OTTO

So, as you can see we just couldn't stand it any longer. We broke down and got another dog in the place of the pesky and illusive baby. We really needed something fun to happen and.... well Otto is fun, and a total cuddle-monster. I have joked that there must be something wrong with him b/c he is so calm.

I am on a school break which is making me very happy!!! I really needed the break. We are gearing up for the next try and we will start the new drugs around/on the 20th, and I am hopeful. What can I say; Spring has that affect on me. Maybe we will win the chromosomal lotto? You never can tell what will happen.

In other funky news, the house next to our best couple friends has been foreclosed on and will be on the market soon. It is far from a sure thing, but it would be fabulous to live next to them. It is a fun thought that involves much less cooking than I currently do... hehehe. I plan to invade their gay-boy kitchen a lot if we live next door.

They have been trying to adopt from the foster care system and are about as annoyed with it as we are with fertility. It is always nice to feel like we are not alone in our long and annoying quest for a family.

Hope everybody is enjoying the early time change.

See ya!
R.

WE'RE NEW MOMMIES!

Meet our new "son", Otto:









To read more about Otto, visit Ju's other blog at Ju. 2007.

STARTING OVER

It looks like we will be doing another round of IUI, with all of the new drug combos recomended by Dr. S. I can't say that I am all that excited about it, but I am pretty sure that it is the right thing to do. I figure we will go one or two more rounds of dual IUI with the new drugs, and then regroup. I truly have no idea what we will do after this. Ju may try if our doctor can get her issues dealt with and if she looks more promising than I do. Or, we may move forward with the IVF. It is hard to know what to do. Right now I am probably happier and more physically comfortable than I have been in a year. My body is slowly returning to normal and I have started to lose some of the weight that I packed on during the hormonal highs and lows of the last year. I would not be suprised if we take a pretty big break (6 months or more) after these next two tries. I know that this sounds a little negative and maybe it is. I am hopeful that we will get lucky in the next few months, but I am also aware of our chances. We have been here a few too many times to be anything other than very realistic. I never thought I would feel this way, but it might be time to think about having a life beyond this. I don't think if we wait another six months or a year that it will really hurt our chances of getting pregnant (we will both be 31 in late summer/early fall). I would love to be a mom, but not at the cost of our relationship and my sanity. I have been spending more time with Z at school, and while there is no way to know if that will all work out or even if it should, I am very much open to the posibility. We will just have to see what the next few months hold in store.

SWITCHING ROLES?

In response to R's last post, someone asked if we'd considered switching roles and having me try. To answer that question, yes, it's been discussed, but I have issues all my own and they don't have anything to do with wanting/not wanting to try myself.

The fact is, I do want to try, at some point. It has always been part of our plan. In our perfect dream world, it would go like this: R would try, get pregnant, have a baby, etc. And then a couple of years later, I'd try, get pregnant, have a baby, etc... one big happy family. Unfortunately, it hasn't gone quite like this. So, now we're left with making decisions about what R will/can do next. And if that doesn't work, then perhaps I'll give it a go.

The problem is this: I have several hormonal issues that might prevent me from being able to carry myself. We'll know more when I visit the same IVF specialist R saw a couple of weeks ago. Dr. S is actually a Reproductive Endocrinologist and took an interest in my case, stating that he'd be interested in treating my issues and suggesting that I should make an appointment to see him. I feel good about this idea, so I made an appointment for mid-March. I'm not seeing him for fertility, but rather to just treat my hormone issues, but who knows, I might be able to get answers along the way that would settle any questions/thoughts/what-ifs about this.

So, there ya have it. I'm not opposed to trying, but I'm not sure I can, either. We just want to figure it out and at this point, we'd be happy if either one of us could make it happen.

YUCK!!!

Aaargh! We did not get into the IVF study -- the one that would have paid a large chunk of the genetic testing costs. All the slots got filled and we were the very first people they rejected -- just our luck these days. The nurse said if we'd gotten our names submitted even eight hours earlier, we would have gotten in. Why'd she have to tell us that?! I cried, a lot... I mean, A LOT. It has been very distressing, and there is a very big part of me that just wonders if we are not meant to ever have this happen for us. Additionally, I am MAD. We have worked so hard and for so long and have never caught much of anything even resembling a break.

I know I am whining, but seeing as I just do not have the cash to make this happen, I am left with very few options and whining looks pretty good all-in-all. The other half of this is that while in the grand scheme of things I realize that 20,000-25,000 bucks is not that much really... it could buy you a new Honda?... but the idea of spending what to us is a very large chunk of change is scary, particularly when we may have to finance a good deal of it (did I mention that I teach public school for a living? and Ju works for the university, which is notorious for their low-paying salaries).

While we may be able to beg, borrow, and steal the cash, we are then faced with the super-scary prospect of putting our lives back together if this does not happen for us. I have no idea what the right thing to do is. IVF seemed much less scary at a significantly reduced price tag. I am overwhelmed by all of the possible scenarios and additional awful things that could happen to us.

Both of our doctors have recommended that we go on and do a couple more rounds of dual-IUI with the hefty 150 milligrams of Clomid, additional estrogen support, the anti-neural tube defect drugs, progesterone support, 1500 milligrams of metformin and dexamethazone (steroid). The hope is that we will win the chromosomal lottery and produce an egg or two that are healthy and capable of survival, that this egg gets fertilized, and all the stuff that is supposed to happen happens. This is significantly less costly than IVF, but runs a pretty high risk of additional miscarriage.

We have been having some very frank discussions about what we think the state of my metal health would be if we lost another two or three pregnancies. This is a question that I don't know the answer to. I know that I am likely to get pregnant with this grouping of drugs and a dual-IUI (as I have gotten two times that can be documented out of the last three tries, but I suspect it actually happened all three times). The question, as always, is: can we hold on to the pregnancy? I used to worry so much about getting pregnant; now I pretty much expect to get pregnant, just worry about staying pregnant.

IVF AND OTHER STUFF

I haven't blogged in a while because I have just been way too upset to deal with it. It has been a hell of a month and I am glad things seem to be getting better.

After meeting with the IVF doctor (Dr. S), it seems that we are planning our first (and hopefully only) IVF cycle for June. Dr. S was great and he told us that based on all of the information he had, it was likely that I have some issues with producing eggs that are genetically normal, and so when they are fertilized, they are not able to survive.

Dr. S said that I have both of the genetic markers for neural tube defects (ie, spina bifida) and that I will need to take some additional meds to prevent our child being born with this. Apparantly, the medication is simple: just a very high dose of folic acid combined with B-series vitamins.

He recommended that we do a combination pack of IVF with genetic testing on the embryos to decide which to implant. He says this will give me a much higher rate of pregnancy of at least 60%! Seeing as how we were working with a success rate of less than 10% before, 60% is amazing and we feel really good about it.

The clinic Dr. S runs has an outrageous success rate and our doctor here in town seems to think this guy is a god. And, so far, to us he is! He was kind, funny, and took an enormous amount of time with us (about two hours) to go over everything you can imagine. He talked about all of the possible reasons that we lost the previous pregnancies and never once did he term it in anything other than "this is a medical problem" terms. After having been told that it was "just bad luck" by the staff at my local doctor's office, it was a relief to not have him say that. When someone starts talking about "luck", frankly, it just makes me feel like it is my fault. But when someone talks about screwed up chromosomes, I know I can't change that with my thoughts, behavior, stress level, etc.

Dr. S is trying to get us in a study that looks at the impact of genetic testing of embryos on the pregnancy rates of younger women. We will find out if we get into the study early next week. The really great part about the study is that it will pay for about $10,000 worth of the medical cost of all of this. (Did I mention that insurance pays nothing?!) We are really hopeful that this will be the answer that we are looking for.

I am still intrested in having us get to know Z for all sorts of reasons. The reality is that even the most amazing amount of medical intervention may leave us without a child in our house. I want us to continue to look at what it would mean for us to adopt and if that happens with Z it would be great, but if it doesn't, then I think all three of us would benefit from the experience of getting to know each other.

