as we were cleaning, R removed the cover so she could swap out the filters, only we didn't have any new ones and she needed to measure for size. She went to the laundry room to retrieve the tape measure and while she was in there, she grabbed the load of clean laundry from the dryer to carry it to the bedroom in the back of the house. As she was walking back down the hall without the tape measure, she'd forgotten about the floor, and fell in about four feet down. I was outside and didn't see it happen, but I heard her screaming for my help from inside. When I came in, she was trying to pull herself out, hanging down into this hole, and the very heavy vent cover had toppled over on top of her head. When I saw her, I was scared to death. We managed to get her out of there and I replaced the cover before I fell in, too (which is totally something I'd do, being the clumsy person I am). R went to rinse off in the shower, as her leg was all torn up and bleeding and sore. I put a call into the doctors because I was worried about the fall and wanted to know what, if anything, we should do and what we should look out for. Dr. L (the other doctor in the practice) called us back and assured me that R would most likely be okay. He said to give her ibuprofen, make sure she kept her leg propped up, and to put ice on it. And he said to look out for any vaginal bleeding, which (knock wood) R hasn't had. She's been taking it easy and she pretty messed up. Her upper leg looks like hamburger meat, her arm is banged up and bruised, and she's complaining of a sore and swollen ankle. We're both taking tomorrow off and we'll get her leg and ankle checked out. Hopefully, we can go ahead and have our ultrasound with Dr. A one day early. I've been joking with R all day, saying how she'd go to extremes to get out of doing housework -- haha! Seriously, though, the whole event was scary and I'm praying that this mishap doesn't cause any setback for us. Wish us luck.

THE LONGEST WAIT

I know everyone complains about the wait to find out if you are pregnant. I, too, am not a huge fan of the two week wait either. However, I think the wait for the first ultrasound has been the most hellish thing we have been through.

We go on Tuesday and it just can't get here fast enough. My greatest fear is that the ultrasound will show that the baby is not okay or not alive. I really cannot think of anything that could be worse.

I have become a complete freak about the baby. I think the main reason is that we have been so conditioned to hear bad news, that it has become harder to hear good news. When we get good news we feel relieved for oh, 15 minutes and then the worry comes back.

I am jealous of the other pregnant women I know who seem just fine about the whole thing. A woman I work with declined her teaching contract for the following year as soon as she found out she was pregnant. I wanted to scream "Don't do that! You don't know what will happen!" I think my problem is that I know exactly what can and has happened.

The other piece of this is that my mother has a mitochondrial DNA defect, which means that I carry the same defect. This does not mean that I will get sick like my mom, but there is really no way to tell. It also means that my child will also carry the defect.

So far, most of the people in my family who have gotten sick have been adults (in their 50s) and their illnesses are frustrating and debilitating, not deadly. I don't think I will get sick b/c I lack any of the early symptoms/traits that indicate I would be likely to become ill.

That said, my health does not give any indication of what will happen to my child. The range of possible outcomes runs from the very minor to the very serious (ie, child dies a painful death within months of birth). For obvious reasons, we will have every possible medical test (fun summer for me!) and we might have to make some very serious/unpleasant choices, even if the pregnancy is viable.

My mom has been sick for a long time, but we have not known what was wrong with her until a few weeks ago. We found out right before the IUI and we had to make a choice about if we were going to move forward or put the breaks on. We decided that we should move forward based on the good health of most all of my maternal relatives, primarily the health of my younger relatives (ie, cousins and siblings).

Out of my huge family, only one person has been born with any birth defects. No one knew what was wrong and a botched procedure/treatment made things worse, as he suffered brain damage during surgery. It has made his life very difficult. Fortunately, we would know what was wrong and more than likely, he/she would have proper treatment and would have had a pretty normal life. We are pretty much just trying to get through this and just see what happens.

3,158!

I'm sure R will have more to say later, so I'll leave you with this for now:

R's quant today came back at 3,158 (that's three-thousand-one-hundred-fifty-eight)!!! Thursday 04/19 was nearly 600 and just five days later, we're over 3,000. It's amazing! And totally thrilling. And a million other things. Needless to say, I am thrilled.

I was in the middle of teaching a class here in Tifton (out of town, again, dammit) when the good news came in -- I could hardly contain myself. I had this huge smile on my face and I could tell that people were wondering what was up. Teehee!

FREAKED OUT

Ju leaves for a work trip tomorrow (she won't be back until Wednesday!) and I am completely freaked out by this. Monday night about 4 AM will mark the exact same time in the last pregnancy that we miscarried and I am worried.

Am I sick enough? Is the baby okay or is the progestrone just keeping it in place until my doctor tells me to stop taking it? These are the questions I keep asking. I am just a mess and nothing really makes me feel better. I have become obsessed with taking pregnancy tests, just to make sure that it still is positive/as positive as it was a few days before.

We want this to work more than anything. We are just terrified that we will lose this baby, too. By my calculations, I have been pregnant five times in the last 13 months. I know that this makes no difference, but I can't help but feel like it is just our turn. We have been through the hell of all of this, and damn it, can't it just work out just this once???!!!

The thing that I try to remember is that we have no reason to believe that it is not working. Even if we tank tomorrow we have beaten the odds in so many ways. We have our sanity (mostly) intact and a relationship that is doing well under the most insane of circumstances.

LET'S HOPE SHE'S WRONG

Tonight, R and I ate dinner with some friends. One of these two friends claims to have some psychic powers. Who knows if it's true, but tonight she informed us of a few visions she'd had.

First, she said when she saw R early last week, that there were three colored swirls emitting from R's body. She says they were spirits and informed us that we'd be having triplets -- two girls, one boy. And she said the boy would be ill or have something wrong with him.

Err, thanks...?

THURSDAY'S QUANT

We got the results from quant #3 today. We're at nearly 600! So, that's up from 28 on Friday to 158 on Monday to nearly 600 on Thursday. We're feeling good, for now, and our doctor is very excited. Maybe we'll get some sleep tonight...

A TINY BIT RELIEVED... FOR NOW ANYWAYS

Neither of us could sleep very well last night for the reasons I cited in my last post. But then Rachel popped up out of bed to throw up! This is good, right? She seemed to have gone from "feeling nothing" to obviously feeling something. And while she was in the bathroom, she did another pregnancy test, which was ragingly positive. I know, it might seem silly that we'd do another test, but with the progesterone she takes, there's always that chance that the pregnancy has tanked and we don't know it. So, a test helped to give us some temporary relief. We're going to the doctor tomorrow for an extra quant test, which we requested. We're hoping the numbers look good so we can just relax for another week until the ultrasound. At least for now we feel a little better. It doesn't get much better than vomit! (who ever thought?)

ON PINS AND NEEDLES

R and I are both a mess, on pins and needles, and weary with anxiousness/nervousness. The thought of waiting two weeks for an ultrasound is too much to handle. Plus, R is on a progesterone supplement, so if things do go wrong, her body won't react naturally and expel what it needs to. (progesterone will prevent a period) So, we're freaking out, thinking something could go wrong (or has gone wrong) and that we wouldn't/don't know it because of the supplementation.

So, I put in a call to the doctor's office. I requested an additional quant test for R and scheduled it for Thursday morning. I'm personally worried that it's not early enough, as R was complaining this afternoon on the phone about "feeling funny" (in this case, 'funny' meaning that she doesn't feel like anything. To quote her, "I just feel like me with bigger boobs"). But, then again, if things do tank, there's nothing the doctor's office can do anyways. So, we wait.

The nurse said she was going to talk to the doctor, so I'm sure if it's anything to fret over, the doctor will have us come in right away. At any rate, I'm glad we'll be testing on Thursday, although I don't know if we can last even that long.

I've been so worried that I wake up during the night about every 30 minutes, maybe even more often than that. The last time R miscarried, it was in the middle of the night. She'd gotten up to pee and I heard a scream from the bathroom. It's like a broken record, playing over and over in my head. So, now I can't really sleep because I'm just listening (not purposely) for anything bad. Every time R gets up to pee, my stomach drops to the floor. It's awful.

I only wish we could skip ahead the next few weeks and be done with it. This is supposed to be an exciting time for us and it's not. It sucks.

WOO-HOO!

Great news -- we got the results of today's follow-up hCG test. R's levels have skyrocketed -- from 28 on Friday to 158 today! We are so relieved and excited! Dr. A wants to see us in two weeks, on May 1st, for an exam and ultrasound. For now, things look great. However, we know we have a ways to go before we're "in the clear". But, woo-hoo -- we're thrilled!

One more thing -- our calculated due date is December 25th, Christmas Day!

SEEING DOUBLE

I don't know if it's a sign or what, but...

Last night, R and I were eating at a restaurant outside on the deck. During the course of an hour, about five different families, all with twins, sat down to eat. They weren't together, either; it was just random. Then, just before we were leaving, a family with identical triplets showed up. I swear, neither of us had ever seen that many multiples, ever. After dinner, we headed back to our side of town to stroll the bookstore together. As we walked up the sidewalk to go into the store, we saw more twins! It was just comical. Then, this morning, R was making breakfast. She cracked open several eggs and each egg had a double-yolk (twins!).

What should we make of that?!

THE CRAZIEST THING

The craziest thing has happened. Read on.

I've been out of town for three days on business (finally got home today). Last night, after talking to R on the phone for a while, my cell phone battery started beeping to let me know it was nearly out of power. I didn't have my charger so I turned my phone off.

Well, this morning, I was sitting at breakfast with my co-workers and someone from the camp (we were staying at a 4-H camp in the middle of nowhere) came up and said I had a phone call. I didn't know what to expect. As it turns out, it was R calling to give me some interesting news and to freak out a little. She'd been trying to reach me on my cell all morning, but couldn't reach me.

The news? R decided when she woke this morning to do a pregnancy test, 4 days early. As soon as the test absorbed her urine, it turned unmistakably *positive*! She called the doctor's office and made an appointment to have bloodwork done right away.

Anyway, she went to the doctor this morning and everyone was so excited. I got home late this afternoon and we got a call with results from the quant test. R was at a level of 28, which the nurse was disappointed about, but it's the best results we've ever had and it's four days early. So, I'm thinking that's not so bad. Plus, the fact that her pregnancy test turned positive immediately says something to me. Whenever we've had a positive before, we've had to wait several minutes to get it and we've never gotten early results before.

R has to go back in for another quant test on Monday morning and we're hoping the results are what we need to see. All this waiting constantly is just driving us insane. If it's bad and won't work out, we want to know so we can deal with it. We've had some bad experiences and the truth is that even if we get the results we need, we still have weeks and weeks ahead before we'll be considered in-the-clear. But, as R says, this is the step we have to take to get there, so we'll just be happy for now with the results we have.

Please keep us in your thoughts/prayers/wishes, etc...

ALMOST DONE

I have four more days to wait. I usually have some clue about what the answer is by now, but this round is a complete mystery to me. I will just be happy to have and answer (we'll know on Tuesday). I feel both a little pregnant and a little pms-y. It is any one's guess! My day 21 progesterone was only a 11.4 and both my doctors decided not to supplement. Humm well see...
I am still a little hopeful.

WAITING

So, we did the dual insem on Monday and Tuesday. It was very uneventful. We used predictor kits this time, and my body surged before the scheduled HCG injection, so I didn't have to have even one little shot!!! The injection is hanging out in our fridge.

My doctor told me on Tuesday that she had been up since 2:30 in the morning thinking about our case. I asked her if she came to any conclusions. She told me that she hadn't, but that she had been reviewing every detail of our history, thinking about what, if anything, could be different. It makes me feel so much better to know that she really cares about us and what happens to us. The compassion that the doctor and her staff have shown us has been incredible...even when I am a very difficult patient.

MAYBE BABY??

We have not said anything because, well, we just haven't... but we are trying again and things look good so far. We are doing another (god help us) IUI cycle with the mother-load of drugs (not injectables).

We had our ultrasound today and there are five, count em', five egg follicles! Two on one side are small, but the other side has three very good-looking follicles. My doctor pointed out that one of the follicles had a large and visible cell mass within it, which surround the actual egg. It was very cool to see on the ultrasound. Plus, my very sweet doctor told me that when she finally got pregnant with her first child, after much fertility hell and at least one miscarriage, it was when she had one of these same visible eggs. Additionally, the endometrial lining was really good (9 mm on day 11!! and we still have two days of estrogen support/supplementation to go).

We are pretty excited, but we are also very aware of the realities of our situation. We have decided to go through with this cycle, and if necessary, one more after that before we re-evaluate the IVF and/or adoption option. Both of our doctors really pushed for us to continue the IUI cycles in the hope that we would hit the jackpot and avoid all the IVF fun/expense.

The risk is, of course, another miscarriage. My doctor has made it pretty clear that if we do get pregnant again that they will be watching me very, very closely. I suspect that if there is anyway for her to help support the pregnancy, she will do it. The only thing that makes me feel better about all of this is the fact that we have obsessively followed EVERY one of my doctor's orders and suggestions.

But, yeah, we have five follicles!!! Woo-hoo!

THE NERVE!

Okay, just now I was walking up the hall of my building, headed towards the bathroom. My boss' daughter-in-law works in my building and knows that R and I were/are trying to have a kid, although I don't recall ever telling her myself.

So, anyway, she stops me in the hall:

Rachel: "You and R are trying to have a kid, right?"
Me: "We've been on a break, but yes..."
Rachel: "Well, let me show you what you have to look forward to! (points at a stain on her jacket) Charles got snot all over my jacket this morning!"

Then, for some random reason, she started telling me all about her labor and delivery. It was gross. I kept trying to get away, but she wouldn't shut up. Then:

Rachel: "I know y'all have had some miscarriages... my mom was an alcoholic and drug addict... and she had, like, 9 miscarriages before she carried full-term with me... not to discourage you or anything..."

What the fuck?! Clearly, her mom had a drug problem, which may or may not have contributed to all of her miscarriages. But where is the connection to me and R? We don't do drugs, we don't drink, we don't smoke, etc. Was she equating gay-ness with drug addiction?

Oh, wait. It gets worse.

Rachel: "Well, I haven't had a miscarriage, but I've had some abortions, and it's the same thing..."

Oh, no she didn't! I think all those drugs her mom did must have fried her brain in-utero. The nerve of some people!

A LONG (BUT IMPORTANT TO JU) POST

As I've mentioned before, I have a few health issues but no certain diagnosis. I've been shuffled from one doctor/specialist to another, only to have made no progress. One person says I have raging PCOS, another says I have an adrenal dysfunction. Certainly, my hormone levels indicate that it could truly go both ways. Some of the side effects: excessive weight gain (ie, nearly 100 lbs. in less than six months time), thinning hair, etc. It's been a nightmare.

That's why I was so excited about going to see the same specialist R sees for IVF stuff. When I went with R to her first appointment, Dr. S talked to me briefly about my issues (only after he asked why I wasn't "trying-to-conceive" myself) and was very encouraging, recommending that I come see him for a diagnosis and a treatment plan. He'd been so extremely nice, sensitive, kind, etc. with us regarding all the pregnancy stuff, IUI, IVF, etc., that I felt good about going to see him for myself. I made an appointment and waited eagerly for a couple of weeks to see him.

So, the other day (Wed. 03/14) R and I went to see Dr. S (she had an appointment, too). We scheduled our appointments for the same day because he's an hour away from us and this way, we could just knock it all out at once. Well, R's appointment was first and with the nurse. We met with her and went over all kinds of stuff. Then, it was time for my appointment with Dr. S.

Now, when I made my appointment, the office manager sent over all the patient registration forms via email. I filled them all out, listing R as my "person" (for HIPAA reasons), just as R had done with me on her forms. When we actually showed up for the appointment, the nurse had me and R sign those forms and date them. Then, she weighed me, took my blood pressure, etc. I hate to wait a few minutes before I could begin the consult portion of my appointment with Dr. S, but when I was finally called back, I was told R could not come in with me. Supposedly, it had something to do with HIPAA stuff, but it was obvious to us later that Dr. S simply didn't want anyone in the room that could give input or advocate for me. My consult with him was horrible.