Z is not expecting to be adopted and because I am already a part of her life, I doubt she would think it was that odd for us to see each other. Foster kids have an enormous number of adults that they have interaction with that a kid in a traditional family would not have, so having us "mentor" her (i.e. hang out together) would not be so very strange. At least I don't think so. (?) Feel free to weigh in.

IVF SPECIALIST

Since both R and I have off on Thursday, R decided to check and see if the IVF specialist had any cancellations/openings that day so we could go for the appointment early. As it turns out, the receptionist had *just* hung up with the person who was cancelling the appointment we needed, so she was able to work us in right away. We're quite eager to have answers, so this is a great thing to be able to go when we have time do it and not have to wait another month, which is when we were originally scheduled.

Updates coming soon.

OFF TOPIC -- YOUR FAVORITE BLOGGING TOOL?

Which blog service is your favorite and why? I'm especially interested to hear from you folks out there who have switched from Blogger to WordPress. Was the transition smooth and are you pleased with the switch? etc, etc, etc...

SO MUCH GOING ON

R and I have been doing a lot of talking about what we're doing in this TTC process, what we want, what we need, our fears, etc. We've talked a lot about Z, the little girl who is coming up for adoption, and how we each feel about that.

No decisions are being made right now and the fact is, being able to actually adopt her anyway is a long shot. But we'll take some time to think it over, to mull over our concerns, and to come up with answers that feel right to us. In the meantime, we've pretty much decided to pursue the classes we need to take to be certified as foster/foster-to-adopt parents. That way, if we do decide at some point to pursue Z, or some other kid, we'll have our certifications completed. It can't hurt, right? At the very least, we could have Z spend the night one night, or just take her out for a few afternoons. That way, I could get to know her a bit because I think part of my struggle is that I just don't know her. It might be nice to be a sort of mentor anyways.

I still have many of the same concerns I aired before, but the one thing I am sure of that keeps me from saying 'no' is this: all kids deserve love. All kids deserve to have a decent home. We'd potentially have the chance to give a little girl everything she'd otherwise not have and she deserves that. So, that's where I am right now.

As far as another "try" with IUI goes, we're considering it some time from now. Our doctor actually wants to do another round before we see the IVF specialist for our consult. We don't know if we'll take her up on it, but it gives me some glimmer of hope. Dr. A knows what we've been through and she knows how upset we've been. I can't imagine that she'd ask us to try again if she didn't really think we stood a chance. She knows we have the appointment with the IVF guy. If she thought she couldn't do anything more for us, I think she'd just give us her blessing to move onto to the next step. But, she hasn't done that, so... I have to believe. It's scary as hell, though.

R talked to the nurse/insem coordinator the other day to see if her second round of tests came in. I can't recall if they had or not, but the nurse did say that Dr. A wants R to go ahead and start taking extra folic acid (in addition to the prenatals she already takes), baby aspirin, and at some point, progesterone. This was in response to a conversation that R had with them (I don't recall the details) and it has become obvious to us that Dr. A is really listening to us.

So, we have a lot going on and a lot to figure out. It's confusing as hell, but I am so glad I have R to figure this out with.

Z

R called me this morning to inform me that she'd just found out some kids at her school were about to be up for adoption. She's known these kids for a while, as they have somehow managed to follow her path as she's taught at three different schools. Each school she moves to, they're there. Anyway, it's a sibling group - three kids (two boys, one girl). They're African-American, have a very loooooooooong history of being abused/neglected/etc., and the youngest is five years old. R says they're great kids and very sweet, but I don't know them outside of the few wretched stories I've heard about their family.

It looks as if the sibling group will be split up. Child care services is trying to adopt the boys out as a pair and the girl out alone, unless by some miracle, some family is willing and able to take all three (which isn't us, by the way). R, at least this morning, was flipping out at the chance to adopt the little girl, Z.

The thing is this: We still have a chance at pregnancy. The doctor has a new plan for us and says things with R look promising. I hate to forfeit this and if we adopted Z, that's what we'd have to do, for now anyways. And, if I'm being honest, I'm not sure I want a five year old. I could change my mind after giving it some more thought, but right now, in this very instant, I'm having a hard time saying "yes". Plus, the fact that she's been abused and neglected - it makes me sad, but call me selfish - I'm not sure I want to take on a kid who has all that baggage.

The other thing is, and I don't want to offend anyone - I'm not sure adopting an African-American child is the best thing for us. We're already a minority family, living in the South (not the most accepting place), and I don't want to make things any harder for a child than they might already be. And I think for a child of five years old to come into our home, after being raised and fostered in black homes, it would be really hard for her. Also, I'm not African-American myself and I don't have that culture that I would want to be instilled in my child. Is this wrong to feel this way? Seriously, share your thoughts with me!

Additionally, I worry that my family wouldn't accept an African-American child the way they would if I adopted a white baby. This isn't right and in no way am I making an excuse for my family, but the reality is that my mom will be 70 years old next year. There are some generational things there that would make it very hard for her to come to grips. Quite frankly, I don't care about that as far as my mom is concerned, but it would worry me for the child. I don't want my child to feel funny or unwelcomed because he/she is black and living in a white family where they are not completely loved by everyone. It's all so confusing.

Plus, I just have issues about foster care anyway. After R's call this morning, I looked up the child care services online foster/adoption listings, hoping to read about these kids. I didn't find them there, but I was able to look at a listing of 151 children. Out of those 151 children available, the youngest not in a sibling group was eight years old. And nearly all of the children have serious behavioral and/or mental and/or learning and/or physical problems. That's a lot for anyone to take on.

The part that really gets to me, though, is that the goal of child care services is to keep these children in their biological parents' homes. It doesn't matter if little Mikey has been beaten and burned and starved for six years straight - "momma" can say "this time is different" and off Mikey goes, back home to a disaster. I can't bear the thought of getting past all of my issues, taking a child, loving them, and then having them ripped from my home. Sure, some folks will say, "But it's not about you." To that, I say screw it, because when that child leaves and goes back home, it's damaging for them, too. What good is providing a loving home, if the child is just going to be taken away in the end? Isn't that, in some way, more damaging to the child? I think so, but that's just me.

There are so many things to think about and so many questions. I want to see these kids find loving homes and certainly, we'd be loving parents, but I'm just not sure this is the right thing for us. I'm not saying no, but I'm not saying yes, either. I just need time to think, think, and then think some more. Comments, please!

SNOW DAY WITH DR. A

I had to go in today to see Dr. A to discuss the results of my latest ultrasound. She says the cyst on my ovary hasn't changed and while that isn't good, at least it hasn't gotten any bigger. She wants to see me again in eight weeks and if it's still the same then, or if it's gotten bigger, she'll do surgery. Let's hope it doesn't come to that - I have an enormous fear of being put under that isn't to be believed.

Because the schools (and the university, where I work) were closed for winter weather today, R got to go with me to my appointment. This was good because Dr. A had no choice but to address her as well. She told us that R's test results were all fine, but that she was waiting on one last thing. She said she knows we're going through a lot, but she's not ready to give up and for us to consider another try in a few months from now.

Anyway, we felt such relief to be able to talk to her in person so we didn't have to keep getting these wierd answers or to have to be postponed. I mean, anyone at anytime could have said your first tests look good, but we're still waiting on the last one, or something like that. It was driving us nuts.

We're looking forward to our appointment in March with the IVF specialist. We're not sure we need the actual IVF because we've had previous successes with R getting pregnant. But at least he'll be able to run more sophisticated tests and do the monitoring that we might need.

MORE... (AND KEEP THOSE URLs COMING!)

I had to see Dr. A today for my own issues -- specifically, a follow-up exam to see how a cyst on my left ovary is doing. The lab technician, Linda, did the exam, which was kind of nice. The last time Dr. A did it, I felt so uptight and nervous, and I think this is because I deal with her so much. It was just too wierd having someone I feel like I know fairly well (we spend a lot of time in that office!) poking and prodding me.

Anyway, the ultrasound Linda did looked bad from my perspective. I've certainly seen enough ultrasounds on screen at this point to know what to look for and when she got to my left ovary (the right one was perfect), I could see the cyst glaring at me from the screen. It looked like a huge black hole/spot on the screen. She measured it at an inch-and-a-half. That's about the size of the space measuring from my bottom knuckle (the one that connects my finger to my hand) to the second knuckle on my pointer finger -- yikes! Dr. A wasn't there to review these results with me (she had to run off to a delivery and then she also had a couple of surgeries scheduled), so I had to make an appointment to return on Thursday for some face-time with her.

I feel like it's okay to write about my stuff here because it effects my own fertility and should I ever decide to try-to-conceive instead of R, you'd be hearing about it. So...

In other news, R's test results (the extensive/obscure tests that we were not expecting the results to for several more weeks) came back today. R called me just before I left for my appointment to beg me to weasel the results out of Dr. A. And obviously, since Dr. A wasn't there, I couldn't talk to her about it. So, I think we'll be getting the results tomorrow, hopefully. Maybe we'll finally have some answers, or at least some piece of the puzzle to work from. R quoted the nurse as having said, "... Dr. A wants to go over the game plan...", so that makes us think there is something there, but then again, it might be nothing.

We got a copy of all the receipts for our medical care for the last year and I was surprised with how little we'd actually spent with the doctor's office. An amazing amount was covered by insurance and other enormous chunk was spent buying sperm. I knew that stuff was pricey, but it didn't hit me just how pricey it is until today. Sheesh!

AUTOIMMUNE ISSUES?

Somehow, in the process of updating our blog, I lost the list of links to other parenthood/trying-to-conceive blogs. I was able to recover only a handfull, so if you see that yours has gone missing from our list, that's why. If you're a reader of our blog, send us your url so I can update my list, please!

R and I realized over the weekend that our recurrent pregnancy losses might be due to some genetic autoimmune issues. You see, R's mom, who's been quite ill for years now, is the walking definition of an autoimmune disease. Not only that, it runs in R's family. To add to this, R's had both shingles and 5th disease in the last eight months - both of which are autoimmune issues. So, we decided to pursue some tests for R to help determine if this is an issue she has that is effecting her ability to carry a baby full-term.

We put in a call to Dr. A's office. As it turns out, the tests she ordered up for R last week include checking for genetic and autoimmune stuff. The tests she ran were so extensive, in fact, that the technician who drew R's blood had never heard of or seen these tests. I guess Dr. A was/is a step ahead of us.

We won't have those tests results back for several more weeks. G-d knows, I don't wish for R to have these problems, but at least we'd have some answers, if that's what it turns out to be. And with the help of an autoimmune specialist, R could be monitored and we just might be able to make it, should we decide to try again sometime. Of course, we're not ready to start back up right away, and maybe not at all. But at least we can ask questions and get some answers.

HELP!!!

This sucks so bad; I just can't tell you.

I read that the chances of having two miscarriages back to back was less than 4%. Wow, how did I get so fucking lucky? I actually suspect that I've miscarried the last three times that we tried, but only two I know for certain. If my instincts are right, then the chances of that happening are .16%... yet again, that is some amazing luck.

Short of one of my amazing doctors coming up with a plan that gives me a freaking chance, I am ready to move on to adoption. Frankly, I am not a huge fan of trying to waiting and hoping for a mother to pick us, relinquish her baby to us, and then risk her taking that baby back... so that pretty much kicks domestic adoption to the curb.

So, that leaves international adoption. I spent the day on the phone asking about the possibility of us getting a baby from somewhere far away, only to hear a plethora of news that makes a million rounds of IVF look like a lovefest.

If anyone has any ideas, agencies, experiences with this or anything that might help - please, please, please email me. (twogeorgiamommies@gmail.com or just leave a comment.) We are in hell and I really need to find a new way to find our child. I just can't give up.

BACK HOME

I'm back from Perry and just glad to be with my wife. We need each other so much right now.

R had to go in for some pretty extensive blood tests today. It might help the doctor determine what, if anything, is causing R to miscarry. We won't have any results back for another four weeks.

We've both spent the early part of this evening making all the telephone calls we needed to make to let the few folks who knew about our pregnancy know what's happened. Everyone's been really kind, but it's hard as hell to have to do this.

Thanks to everyone for your kind words. It's nice to know we have support out there.

IT SUCKS SOMETHING FIERCE

R telephoned me with an update. Dr. A read the results of the beta test and it wasn't good. I can't quote numbers; in fact, I don't think the doctor even gave R any numbers. All we needed to know was the facts, and the fact is that this is all over. I can't begin to express how upset we are.

We will be okay. We always are. But this hurts like hell and I dread the worse that will surely come before the better. I don't even know how to pick up these pieces. It just seems like too much.

The most painful part is that I'm stuck in Perry, Georgia for the next two days (today/tomorrow) and I can't be home with R. My mother-in-law is there with R, which makes me feel a bit better knowing R doesn't have to be alone. My meetings are going well, but I want to be home with my wife. We need each other right now.

Being here with my team members is hard. Only one co-worker/friend knows what's going on. Everyone else is clueless. I couldn't get out of coming here and now that I'm here, I'm expected to be really focused and cheery, etc. (Obviously, the focused part isn't working, as I'm sitting here, blogging.) It will be nice to have some time to wind down tonight, to call my wife and talk to her, and to just have some time alone.

THIS DAY SUCKS

I woke up at about 4:00am and was bleeding. I went to the doctor this morning. She couldn't find anything on the ultrasound. I took another beta test and I'm now waiting to see what it says. Dr. A told me that it may be okay, that she had seen stranger things happen, but things did not really look good.

She offered me progestrone supplements but said that it would just prolong a pregnancy that perhaps should not continue. She offered the example of a woman who took it, made it 36 weeks, and had to have her baby die because it had no kidneys. So, we opted for no progesterone.

I was really so excited about this baby and right now I just can't believe that this is happening. Ju HAD to go out of town on business this morning and was suuuuuuper upset about it. I took the day off work and am just trying to hold it together. Ju had my mom come up from Atlanta, which has been really hard on my mom, but it is really nice to have her here.

So, for now, I think mom and I are going to watch some movies and wait for the doctor to call.

STILL PREGNANT!!

It is really strange how all of this has happened. I'm still in shock!

We are thrilled about our pregnancy, but to be honest, I am having a hard time believing that it's not just one long mix-up at the lab. I haven't been as sick as I expected, which is worrying to me. I feel like maybe if I felt worse and was sick more often, it would all be more real/believable.

Mostly, I am just tired. My bed time has now become 8:30 and I wake up a thousand times a night. I hear every move the dogs make and feel that it is now necessary to take them out to pee at about 3:00am (how they ever made it before is beyond me).

Fortunately, I have support. The gal who teaches across the hall from me recently had twins, so I seek her out and bug her for information. She told me she didn't get sick until week eight and her little boys turned out to be just perfect! This is only week five, so perhaps it is reasonable to think that I would not be ragingly sick.

I am going on Monday to put our name on the very long daycare lists in town and hope to get a spot by the time we need it. I know it is early, but I am kind of compulsive about that kind of stuff. I'm a teacher, so I am a freak about education. G-d help the daycare worker who gets my poor child/children because I have very specific ideas about early learning and developmental appropriateness. It ain't gonna be pretty! I wish that one of us could stay home, but that doesn't seem to be a financial possiblity at this point.

Anyway, if anybody has any info to share about early pregnancy and how to survive the amazingly constant worry, please share! Gee, I thought that if we could get pregnant that I would feel really relieved, and I do, but I also worry because anything could happen. Sure, anything could always happen, but especially right now I am worried.

IT'S OFFICIAL!

Well, it's official -- we're definitely pregnant! R had a second beta test today to make sure everything was on schedule and the results were excellent. The doctor's office wants us to schedule our ultrasound asap. We couldn't be more excited!

Edit: Our ultrasound is scheduled for Wednesday, January 31st. Until then, please keep your fingers crossed and keep us in your thoughts. Things are going well, but we're so nervous -- we have a long way to go.

HEAR YE, HEAR YE...