Dr. S reviewed my charts and even to an untrained eye, it is clear that I have a medical problem. Despite all the evidence, he wanted to turn it into a weight issue and obsess about that. He was not kind or senstive at all; in fact, he was an asshole about it all. To make matters worse, he couldn't make up his mind about what to recommend. First, he said I needed to eat more (as it is, I generally consume between 800 and 1,000 calories a day, which ain't much). Then he later said I should have gastric bypass surgery. So, which is it? Should I eat more, or have my stomach cut in half? Talk about contradiction.

As far as some of my symptoms go, his approach was not to treat them. ie, for facial hair, he suggested laser treament to remove it. Okay, so that might work, but it would be costly and wouldn't solve the problem. I'd still be a mess inside. This was just one instance of many of rediculous suggestions he had.

Dr. S seemed shocked to learn that my blood pressure is low and my cholesterol looks, as he said, "outta site!". My "bad" cholesteral is low, while my "good" cholesterol is really high. I don't know; it's like he thinks I'm simply a fat-ass and was expecting to see test results that reflect me taking poor care of myself. This wasn't the case. Ha!

Did I mention I had a cold when I went to see him? I was coughing, sneezing, and blowing my nose all over the place. R and I had stopped to fill my car with gas on our way to the appointment. When I'm sick, the only thing I care to drink is ginger ale. So, I got some in the convenience store. They didn't have diet ginger ale available. In fact, they only had one kind at all, so that's what I bought. Well, when Dr. S saw it, he said, "First of all, what are you doing with that crap?! You don't need the sugar... you need to throw that shit in the garbage..." and then proceeded to chew me out. I'm sitting there, like, dude, I'm sick with a cold!

Well, Dr. S did order some more blood work and tests. This, to me, suggests that he does think something is wrong. I mean, if you were convinced nothing was wrong, why would you bother to do a bunch of stuff that you clearly don't want to deal with? The fact that his answers throughout my consult were all-over-the-place clearly translates into: he doesn't know what's wrong, either, and doesn't want to admit it. Asshole.

Coincidentally and magically, at the very end of my consult, they finally let R come back into the room. He was, again, so nice to her. But then, he'd turn to me and say something so snappy and awful. R and I looked at each other like, what the fuck?! It was like Jekyll and Hyde or something, like she and I were talking to two different sides of the same person in front of us. I had to do a physical exam, which they also let R sit in on. Why would they let her do that and not be there for the consult? Like I said, I really think it was so he could blast me without having her there to express any thoughts/opinions. (anyone who knows R can vouch that she's not afraid to speak up when something is wrong)

Oh, one thing I forgot --
I said to Dr. S that at some point, I'd like to "try" myself, but before I could elaborate to say that my health was my first priority and I wanted to wait until I had that under control, he cut me off mid-sentence. He was like, "...you'd have to lose a ton of weight before I'd even think of letting you try..." Well, if this is the case, then why was he pressuring me the last time we were in his office to try myself? Obviously, he knew then I was overweight; he could see it and I didn't look any different for either appointment. Again, it just didn't add up.

Well, he wants me to try some "special diet". That's okay with me; I'm open to trying things. My plan is to document the hell out of it, which shouldn't be hard for me because I'm kind of obsessive about writing stuff down anyways. Hopefully, his suggestion will produce some results, but if it doesn't, at least I will have the documention to say, "you were wrong."

R was really pissed with the way I was treated. And I, obviously, am pissed. In fact, I've been stewing for days on end. The way he treated me was totally uncalled for and very unprofessional. I wondered why he'd been so nice to R and not me. As she explained it, he has a very expensive product to sell her -- ie, an IVF that costs thousands upon thousands of dollars. It's clear he thinks she'll boost his success rates. But with me, he doesn't have a product to sell and I could be a riskier candidate for pregnancy, therefore lowering his success rates.

It's always about business, isn't it? But if that's the case, why he ask me to come see him in the first place?! Ooooh, I'm so bloody mad! What do you guys think?

IVF AND STUFF

After our visit to the IVF clinic yesterday, I have to say that I am not sure I can do this. It is just a lot of cash, a lot of shots, and a lot of hell to go through for a 60% chance of having a baby. I would love to have a baby, but I just don't think I can risk that kind of cash for something that has a 40% chance of tanking.

We did find out that we have a chance of getting back into the study. I know, I know... you are sitting there wondering what the heck is going on with this study... we are, too. I was told that the clinic has enough leftover drugs to accomodate about 5-10 more study participants. For now, though, they are waiting for the head doctor to decide if he/she wants to add more people to the study or just return the drugs to the company that provided them for the study. The nurse who handles the studies said she had my file on her desk (along with the other 4 waiting patients) and that she asks at least once a week about the possibility of adding us to the study. She told us that he just keeps saying "not yet"... whatever that means. We will just have to wait and see, but I am not getting my hopes up.

I am hopeful that the next round of IUI will do the trick (our drug protocol is different this time). We are gathering adoption information and trying to sort out what is the best answer for us. If anybody has adoption connections that we should look into, please pass them along.

OTTO

So, as you can see we just couldn't stand it any longer. We broke down and got another dog in the place of the pesky and illusive baby. We really needed something fun to happen and.... well Otto is fun, and a total cuddle-monster. I have joked that there must be something wrong with him b/c he is so calm.

I am on a school break which is making me very happy!!! I really needed the break. We are gearing up for the next try and we will start the new drugs around/on the 20th, and I am hopeful. What can I say; Spring has that affect on me. Maybe we will win the chromosomal lotto? You never can tell what will happen.

In other funky news, the house next to our best couple friends has been foreclosed on and will be on the market soon. It is far from a sure thing, but it would be fabulous to live next to them. It is a fun thought that involves much less cooking than I currently do... hehehe. I plan to invade their gay-boy kitchen a lot if we live next door.

They have been trying to adopt from the foster care system and are about as annoyed with it as we are with fertility. It is always nice to feel like we are not alone in our long and annoying quest for a family.

Hope everybody is enjoying the early time change.

See ya!
R.

WE'RE NEW MOMMIES!

Meet our new "son", Otto:









To read more about Otto, visit Ju's other blog at Ju. 2007.

STARTING OVER

It looks like we will be doing another round of IUI, with all of the new drug combos recomended by Dr. S. I can't say that I am all that excited about it, but I am pretty sure that it is the right thing to do. I figure we will go one or two more rounds of dual IUI with the new drugs, and then regroup. I truly have no idea what we will do after this. Ju may try if our doctor can get her issues dealt with and if she looks more promising than I do. Or, we may move forward with the IVF. It is hard to know what to do. Right now I am probably happier and more physically comfortable than I have been in a year. My body is slowly returning to normal and I have started to lose some of the weight that I packed on during the hormonal highs and lows of the last year. I would not be suprised if we take a pretty big break (6 months or more) after these next two tries. I know that this sounds a little negative and maybe it is. I am hopeful that we will get lucky in the next few months, but I am also aware of our chances. We have been here a few too many times to be anything other than very realistic. I never thought I would feel this way, but it might be time to think about having a life beyond this. I don't think if we wait another six months or a year that it will really hurt our chances of getting pregnant (we will both be 31 in late summer/early fall). I would love to be a mom, but not at the cost of our relationship and my sanity. I have been spending more time with Z at school, and while there is no way to know if that will all work out or even if it should, I am very much open to the posibility. We will just have to see what the next few months hold in store.

SWITCHING ROLES?

In response to R's last post, someone asked if we'd considered switching roles and having me try. To answer that question, yes, it's been discussed, but I have issues all my own and they don't have anything to do with wanting/not wanting to try myself.

The fact is, I do want to try, at some point. It has always been part of our plan. In our perfect dream world, it would go like this: R would try, get pregnant, have a baby, etc. And then a couple of years later, I'd try, get pregnant, have a baby, etc... one big happy family. Unfortunately, it hasn't gone quite like this. So, now we're left with making decisions about what R will/can do next. And if that doesn't work, then perhaps I'll give it a go.

The problem is this: I have several hormonal issues that might prevent me from being able to carry myself. We'll know more when I visit the same IVF specialist R saw a couple of weeks ago. Dr. S is actually a Reproductive Endocrinologist and took an interest in my case, stating that he'd be interested in treating my issues and suggesting that I should make an appointment to see him. I feel good about this idea, so I made an appointment for mid-March. I'm not seeing him for fertility, but rather to just treat my hormone issues, but who knows, I might be able to get answers along the way that would settle any questions/thoughts/what-ifs about this.

So, there ya have it. I'm not opposed to trying, but I'm not sure I can, either. We just want to figure it out and at this point, we'd be happy if either one of us could make it happen.

YUCK!!!

Aaargh! We did not get into the IVF study -- the one that would have paid a large chunk of the genetic testing costs. All the slots got filled and we were the very first people they rejected -- just our luck these days. The nurse said if we'd gotten our names submitted even eight hours earlier, we would have gotten in. Why'd she have to tell us that?! I cried, a lot... I mean, A LOT. It has been very distressing, and there is a very big part of me that just wonders if we are not meant to ever have this happen for us. Additionally, I am MAD. We have worked so hard and for so long and have never caught much of anything even resembling a break.

I know I am whining, but seeing as I just do not have the cash to make this happen, I am left with very few options and whining looks pretty good all-in-all. The other half of this is that while in the grand scheme of things I realize that 20,000-25,000 bucks is not that much really... it could buy you a new Honda?... but the idea of spending what to us is a very large chunk of change is scary, particularly when we may have to finance a good deal of it (did I mention that I teach public school for a living? and Ju works for the university, which is notorious for their low-paying salaries).

While we may be able to beg, borrow, and steal the cash, we are then faced with the super-scary prospect of putting our lives back together if this does not happen for us. I have no idea what the right thing to do is. IVF seemed much less scary at a significantly reduced price tag. I am overwhelmed by all of the possible scenarios and additional awful things that could happen to us.

Both of our doctors have recommended that we go on and do a couple more rounds of dual-IUI with the hefty 150 milligrams of Clomid, additional estrogen support, the anti-neural tube defect drugs, progesterone support, 1500 milligrams of metformin and dexamethazone (steroid). The hope is that we will win the chromosomal lottery and produce an egg or two that are healthy and capable of survival, that this egg gets fertilized, and all the stuff that is supposed to happen happens. This is significantly less costly than IVF, but runs a pretty high risk of additional miscarriage.

We have been having some very frank discussions about what we think the state of my metal health would be if we lost another two or three pregnancies. This is a question that I don't know the answer to. I know that I am likely to get pregnant with this grouping of drugs and a dual-IUI (as I have gotten two times that can be documented out of the last three tries, but I suspect it actually happened all three times). The question, as always, is: can we hold on to the pregnancy? I used to worry so much about getting pregnant; now I pretty much expect to get pregnant, just worry about staying pregnant.

IVF AND OTHER STUFF

I haven't blogged in a while because I have just been way too upset to deal with it. It has been a hell of a month and I am glad things seem to be getting better.

After meeting with the IVF doctor (Dr. S), it seems that we are planning our first (and hopefully only) IVF cycle for June. Dr. S was great and he told us that based on all of the information he had, it was likely that I have some issues with producing eggs that are genetically normal, and so when they are fertilized, they are not able to survive.

Dr. S said that I have both of the genetic markers for neural tube defects (ie, spina bifida) and that I will need to take some additional meds to prevent our child being born with this. Apparantly, the medication is simple: just a very high dose of folic acid combined with B-series vitamins.

He recommended that we do a combination pack of IVF with genetic testing on the embryos to decide which to implant. He says this will give me a much higher rate of pregnancy of at least 60%! Seeing as how we were working with a success rate of less than 10% before, 60% is amazing and we feel really good about it.

The clinic Dr. S runs has an outrageous success rate and our doctor here in town seems to think this guy is a god. And, so far, to us he is! He was kind, funny, and took an enormous amount of time with us (about two hours) to go over everything you can imagine. He talked about all of the possible reasons that we lost the previous pregnancies and never once did he term it in anything other than "this is a medical problem" terms. After having been told that it was "just bad luck" by the staff at my local doctor's office, it was a relief to not have him say that. When someone starts talking about "luck", frankly, it just makes me feel like it is my fault. But when someone talks about screwed up chromosomes, I know I can't change that with my thoughts, behavior, stress level, etc.

Dr. S is trying to get us in a study that looks at the impact of genetic testing of embryos on the pregnancy rates of younger women. We will find out if we get into the study early next week. The really great part about the study is that it will pay for about $10,000 worth of the medical cost of all of this. (Did I mention that insurance pays nothing?!) We are really hopeful that this will be the answer that we are looking for.

I am still intrested in having us get to know Z for all sorts of reasons. The reality is that even the most amazing amount of medical intervention may leave us without a child in our house. I want us to continue to look at what it would mean for us to adopt and if that happens with Z it would be great, but if it doesn't, then I think all three of us would benefit from the experience of getting to know each other.

Z is not expecting to be adopted and because I am already a part of her life, I doubt she would think it was that odd for us to see each other. Foster kids have an enormous number of adults that they have interaction with that a kid in a traditional family would not have, so having us "mentor" her (i.e. hang out together) would not be so very strange. At least I don't think so. (?) Feel free to weigh in.

IVF SPECIALIST

Since both R and I have off on Thursday, R decided to check and see if the IVF specialist had any cancellations/openings that day so we could go for the appointment early. As it turns out, the receptionist had *just* hung up with the person who was cancelling the appointment we needed, so she was able to work us in right away. We're quite eager to have answers, so this is a great thing to be able to go when we have time do it and not have to wait another month, which is when we were originally scheduled.

Updates coming soon.

OFF TOPIC -- YOUR FAVORITE BLOGGING TOOL?

Which blog service is your favorite and why? I'm especially interested to hear from you folks out there who have switched from Blogger to WordPress. Was the transition smooth and are you pleased with the switch? etc, etc, etc...

SO MUCH GOING ON

R and I have been doing a lot of talking about what we're doing in this TTC process, what we want, what we need, our fears, etc. We've talked a lot about Z, the little girl who is coming up for adoption, and how we each feel about that.

No decisions are being made right now and the fact is, being able to actually adopt her anyway is a long shot. But we'll take some time to think it over, to mull over our concerns, and to come up with answers that feel right to us. In the meantime, we've pretty much decided to pursue the classes we need to take to be certified as foster/foster-to-adopt parents. That way, if we do decide at some point to pursue Z, or some other kid, we'll have our certifications completed. It can't hurt, right? At the very least, we could have Z spend the night one night, or just take her out for a few afternoons. That way, I could get to know her a bit because I think part of my struggle is that I just don't know her. It might be nice to be a sort of mentor anyways.

I still have many of the same concerns I aired before, but the one thing I am sure of that keeps me from saying 'no' is this: all kids deserve love. All kids deserve to have a decent home. We'd potentially have the chance to give a little girl everything she'd otherwise not have and she deserves that. So, that's where I am right now.

As far as another "try" with IUI goes, we're considering it some time from now. Our doctor actually wants to do another round before we see the IVF specialist for our consult. We don't know if we'll take her up on it, but it gives me some glimmer of hope. Dr. A knows what we've been through and she knows how upset we've been. I can't imagine that she'd ask us to try again if she didn't really think we stood a chance. She knows we have the appointment with the IVF guy. If she thought she couldn't do anything more for us, I think she'd just give us her blessing to move onto to the next step. But, she hasn't done that, so... I have to believe. It's scary as hell, though.

R talked to the nurse/insem coordinator the other day to see if her second round of tests came in. I can't recall if they had or not, but the nurse did say that Dr. A wants R to go ahead and start taking extra folic acid (in addition to the prenatals she already takes), baby aspirin, and at some point, progesterone. This was in response to a conversation that R had with them (I don't recall the details) and it has become obvious to us that Dr. A is really listening to us.

So, we have a lot going on and a lot to figure out. It's confusing as hell, but I am so glad I have R to figure this out with.

Z

R called me this morning to inform me that she'd just found out some kids at her school were about to be up for adoption. She's known these kids for a while, as they have somehow managed to follow her path as she's taught at three different schools. Each school she moves to, they're there. Anyway, it's a sibling group - three kids (two boys, one girl). They're African-American, have a very loooooooooong history of being abused/neglected/etc., and the youngest is five years old. R says they're great kids and very sweet, but I don't know them outside of the few wretched stories I've heard about their family.