R asked me to update our blog yesterday, but I just didn't know quite what to say. Our situation is delicate, but after giving it some thought today, I've decided that we can use all the support we can get! So, here goes:

WE'RE PREGNANT!!!

Honestly, we weren't expecting this at all. This last dual IUI was done and afterwards, we didn't really talk about it all. We even went ahead and scheduled a consult appointment with the IVF doctor. That's how convinced we were that it wouldn't work.

R took a pregnancy test Sunday morning, not expecting anything, and amazingly enough, the result was positive. We waited again and took a second test Sunday night. It, too, was positive. Monday morning (yesterday), R took a third test and got a third positive result. Since our IVF appointment was supposed to be yesterday (ironic, eh?), we called their office first thing to see if we could come in early for bloodwork. Our actual appointment was scheduled for late in the day and we knew if we waited, we wouldn't get any results back by closing time.

We spoke with the nurse first thing. The IVF doctor was nice about it, but said he wouldn't do a consult with a pregnant woman and wouldn't run bloodwork. He said we needed to see our regular doctor. At this point, we were in Atlanta (we'd spent the night with R's mom, who lives there), so we had to get back in the car and head back to Athens. We went straight to our doctor's office and everyone was buzzing around with excitement. Our tiny little Dr. A nearly knocked me down when she hugged me!

R had a beta/hcg test done and we got the results yesterday afternoon. Dr. A said it looked really good and that R was exactly on target for where she is in her cycle. We have to go back in for R to have another beta/hcg test done tomorrow morning, so the doctor can compare it and just double-check that things are progressing nicely. We feel good about everything, but we have to admit that we're pretty nervous, too. But, like I told R earlier on the phone today, there's not much we can do and unless we see blood, we can remain optimistic.

In the meantime, R has had quite a bit of morning sickness - mostly dry heaving, not actual vomiting. We've managed to keep it controlled with food - lots of small snacks like bananas and saltine crackers. R also had some headaches today, which worried her that something was wrong, but I simply reminded her that headaches were common from the surge of all those hormones. That seemed to calm her a bit, but then I was worried about her. I didn't think anything was really wrong; I just didn't want her to get sick or anything.

Anyway, we are very excited, as you might imagine, even though we don't feel like we're totally in the clear yet. I think we'll feel better tomorrow when we can see what's going on for sure. Dr. A said that we'll get to have our first ultrasound in two weeks, which will allow us to hear the heartbeat and determine how many embryos there are. How exciting is that?!?!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

It has been a pretty good week. Ju and I have had some time alone, and also some time to talk about all that has been going on. The holiday timing of all of this and the fact that we have been surrounded by family for what felt like forever has made it hard to have a chance to figure out what to do/how we feel, etc.

Unfortunately, I had a major hormonal/emotional breakdown on Thursday. I basically cried for about seven hours solid (sorry, Ju.). If I ever needed proof that I have a great wife, the fact that she didn't get visibly angry with me while I completely lost it, clearly says a great deal. Anyhow, my breakdown seemed to strangely facilitate our talking about all this. We talked and talked and talked.

We decided that we both desperately want to have a freaking life beyond trying to have a baby. We are not ready to throw in the towel, but IVF is scary, both financially and physically. If this round of IUI doesn't work, we are going to shelf the baby project until school lets out. Then, we can have a chance to reconfigure our lives and focus on some other stuff that we have put on the backburner while we deal with what has become a freaking fertility hell.

Okay, so having said that, I think that I should probably give the details of our current project. We are doing a dual insemination on the 2nd and 3rd using unknown donor sperm. I am a little sad that this is the last chance for IUI . It feels like the end of the "easy" stuff and moving onto IVF seems to indicate that I might have a major fertility issue (can you tell I am really scared?).

The donor we are using this time around evidently has a pretty good thaw rate (over 60% on average) and has 19 known pregnancies. This gives me a bit of hope. I called the sperm bank and bugged the lab techs until they spilled the beans about each of the donors and who was frequently getting folks pregnant. In the end, we chose a guy who had both the most pregnancies and who seemed to actually have a brain in his head. I wish I had known that the sperm bank would give out this info when I started because I would have done so many things differently. Oh well, live and learn.

On a totally different topic (sort of), I saw my college roommates and their 1 and 1/2 year old baby on Friday. Some people hate to be around kids while they are trying to make this baby stuff happen, but I am really happy to be around kids because it reminds me of why we are doing all of this and what the payoff will be. Additionally, my friends are obviously wonderful, super-devoted parents who have a terrific kid. It was nice to see a really happy family.

BAD NEWS...

Okay, so this is the last round of IUI (probably)... OY! Just to bring everyone up to speed this is the 6th cycle in 10 months. All cycles were done with oral medication, except for the first one. And all have been with frozen donor sperm.

We will do two inseminations this month, one on Tuesday (Jan 2nd) and one on Wednesday (Jan 3rd). Both will be with Dr. No-personality, who we essentially "fired" about nine months ago (just great). My wonderful Dr. A is going to the beach with her kids and hubby, thus will not be available. By the time we have results, it will be time to see the IVF doctor (we see him on Jan 15th).

I went for my ultrasound today (I refer this to as "egg day"). This is day 11 of my cycle and while my doctor seemed to feel okay about the results (two follicles measuring at 17 and 18) and the uterine lining measuring at six. She insisted that this was okay, but I was not impressed. I wanted to die and crawl under the table. I am pissy and very difficult to live with at this point. I feel sorry for Ju. I know that she wants me to buck up a little bit, but I seem to be incapable of this and am pretty much inconsolable.

The good news is that Christmas is blissfully over. I would like to point out that I managed to not cry publicly the entire time I was with the family, which is one small accomplishment.

Ju keeps telling me that she still believes we'll be okay, that we can get pregnant and that the IVF guy may have some real ideas (he's a reproductive endocrinologist, so she says he'll know more about hormone stuff). I have MUCH less enthusiasm for this. I am just afraid he is going to tell me my eggs look like crap or that I am just broken. This evening Ju said "aren't you tired?" and the answer is yes, I am really, really, really tired and frustrated and hurt and a million other things. I just don't know what to do.

If I knew how to fix this, I would. I am pretty type-A and hate to "fail"/give up. Ju says that I am freaking out way too early (because we haven't even met the IVF guy and already, I'm expecting the worst) and that we just have to hang in there for what the doctor actually has to say. I am sure that she is right; I am just not good at not worrying.

I really hope things look better tomorrow. In the meantime, it is our/my New Years resolution to have a freaking life beyond fertility!

MERRY CHRISTMAS... SORT OF

So as we all now know, I am officially very un-pregnant. I am almost feeling okay about this. I'm super-annoyed, but glad it is over.

I talked with my doctor yesterday and she told me she simply did not have a clue why I wasn't getting pregnant, but that she thought injectables with IUI was not the way to go. She says I stimulate pretty well from the 150 Clomid. The problem is not quantity of eggs. She seemed relieved that I had made an appointment with the IVF doctor. He was her mentor and she trained under him. She's also discussed our case with him a few times. She told me that she really felt like it was time to have a different set of eyes look at my files and talk with me. She said she thought that he would suggest IVF and frankly, at this point that sounds pretty darn good.

I would love to be able to move forward with IVF quickly, but the money is a pretty big obstacle. I am sure (hopefully) that we can figure it out and I think that there are some potential grandparents who might be willing to kick in some additional cash. Anyway, we went ahead and started this cycle with the same drugs and a few additional tests that I will go in for next week (don't even ask me what they are). By the time that we go to see the IVF doctor on MLK day we will know if this round has worked. I don't have very high expectations for this round, but we basically are going forward b/c the insurance will cover most of it (All drugs except Clomid, all diagnostic tests/procedures, and the IUI. We still have to buy sperm.).

Sitting around trying to figure the money out without ever having a chance of this working sucks. Plus, we have all of these friends who keep telling us that we just haven't tried long enough and that we should give it a few more months. Our regular doctor has additionally suggested that the IVF guy might change the way we do the IUI insemination. I am really excited to find out what our options are and how expensive all of this is going to be.

By the way, Merry Christmas.