It looks as if the sibling group will be split up. Child care services is trying to adopt the boys out as a pair and the girl out alone, unless by some miracle, some family is willing and able to take all three (which isn't us, by the way). R, at least this morning, was flipping out at the chance to adopt the little girl, Z.

The thing is this: We still have a chance at pregnancy. The doctor has a new plan for us and says things with R look promising. I hate to forfeit this and if we adopted Z, that's what we'd have to do, for now anyways. And, if I'm being honest, I'm not sure I want a five year old. I could change my mind after giving it some more thought, but right now, in this very instant, I'm having a hard time saying "yes". Plus, the fact that she's been abused and neglected - it makes me sad, but call me selfish - I'm not sure I want to take on a kid who has all that baggage.

The other thing is, and I don't want to offend anyone - I'm not sure adopting an African-American child is the best thing for us. We're already a minority family, living in the South (not the most accepting place), and I don't want to make things any harder for a child than they might already be. And I think for a child of five years old to come into our home, after being raised and fostered in black homes, it would be really hard for her. Also, I'm not African-American myself and I don't have that culture that I would want to be instilled in my child. Is this wrong to feel this way? Seriously, share your thoughts with me!

Additionally, I worry that my family wouldn't accept an African-American child the way they would if I adopted a white baby. This isn't right and in no way am I making an excuse for my family, but the reality is that my mom will be 70 years old next year. There are some generational things there that would make it very hard for her to come to grips. Quite frankly, I don't care about that as far as my mom is concerned, but it would worry me for the child. I don't want my child to feel funny or unwelcomed because he/she is black and living in a white family where they are not completely loved by everyone. It's all so confusing.

Plus, I just have issues about foster care anyway. After R's call this morning, I looked up the child care services online foster/adoption listings, hoping to read about these kids. I didn't find them there, but I was able to look at a listing of 151 children. Out of those 151 children available, the youngest not in a sibling group was eight years old. And nearly all of the children have serious behavioral and/or mental and/or learning and/or physical problems. That's a lot for anyone to take on.

The part that really gets to me, though, is that the goal of child care services is to keep these children in their biological parents' homes. It doesn't matter if little Mikey has been beaten and burned and starved for six years straight - "momma" can say "this time is different" and off Mikey goes, back home to a disaster. I can't bear the thought of getting past all of my issues, taking a child, loving them, and then having them ripped from my home. Sure, some folks will say, "But it's not about you." To that, I say screw it, because when that child leaves and goes back home, it's damaging for them, too. What good is providing a loving home, if the child is just going to be taken away in the end? Isn't that, in some way, more damaging to the child? I think so, but that's just me.

There are so many things to think about and so many questions. I want to see these kids find loving homes and certainly, we'd be loving parents, but I'm just not sure this is the right thing for us. I'm not saying no, but I'm not saying yes, either. I just need time to think, think, and then think some more. Comments, please!

SNOW DAY WITH DR. A

I had to go in today to see Dr. A to discuss the results of my latest ultrasound. She says the cyst on my ovary hasn't changed and while that isn't good, at least it hasn't gotten any bigger. She wants to see me again in eight weeks and if it's still the same then, or if it's gotten bigger, she'll do surgery. Let's hope it doesn't come to that - I have an enormous fear of being put under that isn't to be believed.

Because the schools (and the university, where I work) were closed for winter weather today, R got to go with me to my appointment. This was good because Dr. A had no choice but to address her as well. She told us that R's test results were all fine, but that she was waiting on one last thing. She said she knows we're going through a lot, but she's not ready to give up and for us to consider another try in a few months from now.

Anyway, we felt such relief to be able to talk to her in person so we didn't have to keep getting these wierd answers or to have to be postponed. I mean, anyone at anytime could have said your first tests look good, but we're still waiting on the last one, or something like that. It was driving us nuts.

We're looking forward to our appointment in March with the IVF specialist. We're not sure we need the actual IVF because we've had previous successes with R getting pregnant. But at least he'll be able to run more sophisticated tests and do the monitoring that we might need.

MORE... (AND KEEP THOSE URLs COMING!)

I had to see Dr. A today for my own issues -- specifically, a follow-up exam to see how a cyst on my left ovary is doing. The lab technician, Linda, did the exam, which was kind of nice. The last time Dr. A did it, I felt so uptight and nervous, and I think this is because I deal with her so much. It was just too wierd having someone I feel like I know fairly well (we spend a lot of time in that office!) poking and prodding me.

Anyway, the ultrasound Linda did looked bad from my perspective. I've certainly seen enough ultrasounds on screen at this point to know what to look for and when she got to my left ovary (the right one was perfect), I could see the cyst glaring at me from the screen. It looked like a huge black hole/spot on the screen. She measured it at an inch-and-a-half. That's about the size of the space measuring from my bottom knuckle (the one that connects my finger to my hand) to the second knuckle on my pointer finger -- yikes! Dr. A wasn't there to review these results with me (she had to run off to a delivery and then she also had a couple of surgeries scheduled), so I had to make an appointment to return on Thursday for some face-time with her.

I feel like it's okay to write about my stuff here because it effects my own fertility and should I ever decide to try-to-conceive instead of R, you'd be hearing about it. So...

In other news, R's test results (the extensive/obscure tests that we were not expecting the results to for several more weeks) came back today. R called me just before I left for my appointment to beg me to weasel the results out of Dr. A. And obviously, since Dr. A wasn't there, I couldn't talk to her about it. So, I think we'll be getting the results tomorrow, hopefully. Maybe we'll finally have some answers, or at least some piece of the puzzle to work from. R quoted the nurse as having said, "... Dr. A wants to go over the game plan...", so that makes us think there is something there, but then again, it might be nothing.

We got a copy of all the receipts for our medical care for the last year and I was surprised with how little we'd actually spent with the doctor's office. An amazing amount was covered by insurance and other enormous chunk was spent buying sperm. I knew that stuff was pricey, but it didn't hit me just how pricey it is until today. Sheesh!

AUTOIMMUNE ISSUES?

Somehow, in the process of updating our blog, I lost the list of links to other parenthood/trying-to-conceive blogs. I was able to recover only a handfull, so if you see that yours has gone missing from our list, that's why. If you're a reader of our blog, send us your url so I can update my list, please!

R and I realized over the weekend that our recurrent pregnancy losses might be due to some genetic autoimmune issues. You see, R's mom, who's been quite ill for years now, is the walking definition of an autoimmune disease. Not only that, it runs in R's family. To add to this, R's had both shingles and 5th disease in the last eight months - both of which are autoimmune issues. So, we decided to pursue some tests for R to help determine if this is an issue she has that is effecting her ability to carry a baby full-term.

We put in a call to Dr. A's office. As it turns out, the tests she ordered up for R last week include checking for genetic and autoimmune stuff. The tests she ran were so extensive, in fact, that the technician who drew R's blood had never heard of or seen these tests. I guess Dr. A was/is a step ahead of us.

We won't have those tests results back for several more weeks. G-d knows, I don't wish for R to have these problems, but at least we'd have some answers, if that's what it turns out to be. And with the help of an autoimmune specialist, R could be monitored and we just might be able to make it, should we decide to try again sometime. Of course, we're not ready to start back up right away, and maybe not at all. But at least we can ask questions and get some answers.

HELP!!!

This sucks so bad; I just can't tell you.

I read that the chances of having two miscarriages back to back was less than 4%. Wow, how did I get so fucking lucky? I actually suspect that I've miscarried the last three times that we tried, but only two I know for certain. If my instincts are right, then the chances of that happening are .16%... yet again, that is some amazing luck.

Short of one of my amazing doctors coming up with a plan that gives me a freaking chance, I am ready to move on to adoption. Frankly, I am not a huge fan of trying to waiting and hoping for a mother to pick us, relinquish her baby to us, and then risk her taking that baby back... so that pretty much kicks domestic adoption to the curb.

So, that leaves international adoption. I spent the day on the phone asking about the possibility of us getting a baby from somewhere far away, only to hear a plethora of news that makes a million rounds of IVF look like a lovefest.

If anyone has any ideas, agencies, experiences with this or anything that might help - please, please, please email me. (twogeorgiamommies@gmail.com or just leave a comment.) We are in hell and I really need to find a new way to find our child. I just can't give up.

BACK HOME

I'm back from Perry and just glad to be with my wife. We need each other so much right now.

R had to go in for some pretty extensive blood tests today. It might help the doctor determine what, if anything, is causing R to miscarry. We won't have any results back for another four weeks.

We've both spent the early part of this evening making all the telephone calls we needed to make to let the few folks who knew about our pregnancy know what's happened. Everyone's been really kind, but it's hard as hell to have to do this.

Thanks to everyone for your kind words. It's nice to know we have support out there.

IT SUCKS SOMETHING FIERCE

R telephoned me with an update. Dr. A read the results of the beta test and it wasn't good. I can't quote numbers; in fact, I don't think the doctor even gave R any numbers. All we needed to know was the facts, and the fact is that this is all over. I can't begin to express how upset we are.

We will be okay. We always are. But this hurts like hell and I dread the worse that will surely come before the better. I don't even know how to pick up these pieces. It just seems like too much.

The most painful part is that I'm stuck in Perry, Georgia for the next two days (today/tomorrow) and I can't be home with R. My mother-in-law is there with R, which makes me feel a bit better knowing R doesn't have to be alone. My meetings are going well, but I want to be home with my wife. We need each other right now.

Being here with my team members is hard. Only one co-worker/friend knows what's going on. Everyone else is clueless. I couldn't get out of coming here and now that I'm here, I'm expected to be really focused and cheery, etc. (Obviously, the focused part isn't working, as I'm sitting here, blogging.) It will be nice to have some time to wind down tonight, to call my wife and talk to her, and to just have some time alone.

THIS DAY SUCKS

I woke up at about 4:00am and was bleeding. I went to the doctor this morning. She couldn't find anything on the ultrasound. I took another beta test and I'm now waiting to see what it says. Dr. A told me that it may be okay, that she had seen stranger things happen, but things did not really look good.

She offered me progestrone supplements but said that it would just prolong a pregnancy that perhaps should not continue. She offered the example of a woman who took it, made it 36 weeks, and had to have her baby die because it had no kidneys. So, we opted for no progesterone.

I was really so excited about this baby and right now I just can't believe that this is happening. Ju HAD to go out of town on business this morning and was suuuuuuper upset about it. I took the day off work and am just trying to hold it together. Ju had my mom come up from Atlanta, which has been really hard on my mom, but it is really nice to have her here.

So, for now, I think mom and I are going to watch some movies and wait for the doctor to call.

STILL PREGNANT!!

It is really strange how all of this has happened. I'm still in shock!

We are thrilled about our pregnancy, but to be honest, I am having a hard time believing that it's not just one long mix-up at the lab. I haven't been as sick as I expected, which is worrying to me. I feel like maybe if I felt worse and was sick more often, it would all be more real/believable.

Mostly, I am just tired. My bed time has now become 8:30 and I wake up a thousand times a night. I hear every move the dogs make and feel that it is now necessary to take them out to pee at about 3:00am (how they ever made it before is beyond me).

Fortunately, I have support. The gal who teaches across the hall from me recently had twins, so I seek her out and bug her for information. She told me she didn't get sick until week eight and her little boys turned out to be just perfect! This is only week five, so perhaps it is reasonable to think that I would not be ragingly sick.

I am going on Monday to put our name on the very long daycare lists in town and hope to get a spot by the time we need it. I know it is early, but I am kind of compulsive about that kind of stuff. I'm a teacher, so I am a freak about education. G-d help the daycare worker who gets my poor child/children because I have very specific ideas about early learning and developmental appropriateness. It ain't gonna be pretty! I wish that one of us could stay home, but that doesn't seem to be a financial possiblity at this point.

Anyway, if anybody has any info to share about early pregnancy and how to survive the amazingly constant worry, please share! Gee, I thought that if we could get pregnant that I would feel really relieved, and I do, but I also worry because anything could happen. Sure, anything could always happen, but especially right now I am worried.

IT'S OFFICIAL!

Well, it's official -- we're definitely pregnant! R had a second beta test today to make sure everything was on schedule and the results were excellent. The doctor's office wants us to schedule our ultrasound asap. We couldn't be more excited!

Edit: Our ultrasound is scheduled for Wednesday, January 31st. Until then, please keep your fingers crossed and keep us in your thoughts. Things are going well, but we're so nervous -- we have a long way to go.

HEAR YE, HEAR YE...

R asked me to update our blog yesterday, but I just didn't know quite what to say. Our situation is delicate, but after giving it some thought today, I've decided that we can use all the support we can get! So, here goes:

WE'RE PREGNANT!!!

Honestly, we weren't expecting this at all. This last dual IUI was done and afterwards, we didn't really talk about it all. We even went ahead and scheduled a consult appointment with the IVF doctor. That's how convinced we were that it wouldn't work.

R took a pregnancy test Sunday morning, not expecting anything, and amazingly enough, the result was positive. We waited again and took a second test Sunday night. It, too, was positive. Monday morning (yesterday), R took a third test and got a third positive result. Since our IVF appointment was supposed to be yesterday (ironic, eh?), we called their office first thing to see if we could come in early for bloodwork. Our actual appointment was scheduled for late in the day and we knew if we waited, we wouldn't get any results back by closing time.

We spoke with the nurse first thing. The IVF doctor was nice about it, but said he wouldn't do a consult with a pregnant woman and wouldn't run bloodwork. He said we needed to see our regular doctor. At this point, we were in Atlanta (we'd spent the night with R's mom, who lives there), so we had to get back in the car and head back to Athens. We went straight to our doctor's office and everyone was buzzing around with excitement. Our tiny little Dr. A nearly knocked me down when she hugged me!

R had a beta/hcg test done and we got the results yesterday afternoon. Dr. A said it looked really good and that R was exactly on target for where she is in her cycle. We have to go back in for R to have another beta/hcg test done tomorrow morning, so the doctor can compare it and just double-check that things are progressing nicely. We feel good about everything, but we have to admit that we're pretty nervous, too. But, like I told R earlier on the phone today, there's not much we can do and unless we see blood, we can remain optimistic.

In the meantime, R has had quite a bit of morning sickness - mostly dry heaving, not actual vomiting. We've managed to keep it controlled with food - lots of small snacks like bananas and saltine crackers. R also had some headaches today, which worried her that something was wrong, but I simply reminded her that headaches were common from the surge of all those hormones. That seemed to calm her a bit, but then I was worried about her. I didn't think anything was really wrong; I just didn't want her to get sick or anything.

Anyway, we are very excited, as you might imagine, even though we don't feel like we're totally in the clear yet. I think we'll feel better tomorrow when we can see what's going on for sure. Dr. A said that we'll get to have our first ultrasound in two weeks, which will allow us to hear the heartbeat and determine how many embryos there are. How exciting is that?!?!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

It has been a pretty good week. Ju and I have had some time alone, and also some time to talk about all that has been going on. The holiday timing of all of this and the fact that we have been surrounded by family for what felt like forever has made it hard to have a chance to figure out what to do/how we feel, etc.

Unfortunately, I had a major hormonal/emotional breakdown on Thursday. I basically cried for about seven hours solid (sorry, Ju.). If I ever needed proof that I have a great wife, the fact that she didn't get visibly angry with me while I completely lost it, clearly says a great deal. Anyhow, my breakdown seemed to strangely facilitate our talking about all this. We talked and talked and talked.

We decided that we both desperately want to have a freaking life beyond trying to have a baby. We are not ready to throw in the towel, but IVF is scary, both financially and physically. If this round of IUI doesn't work, we are going to shelf the baby project until school lets out. Then, we can have a chance to reconfigure our lives and focus on some other stuff that we have put on the backburner while we deal with what has become a freaking fertility hell.

Okay, so having said that, I think that I should probably give the details of our current project. We are doing a dual insemination on the 2nd and 3rd using unknown donor sperm. I am a little sad that this is the last chance for IUI . It feels like the end of the "easy" stuff and moving onto IVF seems to indicate that I might have a major fertility issue (can you tell I am really scared?).