QUESTION

Anyone out there on MySpace? Lemme know and we can add you to our list!

WISHES

Yesterday, when R first started bleeding, it was light and spotty. I had secretly hoped it was just some implantation bleeding. I'd read somewhere it can happen as late as day twelve from insemination, and according to our calendar, we were still in the window. But my wishes were only just wishes, as R's period became more intense overnight. More than anything, I just really want her to be happy and I know that for this to happen would make her the happiest ever.

Me - I just feel helpless. I'm disappointed and my spouse is so very upset. She cries and I can't fix it. I can try to comfort her the best I can, but it drives me crazy to see her like this. I just want everything to work and I'm worn out. I know R's worn out, too.

R made an appointment with a doctor who is well-known for IVF and with whom our insem-doctor studied under. We'll go for a consultation in mid-January, but we won't be able to do any IVFs for a while due to R's teaching schedule. In the meantime, we'll continue to do a couple more rounds of IUI, since our insurance will now pay for it starting in January. Maybe we'll get lucky and one of those will work.

A strange thing happened to me this afternoon. R had scheduled a telephone call with Dr. A. Because I'm work, I didn't get to listen in or participate. I realized I had a couple of questions which R didn't ask, so I attempted to call the doctor's office myself to speak with Dr. A. Well, she had to run off to a delivery, so she had a staff-person call me back to let me know that's why she didn't return my call. But, she also had that staff-person tell me that any conversation we had, R needed to be present for. WTF?!

You see, for nearly a year now, I am the one who almost always deals with the doctor's office. I coordinate appointments, ask questions, schedule this or that, get medicines called in, pick medicines up, etc. I deal with the doctor and the staff far more than R ever does and certainly, I've had conversations with Dr. A before. But, now she's having someone else tell me that R needs to be present? Who knows, maybe someone is buckling down on her about privacy acts and such. It just threw me for a loop is all.

JUST A FEW MORE DAYS (Edit at 3:19 PM)

EDIT: R's period started this afternoon. Back to square one.

---

We have only a few more days until we know anything for sure about the results of this last insemination. Until today, I was feeling pretty confident that everything was a go, but I seem to have lost it a bit now that R's freaking out and doesn't seem to think it's worked anymore.

For days on end, R's boobs have been the size of Texas and really sore. She's also been tired a lot and complaining of a sore back, as well as having hot flashes. All are classic signs of what one might experience when first pregnant, at least from everything I've read. It's been pretty convincing.

I've managed to keep a really cool head, mostly because I've prepared myself for disappointment. I'm used to being disappointed in my life; if I want to, I can block it all out. And that's what I'm doing. R, on the other hand, isn't so good at doing that. In fact, she's had herself pretty worked up and convinced that we'd be expecting multiples. So, I can only imagine that her disappointment will be even worse than usual.

This morning, R woke up and basically started crying right away. She's gotten herself worked up because her boobs aren't as sore and our pregnancy test came up negative, even though it's probably still too soon to test. Her period isn't due until Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. (what a gift, eh?)

Of course, it could all be fine, too. We could wake up on Christmas, take a test, and get the results we want. But the uncertainty is maddening and R's crying is hard for me to swallow because I simply don't know what to do. I just want to do all the right things.

On another note, R bought a small Christmas present for me. She's a horrible secret-keeper though and couldn't stand it; she had to tell me what it is. It's a 1/32 size (very tiny) violin for a baby/small child. You see, I play violin and I've always talked about doing Suzuki method with my kid one day. When R found this small violin, she said she had to get it for me. Her mom fussed at her for doing that, saying it would curse us. Nevermind the fact that she (my mother-in-law) bought baby booties and a blanket while she was in Paris. Hhhmmpph.

WHAT CAN YOU DO... FROM R

I am feeling okay about the KD; a little annoyed, but it is okay. I just wish we had known earlier. I am glad that the guy bailed early versus after we were expecting. I can't imagine what it would be like to have to fight to keep full custody of our child. That is not a hell that I want to explore.

I really wanted to give this baby try the best shot I could, which to me means that we do at least two insems. I will say that the amazing quanity of meds I took did the trick and we do have two or three (hard to see exactly how many on the ultrasound) good-looking and mature eggs, and a few others that were smallish. At least that is something, plus we have the high count sperm guy as our donor. The reality is I am trying to convince myself that we really do have a chance of this working. I want this to work so badly, and it is a huge disappointment every time when we find out that it just hasn't worked for us.

Being pragmatic, I am already thinkng about next month's try. I have set an internal number of 8 tries. I know that this is a lot, but the idea of trying to get up the cash for IVF is just so scary for me. We are very average folks, and just don't have $30,000-plus bucks laying around, and if we did I am pretty sure that we would prefer not to spend our money in this fashion. We are having a hard enough time with paying for all of this stuff every month, much less mortgaging ourselves to the hilt for the purpose of having a baby.

I know the reality is that if we needed to, that we would do IVF or lie to the foreign adoption people and pretend that I am not gay, or frankly, whatever we needed to in order to have a child that we raise. I just hope that it doesn't come to any of that!

I have been looking into embryo adoption, mostly because unlike traditional adption, there is no birth mother to contend with and there isn't a foreign adoption official to lie to, plus we would (obviously) get a newborn baby, which is important to us at this point in the game. I don't know if that will ever become unimportant to us, but I don't think either of us would really be able to say no to the opportunity to be parents if the child was older. Who knows what we will do in the end.

If anyone knows anything about embryo adoption outside of the super-Christian snowflake people, LET ME KNOW!!!

Maybe we will just get lucky and have an amazing Christmas... and we will be able to just move on to the next thing.

!#$&^@!!!

The last time we did an insemination, we used a donor with an extraordinarily high sperm count. Some of you may recall my artistic renditions of what it looked like under a microscope. Anyhow, prior to our plans to use a known donor, we'd really wanted to buy more of this donor's sperm. However, when I called to put it on reserve, he was already "sold out". We went on a pending list with nine other folks ahead of us. Well, a couple of days ago I got a call while at work and it was now our turn to purchase high-count-sperm-guy. The timing seemed like a sign and after talking it over with R, we decided to buy some. I even arranged to pick it up for this round of insemination, just in case we'd need it should something fall through with our known donor.

Well, it's a good thing we followed our gut and bought it because tonight we found out things aren't going to work out with our KD. Even though we planned all of this weeks in advance, he suddenly has other obligations. Yeah, right. His story changed probably three or four times about what it was he had to do. He could be telling the truth; he doesn't have a history of lying. Or, maybe he just didn't want to do it and was trying to keep from disappointing me, although that didn't work. I am upset, disappointed, and mad. Mad, mostly because I feel like he lied to me, even though I have no proof.

Also, I am frustrated. I have spent weeks coordinating medicines and scheduling stuff. We even rigged R's meds so that we could time it for this weekend, rather than just letting it fall when it would on its own. All that and now, we have to just use our donor sperm from the bank. At least we know that he's got good swimmers. I'm just terribly upset to learn that we're going from having two in-office insems and one at-home insem to just having one in-office insem. I feel like our chances have just somehow been diminished greatly, even if they haven't.

Anyway, we have our insemination tomorrow morning. Wish us luck! This is try number six and the bank says that's their average of how long it takes. Let's hope there's some truth to that.

JUST A LITTLE OFF-TOPIC

I mentioned in my last post that the results from my last pap smear were abnormal. I know that lots of women get abnormal results, but still. I decided to seek out a second opinion (I needed to see a doctor anyway to get medicine for bronchitis) so I made a same-day appointment today with the doctor R sees for all of our insemination stuff. She's awesome and if anything was ever really wrong with me, I trust her.

Well, I'm so glad I went in, even though I ended up seeing the physician's assistant instead. (She, too, is awesome!) She really eased my mind by taking the time to talk to me and answer my questions and explain things. She assured me that I don't have to worry so much, but still suggested that I have a colposcopy, another test they do with their patients who have abnormal results. (A colposcopy is where the doctor uses a microscope to closely examine the cervix and the cells to determine if any are pre-cancerous and if they are, it can be treated right away.) My test won't be for four more weeks, but now that I've got some peace of mind, I am not worried about waiting just a few weeks.