The donor we are using this time around evidently has a pretty good thaw rate (over 60% on average) and has 19 known pregnancies. This gives me a bit of hope. I called the sperm bank and bugged the lab techs until they spilled the beans about each of the donors and who was frequently getting folks pregnant. In the end, we chose a guy who had both the most pregnancies and who seemed to actually have a brain in his head. I wish I had known that the sperm bank would give out this info when I started because I would have done so many things differently. Oh well, live and learn.

On a totally different topic (sort of), I saw my college roommates and their 1 and 1/2 year old baby on Friday. Some people hate to be around kids while they are trying to make this baby stuff happen, but I am really happy to be around kids because it reminds me of why we are doing all of this and what the payoff will be. Additionally, my friends are obviously wonderful, super-devoted parents who have a terrific kid. It was nice to see a really happy family.

BAD NEWS...

Okay, so this is the last round of IUI (probably)... OY! Just to bring everyone up to speed this is the 6th cycle in 10 months. All cycles were done with oral medication, except for the first one. And all have been with frozen donor sperm.

We will do two inseminations this month, one on Tuesday (Jan 2nd) and one on Wednesday (Jan 3rd). Both will be with Dr. No-personality, who we essentially "fired" about nine months ago (just great). My wonderful Dr. A is going to the beach with her kids and hubby, thus will not be available. By the time we have results, it will be time to see the IVF doctor (we see him on Jan 15th).

I went for my ultrasound today (I refer this to as "egg day"). This is day 11 of my cycle and while my doctor seemed to feel okay about the results (two follicles measuring at 17 and 18) and the uterine lining measuring at six. She insisted that this was okay, but I was not impressed. I wanted to die and crawl under the table. I am pissy and very difficult to live with at this point. I feel sorry for Ju. I know that she wants me to buck up a little bit, but I seem to be incapable of this and am pretty much inconsolable.

The good news is that Christmas is blissfully over. I would like to point out that I managed to not cry publicly the entire time I was with the family, which is one small accomplishment.

Ju keeps telling me that she still believes we'll be okay, that we can get pregnant and that the IVF guy may have some real ideas (he's a reproductive endocrinologist, so she says he'll know more about hormone stuff). I have MUCH less enthusiasm for this. I am just afraid he is going to tell me my eggs look like crap or that I am just broken. This evening Ju said "aren't you tired?" and the answer is yes, I am really, really, really tired and frustrated and hurt and a million other things. I just don't know what to do.

If I knew how to fix this, I would. I am pretty type-A and hate to "fail"/give up. Ju says that I am freaking out way too early (because we haven't even met the IVF guy and already, I'm expecting the worst) and that we just have to hang in there for what the doctor actually has to say. I am sure that she is right; I am just not good at not worrying.

I really hope things look better tomorrow. In the meantime, it is our/my New Years resolution to have a freaking life beyond fertility!

MERRY CHRISTMAS... SORT OF

So as we all now know, I am officially very un-pregnant. I am almost feeling okay about this. I'm super-annoyed, but glad it is over.

I talked with my doctor yesterday and she told me she simply did not have a clue why I wasn't getting pregnant, but that she thought injectables with IUI was not the way to go. She says I stimulate pretty well from the 150 Clomid. The problem is not quantity of eggs. She seemed relieved that I had made an appointment with the IVF doctor. He was her mentor and she trained under him. She's also discussed our case with him a few times. She told me that she really felt like it was time to have a different set of eyes look at my files and talk with me. She said she thought that he would suggest IVF and frankly, at this point that sounds pretty darn good.

I would love to be able to move forward with IVF quickly, but the money is a pretty big obstacle. I am sure (hopefully) that we can figure it out and I think that there are some potential grandparents who might be willing to kick in some additional cash. Anyway, we went ahead and started this cycle with the same drugs and a few additional tests that I will go in for next week (don't even ask me what they are). By the time that we go to see the IVF doctor on MLK day we will know if this round has worked. I don't have very high expectations for this round, but we basically are going forward b/c the insurance will cover most of it (All drugs except Clomid, all diagnostic tests/procedures, and the IUI. We still have to buy sperm.).

Sitting around trying to figure the money out without ever having a chance of this working sucks. Plus, we have all of these friends who keep telling us that we just haven't tried long enough and that we should give it a few more months. Our regular doctor has additionally suggested that the IVF guy might change the way we do the IUI insemination. I am really excited to find out what our options are and how expensive all of this is going to be.

By the way, Merry Christmas.

QUESTION

Anyone out there on MySpace? Lemme know and we can add you to our list!

WISHES

Yesterday, when R first started bleeding, it was light and spotty. I had secretly hoped it was just some implantation bleeding. I'd read somewhere it can happen as late as day twelve from insemination, and according to our calendar, we were still in the window. But my wishes were only just wishes, as R's period became more intense overnight. More than anything, I just really want her to be happy and I know that for this to happen would make her the happiest ever.

Me - I just feel helpless. I'm disappointed and my spouse is so very upset. She cries and I can't fix it. I can try to comfort her the best I can, but it drives me crazy to see her like this. I just want everything to work and I'm worn out. I know R's worn out, too.

R made an appointment with a doctor who is well-known for IVF and with whom our insem-doctor studied under. We'll go for a consultation in mid-January, but we won't be able to do any IVFs for a while due to R's teaching schedule. In the meantime, we'll continue to do a couple more rounds of IUI, since our insurance will now pay for it starting in January. Maybe we'll get lucky and one of those will work.

A strange thing happened to me this afternoon. R had scheduled a telephone call with Dr. A. Because I'm work, I didn't get to listen in or participate. I realized I had a couple of questions which R didn't ask, so I attempted to call the doctor's office myself to speak with Dr. A. Well, she had to run off to a delivery, so she had a staff-person call me back to let me know that's why she didn't return my call. But, she also had that staff-person tell me that any conversation we had, R needed to be present for. WTF?!

You see, for nearly a year now, I am the one who almost always deals with the doctor's office. I coordinate appointments, ask questions, schedule this or that, get medicines called in, pick medicines up, etc. I deal with the doctor and the staff far more than R ever does and certainly, I've had conversations with Dr. A before. But, now she's having someone else tell me that R needs to be present? Who knows, maybe someone is buckling down on her about privacy acts and such. It just threw me for a loop is all.

JUST A FEW MORE DAYS (Edit at 3:19 PM)

EDIT: R's period started this afternoon. Back to square one.

---

We have only a few more days until we know anything for sure about the results of this last insemination. Until today, I was feeling pretty confident that everything was a go, but I seem to have lost it a bit now that R's freaking out and doesn't seem to think it's worked anymore.

For days on end, R's boobs have been the size of Texas and really sore. She's also been tired a lot and complaining of a sore back, as well as having hot flashes. All are classic signs of what one might experience when first pregnant, at least from everything I've read. It's been pretty convincing.

I've managed to keep a really cool head, mostly because I've prepared myself for disappointment. I'm used to being disappointed in my life; if I want to, I can block it all out. And that's what I'm doing. R, on the other hand, isn't so good at doing that. In fact, she's had herself pretty worked up and convinced that we'd be expecting multiples. So, I can only imagine that her disappointment will be even worse than usual.

This morning, R woke up and basically started crying right away. She's gotten herself worked up because her boobs aren't as sore and our pregnancy test came up negative, even though it's probably still too soon to test. Her period isn't due until Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. (what a gift, eh?)

Of course, it could all be fine, too. We could wake up on Christmas, take a test, and get the results we want. But the uncertainty is maddening and R's crying is hard for me to swallow because I simply don't know what to do. I just want to do all the right things.

On another note, R bought a small Christmas present for me. She's a horrible secret-keeper though and couldn't stand it; she had to tell me what it is. It's a 1/32 size (very tiny) violin for a baby/small child. You see, I play violin and I've always talked about doing Suzuki method with my kid one day. When R found this small violin, she said she had to get it for me. Her mom fussed at her for doing that, saying it would curse us. Nevermind the fact that she (my mother-in-law) bought baby booties and a blanket while she was in Paris. Hhhmmpph.