Anyway, thanks to those of you who shared your stories and offered reassurance. I'll keep y'all posted.

ON WITH IT

So, things are moving right along. R started her period on Friday, a day earlier than we'd hoped for, but it's still within the window of what we need. She's taking Dexamethasone and Clomid (150mg). For now, it's just a matter of maintaining the right schedule, going to appointments, etc. Our KD still has to have his appointment with his doctor, but that's out of our hands. Worst case scenario: we have to order from the sperm bank and that's okay with us.

In other news, I got the results from my pap smear from two weeks ago. Apparently, there's an abnormality. Something about abnormal cells, but the nurse with whom I spoke was sort of unclear. She said it's not cancer and "Don't Panic." (How the hell am I supposed to not panic? It's worrisome!) I'll call the doctor tomorrow and hopefully he can more explicitly explain exactly what this means, how it effects me, and what I need to do. And if need be, I'll have more tests and/or seek out a second opinion elsewhere.

Several things could have happened to give abnormal results, ie, I was just finishing up my period. The nurse said I might have had a low-grade infection of some sort, ie, a yeast infection without knowing. (Even if I had a full-blown one, I'm not sure I'd know it because I've never had one before. How do you even know?) The nurse said something about waiting six months to get re-tested, but not if I can help it! I need help, now.

Okay, I better stop this entry short because I am starting to wig out again and R's not home from class. I'm all alone and I just need to vent! Maybe I'll just go practice my violin... after all, I do have a concert to prepare for (another thing to be stressed out about!).

R = MOUTH O' THE SOUTH

R is not known for keeping a secret well, whereas I am stubborn enough to be able to take something to my grave. I pride myself in being a good secret-keeper. R, not being able to keep it all in, told her mom that we were using a known donor, and identified him as H, who my ma-in-law met once. Oooh, this made me so, well, mad. Actually, mad isn't the correct word. I was more or less really disappointed and frustrated and upset. H is a great guy, but *I* am the one who's raising our child with R. I don't want her mom always thinking that H is dad and once that idea is planted in one's head, it's hard to shake. It's bad enough that I can't knock R up myself, without having this other person filling in the gap of the other biological parent to anyone who questions it. Make sense? Also, it bothered me because my mom-in-law, when she met H, made remarks about him being such a queen (he's gay) and such. Now, that he's helping us, she's suddenly okay with him? How frustrating!

In other news, we know two ladies in town, though not well at all, who have a little boy who was conceived through a known donor. I'd been dying to get in touch with them to ask what their situation was as far as using a donor contract. Basically, what I found out is this: they did use a contract, but when it came down to it in the end, they were told the contract was "worth about as much as the paper it was on". It didn't amount to a hill of beans and the donor still had to sign away his rights at the time of the adoption. So, that just confirms to me that we're doing the right things -- using a contract, just in case, but being wise enough to avoid debt doing it.

CONTRACTS AND TESTING

Things with our donor are moving right along, except... well, the earliest he could get an appointment to have tests done was December 5th... and we're using him on the weekend of the 9th! I don't think it will be too much of an issue, as they can put a "STAT" order on the tests. It just makes me really nervous, that's all. Scheduling this stuff is a bitch!

In other news, I spoke with the lawyer I mentioned earlier and she won't even look at the contract we already have. Rather, she wants to draw up a new one altogether and now I know why -- she wants to charge $800 to do it! I think we're going to pass, use what we have, and get it notarized. At least then we'll have something and after reading the one we have, I can't imagine getting one much better. It pretty much sums up everything and knowing that a lawyer elsewhere created it, I know it must be fairly sound. There's one thing we have to change at the very end, but the friend who gave us the copy offered to help us get the information we'd need to change the one part. With that being said, it's one more thing I can check off the list!

OUR NEXT INSEM (EDITED @ 1:06PM)

Here's the situation:

Our known donor, H, lives about an hour and a half away. Because there is a one-hour window in which to use his sperm, we're having him spend a weekend with us. (We can't get it and get back home in time) And because we need to do it on a weekend (Dec. 8th-10th), our doctor is extending R's birth control pills by about two or three days to time everything correctly. However, if we use a donor from the bank, we won't extend her pills because we won't have to take the third person's schedule/location into consideration, thus we'd naturally be due for insemination mid-week (Dec. 5th or 6th). Did I explain that well?

In the meantime, H still has to get an updated test, so he's making a doctor appointment for this week/early next week. The other thing that needs to happen is that he needs to sign the contract we have. Some friends of ours (you know who you are! *smile*) were kind enough to allow us to obtain a copy of the contract they're using with their donor, which was drawn up by a lawyer related to them. I am sure the contract is good for them where they live, but I'm not sure if it's good for us here in GA. So, I contacted a lady I know who is a lawyer and specializes in fertility/adoption law. I'm going to have her review this contract and if need be, revise it or draw up a new one altogether. I'm not sure what her fees are, but some other friends of ours who used her services for their whole adoption said it was reasonable, so surely one contract fee wouldn't be so terrible. Anyway, I know I'll feel better knowing we've had everything checked out.

We still have a donor from the bank selected in case everything falls apart and we need to use it instead of H. But, gosh, I am reeeeeeeaaaaaaaally hoping that this thing with H goes smoothly!

WAY LOTTA MARRIED

Evidently, I scared people when I tried to talk about how freaking hard this process is on one's marriage. Thus, let it be known that we are sooo not breaking up. This is just difficult and scary for each of us in such different ways. It is hard to feel sexy/human when you feel like a failed baby-making machine. It ain't easy to live with an overly-hormonal crazy woman.

It is a shame that people don't talk about how stressful this is and the toll that it takes on you as a couple, financially, personally, emotionally, and a few other -ally's. Anyhow, we love each other are very committed to this relationship and are just trying to figure out how we get through this together.

Our most recent strategy is to spend a heck of a lot more time together minus our friends. We love them, but we need to be alone a good bit more than we have in the past.

COULD ANYTHING ELSE HAPPEN?!?

Last night it came to my attention that the subfloor in our one and only bathroom is rotting! I am basically so freaked about this, I cannot even express it. I know it is not the end of the world and a contractor referred to us by a good friend is coming out this week to asses the damage. It is just MORE MONEY that is being sucked away from OUR BABY. I think the whole bathroom redo will come in around $5,000 or so. YUCK! Especially because the bathroom is really cute already, so it is not much of a cosmetic plus.

Additionally, somehow the plug to the refrigerator managed to become unplugged for about 48 hours and we had (i.e. I felt it prudent) to throw out all of the groceries ( I really fear food poisoning after having lived in Asia for a few years and having some HELLISH previous experiences). Again, it's not the end of the world, but it has been a hell of a week!

Ju took me out and let me test-drive strollers today, which is what I do when I am really bummed about all of this crap that is going on in our lives. I can't wait 'til we can look back and laugh. (By the way, I have decided that I want a mint green Peg Perego lightweight stroller with a matching click-in baby car seat and a McClaran Volo for quick trips. The crazier the color, the better.) Have I mentioned that I have already picked the nusery stuff, too? My friends (sometimes Ju, too) think that I am crazy, but they are unfortunately not surprised... I am compulsive. Feel free not to make too much fun of me for this.

In another week and a half I start taking more drugs than I have ever taken before. The truth is I am scared. Scared of all of the drugs, not getting pregnant, using a known donor, "wasting" more money by not getting pregnant, or worst of all, having to deal with the reality that this may never happen for us. The fancy-schmancy stoller may always just be on the wish list, and I will have to say things like "Well, we tried, but it just never worked out for us".

I remember when we started trying that a friend (who no less than a decade ago went through fertility hell and decided to just let it go and be happy with her husband) was very sweet and listened to me be unbelievably sure that this would happen, quickly. Then, when we lost that first pregnancy, she was supportive and said that while it was awful, at least I knew what it would feel like (emotionally) when it didn't work. The problem is that it feels different every time. It is brand new every time. Until now, every time we have tried has felt like brand new hope and excitement. This round, I lack that enthusiasm and it all feels like worry that I have a week and a half to shake off. OY, any suggestions?

HERE'S WHAT DR. A HAD TO SAY

Our chat with Dr. A went really well! We went over our options and she recommended another try with IUI. We'd planned on doing this anyway for insurance reasons. R's new insurance will cover tries beginning in January, only we had to have done it -x- number of times already. If we do it once more in December, we'll meet that number. Also, one more try will push us just over the edge financially that R can claim it on her taxes. Woo-hoo!

We discussed Letrozole, the drug that Dr. A initially suggested R switch to, but decided to stick to Clomid. Letrozole comes with a risk of birth defects and also cannot be used with other drugs. So, we're sticking to Metformin, Dexamethasone, and an increased amount of Clomid. I dread the craziness that it brings, but R and I feel this is best combination.

Somehow, the conversation came up so that Dr. A said something like, "It's too bad you don't know some guys who would just be willing to help you out...". That was when we told her about my pal, H, who recently agreed to be a donor. We hadn't decided 100% at the time he offered about whether or not we'd use him, but we've been thinking about it for a couple of weeks now and we've pretty much decided to go with it, especially since Dr. A was so willing to work with us on it. In fact, she was downright excited.

One of our main concerns was that we wouldn't have any support from our physician in doing this, but if she's willing to sign off on it and say we used a "donor", it will help us tremendously. Also, we had concerns about H changing his mind and wanting involvement with the kid sometime down the road (even though he says now that he wants no responsibility) and what we've decided is that if at some point it comes up, it would be okay if he was involved -- not in a "father" role, but involved, if that makes sense. He's a great guy and it wouldn't be so bad for our kid to know him.

Dr. A wants H to get tested for HIV and a number of other diseases and when I talked to him last night, he said that was no big deal. I'm not worried about it, as I happen to know that H has had one sex-partner in a period of five years and the last time he slept with that person was two years ago. I figure he's probably pretty low-risk.

One exciting thing -- I'd noticed that Dr. A's website sucked, so I asked if she was happy with it. She said it was really lame and I told her we could do business. (I'm a Web Developer & Graphic Designer) I think she was kind of excited, but we'll see. This could be a very good thing for me/us!

As far as when our next try will be, we're aiming for a weekend. H lives an hour and a half or so away, so we need to be able to have him here to donate. (Once a specimen is obtained, there's about an hour window before sperm start to die down, and there's no way we could get it and get home in an hour, so he'll have to come here.) Dr. A said this was not a problem, as we can simply extend the pills R's on by a few extra days to time it correctly, if we need to. However, she thinks R's cycle will fall on a weekend anyway.

We feel so much better now that we've had a chance to get a plan together. We like to be in-the-know and lately, we've had so many questions, that everything has felt sort of all-over-the-place. I think we're making some good decisions and I'm excited about getting on with it.

TOMORROW

Tomorrow, R and I have an appointment with our doctor to discuss what happens next and to go over our options. We're lucky because we'll see Dr. A at 4:00 and she has nothing scheduled after that, so we'll have plenty of time to really talk. I'm so nervous to hear what she'll say, but I'm also excited and eager to get as much information as we can! (In case no one noticed, R and I like to be informed.) Also, we really like the staff at our clinic and we really enjoy seeing everyone.

Some of the questions we plan to ask:

1. the benefits of Letrozole vs. Clomid?


2. are there any drug combinations that work well in combination with Letrozole?


3. should we use injectables instead? is that something Dr. A would be willing to do/monitor?


4. how many more rounds of IUI before seeking out IVF?


5. how many follicles would Dr. A like to see?


6. nutrition/supplements? foods to avoid?

These are all I can think of off the top of my head, but I'm sure I'll come up with more. R will have plenty to say, too, I am sure! Is there anything else we're obviously missing??

MARRIAGE AND IVF THOUGHTS

We survived another week post near-baby miss. In the last week and a half Ju went out of town for work, we lost the almost-baby, and I started a new job. We have been a little bit busy. Right now, we are mostly focusing on each other and our marriage. Not to worry -- we are not about to hit the skids, but this has been hard on both of us in very different ways.

The good news is that we are, overall, doing really well, even if we are a little confused about what the hell we are supposed to do next about the baby. My favorite next-door neighbor, Kate, commented that she thought we were the kind of couple that is able to deal with the special kind of joy that fertility brings and grow from it. It was a really kind comment; I know that I have not been the easiest spouse lately.

We are carefully considering our next move right now and IVF feels more to me like the answer. The truth is, I don't really know what to do. I just really want us to have a kid or two and not have us lose our minds and go broke trying.

So, now for my questions to all of you in baby making land:

a) When/how did you know it was time to move on to an IVF cycle from IUI?
b) How did you fiance the sucker?
c) Has anyone taken Letrozole? If so, what is the story on my doctor's new IUI drug of choice?
d) How long did it take you to set up an IVF cycle?

I know it is a lot of questions, but I am a gal in need of information and understanding.

Oh, by the way, Ju talked to her friend about the sperm donation and he said "Sure, it is just going to waste anyway...". How funny that he seems to view it as nothing.

TALKIN' ABOUT DONORS

Ages ago, two male friends of mine offered to donate their sperm. One guy insisted on doing it the old-fashioned way (eew!) so we immediately excluded him as a possibility. The other guy travels on the job and is only home for a couple of days out of the month, so he got excluded by default, as it is too hard to coordinate with someone who is never around.

In the meantime, one of my close male friends, H, has made comments here and there, jokingly, about donating. But now I'm wondering if he's really joking, or if he'd sincerely agree, should I approach him. You see, he's made jokes in the past that turned out to not be jokes, so I'm wondering if this is one of those situations. R and I have thought about approaching him, but my goodness, how the heck am I supposed to do that? I have no clue what to say. I don't want him to feel pressured or wierd, ya know.

Any thoughts?

WHEN TO MOVE ON?

Things are pretty much about making sure we are still putting one foot in front of the other around here. We are both so upset and just trying to deal with all of this.

I made an appointment to go and talk with our doctor and see what she has to say. I want to learn more about the medicine she thinks we should try next time, and how many more IUI cycles she thinks we should do before moving on to more invasive stuff.

I need a plan badly. I need to know what we should be doing, and what the game plan is long range. It makes me feel a lot more okay when I know what to expect. Right now I feel like I don't have any vision of where we are going or what our real chances are, etc. I know that the more we try, the less likely it is to happen. At what point has our luck just run out?

We are going out with a couple that just completed their sixth try and are waiting to find out the results. They said they think that this will be their last shot and I am curious to know what their reasons are. I am equally curious to know what our doctor has them doing and why

The truth is that I have pretty much lost hope that IUI will ever work for us. I am ready to move on and give IVF a try. I know that it is major money and major physical pain, but I need to know if this will ever work. I need to know in two or three tries of IVF if it is time to move on to adoption, etc., rather than waiting out another few months of IUI then IVF. I just need for us to find out the answer, even if it is an expensive one.

What we are going through is pretty emotionally expensive right now and to be honest, our collective sanity/relationship is worth a good deal more to me that the money IVF would cost. I wonder if I would be able to even deal with IVF if we have to go through all of this again. It is very difficult to know what to do or when to make the leap to IVF.

If anyone has any advice on the subject please share. Similarly, if anyone has any advice on Atlanta area RE's or affording all this high tech baby making, share!

SOME GOOD NEWS

R had open enrollment for insurance this week. She took the paperwork to the insurance specialist at our clinic, who was kind enough to research each plan and the benefits of using one versus another. What we found out is that one of the plans will pay for inseminations. This is great news! It will not, however, cover the cost of donor sperm, but that's okay with us. Buying donor sperm isn't so much a big deal if we don't have to pay for all of the other stuff. It's about time we had some relief.

In the meantime, Amanda from For the Byrds recommended some different sperm banks to us that are less expensive than the one we use. I don't know if these others will meet our needs, but it's definitely something to look into, again (it's been a while since we initially researched, so it may be good to refresh our memories and check on things). Thanks, Amanda!