WHAT CAN YOU DO... FROM R

I am feeling okay about the KD; a little annoyed, but it is okay. I just wish we had known earlier. I am glad that the guy bailed early versus after we were expecting. I can't imagine what it would be like to have to fight to keep full custody of our child. That is not a hell that I want to explore.

I really wanted to give this baby try the best shot I could, which to me means that we do at least two insems. I will say that the amazing quanity of meds I took did the trick and we do have two or three (hard to see exactly how many on the ultrasound) good-looking and mature eggs, and a few others that were smallish. At least that is something, plus we have the high count sperm guy as our donor. The reality is I am trying to convince myself that we really do have a chance of this working. I want this to work so badly, and it is a huge disappointment every time when we find out that it just hasn't worked for us.

Being pragmatic, I am already thinkng about next month's try. I have set an internal number of 8 tries. I know that this is a lot, but the idea of trying to get up the cash for IVF is just so scary for me. We are very average folks, and just don't have $30,000-plus bucks laying around, and if we did I am pretty sure that we would prefer not to spend our money in this fashion. We are having a hard enough time with paying for all of this stuff every month, much less mortgaging ourselves to the hilt for the purpose of having a baby.

I know the reality is that if we needed to, that we would do IVF or lie to the foreign adoption people and pretend that I am not gay, or frankly, whatever we needed to in order to have a child that we raise. I just hope that it doesn't come to any of that!

I have been looking into embryo adoption, mostly because unlike traditional adption, there is no birth mother to contend with and there isn't a foreign adoption official to lie to, plus we would (obviously) get a newborn baby, which is important to us at this point in the game. I don't know if that will ever become unimportant to us, but I don't think either of us would really be able to say no to the opportunity to be parents if the child was older. Who knows what we will do in the end.

If anyone knows anything about embryo adoption outside of the super-Christian snowflake people, LET ME KNOW!!!

Maybe we will just get lucky and have an amazing Christmas... and we will be able to just move on to the next thing.

!#$&^@!!!

The last time we did an insemination, we used a donor with an extraordinarily high sperm count. Some of you may recall my artistic renditions of what it looked like under a microscope. Anyhow, prior to our plans to use a known donor, we'd really wanted to buy more of this donor's sperm. However, when I called to put it on reserve, he was already "sold out". We went on a pending list with nine other folks ahead of us. Well, a couple of days ago I got a call while at work and it was now our turn to purchase high-count-sperm-guy. The timing seemed like a sign and after talking it over with R, we decided to buy some. I even arranged to pick it up for this round of insemination, just in case we'd need it should something fall through with our known donor.

Well, it's a good thing we followed our gut and bought it because tonight we found out things aren't going to work out with our KD. Even though we planned all of this weeks in advance, he suddenly has other obligations. Yeah, right. His story changed probably three or four times about what it was he had to do. He could be telling the truth; he doesn't have a history of lying. Or, maybe he just didn't want to do it and was trying to keep from disappointing me, although that didn't work. I am upset, disappointed, and mad. Mad, mostly because I feel like he lied to me, even though I have no proof.

Also, I am frustrated. I have spent weeks coordinating medicines and scheduling stuff. We even rigged R's meds so that we could time it for this weekend, rather than just letting it fall when it would on its own. All that and now, we have to just use our donor sperm from the bank. At least we know that he's got good swimmers. I'm just terribly upset to learn that we're going from having two in-office insems and one at-home insem to just having one in-office insem. I feel like our chances have just somehow been diminished greatly, even if they haven't.

Anyway, we have our insemination tomorrow morning. Wish us luck! This is try number six and the bank says that's their average of how long it takes. Let's hope there's some truth to that.

JUST A LITTLE OFF-TOPIC

I mentioned in my last post that the results from my last pap smear were abnormal. I know that lots of women get abnormal results, but still. I decided to seek out a second opinion (I needed to see a doctor anyway to get medicine for bronchitis) so I made a same-day appointment today with the doctor R sees for all of our insemination stuff. She's awesome and if anything was ever really wrong with me, I trust her.

Well, I'm so glad I went in, even though I ended up seeing the physician's assistant instead. (She, too, is awesome!) She really eased my mind by taking the time to talk to me and answer my questions and explain things. She assured me that I don't have to worry so much, but still suggested that I have a colposcopy, another test they do with their patients who have abnormal results. (A colposcopy is where the doctor uses a microscope to closely examine the cervix and the cells to determine if any are pre-cancerous and if they are, it can be treated right away.) My test won't be for four more weeks, but now that I've got some peace of mind, I am not worried about waiting just a few weeks.

Anyway, thanks to those of you who shared your stories and offered reassurance. I'll keep y'all posted.

ON WITH IT

So, things are moving right along. R started her period on Friday, a day earlier than we'd hoped for, but it's still within the window of what we need. She's taking Dexamethasone and Clomid (150mg). For now, it's just a matter of maintaining the right schedule, going to appointments, etc. Our KD still has to have his appointment with his doctor, but that's out of our hands. Worst case scenario: we have to order from the sperm bank and that's okay with us.

In other news, I got the results from my pap smear from two weeks ago. Apparently, there's an abnormality. Something about abnormal cells, but the nurse with whom I spoke was sort of unclear. She said it's not cancer and "Don't Panic." (How the hell am I supposed to not panic? It's worrisome!) I'll call the doctor tomorrow and hopefully he can more explicitly explain exactly what this means, how it effects me, and what I need to do. And if need be, I'll have more tests and/or seek out a second opinion elsewhere.

Several things could have happened to give abnormal results, ie, I was just finishing up my period. The nurse said I might have had a low-grade infection of some sort, ie, a yeast infection without knowing. (Even if I had a full-blown one, I'm not sure I'd know it because I've never had one before. How do you even know?) The nurse said something about waiting six months to get re-tested, but not if I can help it! I need help, now.

Okay, I better stop this entry short because I am starting to wig out again and R's not home from class. I'm all alone and I just need to vent! Maybe I'll just go practice my violin... after all, I do have a concert to prepare for (another thing to be stressed out about!).

R = MOUTH O' THE SOUTH

R is not known for keeping a secret well, whereas I am stubborn enough to be able to take something to my grave. I pride myself in being a good secret-keeper. R, not being able to keep it all in, told her mom that we were using a known donor, and identified him as H, who my ma-in-law met once. Oooh, this made me so, well, mad. Actually, mad isn't the correct word. I was more or less really disappointed and frustrated and upset. H is a great guy, but *I* am the one who's raising our child with R. I don't want her mom always thinking that H is dad and once that idea is planted in one's head, it's hard to shake. It's bad enough that I can't knock R up myself, without having this other person filling in the gap of the other biological parent to anyone who questions it. Make sense? Also, it bothered me because my mom-in-law, when she met H, made remarks about him being such a queen (he's gay) and such. Now, that he's helping us, she's suddenly okay with him? How frustrating!

In other news, we know two ladies in town, though not well at all, who have a little boy who was conceived through a known donor. I'd been dying to get in touch with them to ask what their situation was as far as using a donor contract. Basically, what I found out is this: they did use a contract, but when it came down to it in the end, they were told the contract was "worth about as much as the paper it was on". It didn't amount to a hill of beans and the donor still had to sign away his rights at the time of the adoption. So, that just confirms to me that we're doing the right things -- using a contract, just in case, but being wise enough to avoid debt doing it.

CONTRACTS AND TESTING

Things with our donor are moving right along, except... well, the earliest he could get an appointment to have tests done was December 5th... and we're using him on the weekend of the 9th! I don't think it will be too much of an issue, as they can put a "STAT" order on the tests. It just makes me really nervous, that's all. Scheduling this stuff is a bitch!

In other news, I spoke with the lawyer I mentioned earlier and she won't even look at the contract we already have. Rather, she wants to draw up a new one altogether and now I know why -- she wants to charge $800 to do it! I think we're going to pass, use what we have, and get it notarized. At least then we'll have something and after reading the one we have, I can't imagine getting one much better. It pretty much sums up everything and knowing that a lawyer elsewhere created it, I know it must be fairly sound. There's one thing we have to change at the very end, but the friend who gave us the copy offered to help us get the information we'd need to change the one part. With that being said, it's one more thing I can check off the list!