A THOUGHT

I was just sitting here and thinking about IVF; nothing in particular, other than I had the thought that if we ended up going that route, maybe R could use a combination of her eggs and my eggs. That way, we could have a combo pack of multiples, possibly. Honestly, I don't even know if this is a possibility. Is it?

WHAT NEXT?

R and I are both going through a difficult time right now, but for some reason, I am having an especially hard time with this. I can hardly go an hour without bursting into tears while working at my desk. And I'm exhausted. Totally drained. I've been sleeping excessively and still, I want more sleep. I just feel terrible, even though I'm trying really hard to remain positive about the good stuff.

Also, I feel guilty for not being able to try myself and for that not being an option. If I can ever get well, which eventually I will, then maybe I can try. But right now there's not even the slightest bit of a possibility, so it makes me feel even worse.

We're in a wierd situation with the donor stuff. The donor we used last time, who has a remarkably high sperm count, is the donor we'd like to use again. However, he's quite popular according to Xytex. We can either:

• immediately purchase the two vials he has left (which, by now, are probably sold out), which are washed (we prefer unwashed), and pay extra for storage

or


• we can be put on a pending list, which has nine people ahead of us

or


• we can say screw it and choose another donor altogether.

Then again, who knows what we'll do next. We haven't given up on trying, but we made an appointment to go to this adoption information session thingie the first weekend in November. We scheduled it two months ago and had kind of forgotten about it. Well, at least I had forgotten, but then R reminded me and we decided we're still going to check it out.

In the meantime, we're wondering what our next move should be. Do we try another IUI? I mean, we've only done four, which isn't that much, but also, we don't want to continue going that route if it won't work. So, do we skip ahead and go for IVF? I'd be all for it, except that it's soooo bloody expensive. I don't want to spend $15,000 for one chance at something that may not work. That would suck a lot more than only $5,000, which is what we've spent total so far for four IUI tries.

Needless to say, we have so many questions.

IT'S OVER.

The results from our test this morning came back negative. Dr. A wants R to discontinue taking the progesterone supplements so she can expel, ie, have a period. This is terribly upsetting, but not surprising given the events of the last week.

We're taking a month off, at least, and we're thinking we'll try again over Christmas break; that is, if we're up to it. In the meantime, the doctor wants R to take Ovcon 35 Oral, which is a type of birth control, I think. She'll also take Letrozole Oral, a medication more commonly known to treat breast cancer, when we start trying again.

For now, we just need time to cope and process this.

JU's WORDS

For my story about my trip home and how my Mom is handling the news of all of this (she didn't know we'd been trying or anything), visit my blog at Ju 2006.

To follow up on what I wrote there, I got an email from my Mom this evening. She wanted to thank me for coming and for helping her with her new computer. But mainly, she wanted to check on R. It was pleasantly surprising. I just can't believe she's being so calm and okay. I'm honestly still waiting for it to sink in and for her to throw a fit.

Both R and I forgot to mention that we met two new gals in Athens who are also trying. Well, I say met, but really, we've only spoken with them via telephone, but we made arrangements to have dinner with them later this week. It's kinda funny because our doctor is the one who arranged for us to meet. She asked us if it was okay to pass along our info and asked them the same. So, here we are.

I don't know a whole lot about them, other than one of them is pretty butch and they've been trying to conceive (by the way, I despise the shortened acronym "TTC" -- I hate the way it looks or something -- reminds of those ta-ta-for-now "TTFN" acronyms that people use far too often in email exchanges) for almost a year unsuccessfully. I also know, though, that they haven't been very aggressive with it as far as medications and such.

Anyway, we're kind of excited to know anyone else doing this in our own town and the butch one is glad to meet me, I think, because she doesn't have anyone to talk to about her role in this. I feel the same.

As for us, we made it through the weekend. That's longer than we expected. And oddly enough, R's still having lots of signs, ie, sore boobs, back pain, and today she had morning sickness. We had to stop the car early in the day for her to puke and then when we returned from Target this evening, she hurriedly got out of the car and puked in our driveway. Poor thing. It could be stress, we don't know.

We have our appointment with our doctor in the morning to do more blood work. We'll have results within a couple of hours after that, probably around lunch time. We're both really hoping for good news. Keep those good thoughts/prayers/etc coming -- we'll take all we can get!

ONE VERY LONG WEEKEND

We are still very hopeful but trying to be realistic. This has all been very difficult, mostly because we just don't know. I would love to know what the deal is but we just don't and this is hard. Ju went to her mom's to clean out her old high school stuff from the house at her mom's obsessive insistence, so I was sent to my mother's for safe keeping while Ju is away. I know this is strange, but it is kinda nice not to be home and not to be around Ju because it makes me feel a little more normal, a little less like this is really happening to us.

We talked with our wonderful Dr. on Friday because she is going out of town next week, which is upsetting because she is a life line and I like to have her support and counsel. She told us that she was not really ready to throw in the towel on this pregnancy and that because my progestrone level is in her words "awesome" she felt we might have a shot. We will go back for more tests on Monday and see how things look. So far, so good. She also said that we might want to take a month off if this pregnancy doesn't continue and take birth control pills to suppress my ovaries and them hit them with an enormous chunk of stimulating drugs. Scary, but okay.

I have a lot going on this month, which for anyone who knows me, is kind of a joke; like, when are things in life ever calm??? The lady who will be taking over my job is going to be there on Monday morning to start figuring things out. I will also begin to pack up my things and take them out of my classroom to get ready to take them to my new school. I love the people I work with and this is beyond scary for me to move to a new place with a very different professional culture, from what I hear anyway. I am thrilled about the job but super-scared that I won't be any good at it, and they will be sorry they ever picked me. It looks like Nov. 1st will be day one of the new job. OY VAY!!!

I am pretty out in my current job and now I will have to begin the annoying process of helping everyone else process my gayness, again. Good times, I tell you. Oh well, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

On the house front, we are devoting next weekend to working on the house and making choices about the sale of the house. Like, if we want to try it by ourselves again or if we want to list it, along with all of the repercussions of these choices and what it is, exactly, that we want to do.

Being a grown-up is so complicated!!!!

WHO KNOWS...

It's late afternoon on Friday and we're still hanging in there. The results from R's progesterone test came in and the nurse relayed to us that Dr. A said it looked "awesome." So, that's something good, right?

Although, I must admit, I'm a bit confused as to what this means, exactly, and how this helps/hurts us. The test yesterday was to check hcg, I think, which should be at a level of 5. It wasn't. Yet, the doctor's office only gave us a "maybe" because they were waiting for the progesterone test to come back. Now that they have "awesome" results, does this mean things are looking up?

I just don't know what's going on right now. It all seems too surreal. But hopefully, we'll hear from Dr. A today and we'll have an inkling.

I DON'T HAVE A TITLE

While R is *technically* pregnant, the hormone levels don't seem strong enough to be able to maintain it. We fully expect for this to go away either today or over the weekend. The pregnancy test this morning was negative. That's not good.

But we're plodding along and who knows, maybe this is all just a test of our patience and our wanting, and maybe this will all work out. There's the tiniest sliver of a chance and I guess that's better than nothing.

In the meantime, there's lots of tears and lots of worry. R's got the day off from work, just in case something goes wrong. I'll probably go to work for a while, but I'll be "on call" and will probably come home early.

A LITTLE BIT PREGNANT

Whoever said you can't be a little bit pregnant is wrong! Continue reading to find out why:

This morning, R got up and as she's done every morning for days on end, took another pregnancy test. Just after that she left for work. And then just after that, the test turned positive. I got really excited and called R at work to leave a message for her before leaving to go to work myself.

I had to stop at the store on my way to work to pick up a couple of little things and ran into our doctor, of all people. She asked how we were doing and I told her that we got a positive test this morning. She got a bit excited and told us to come in for a blood test today. So, on my way to work, I called to leave R another message to say she needed to do a blood test today.

Finally, I arrived at work and just as I was getting all settled into my office, my phone rang. I assumed it was R returning my calls, but instead it was the school where she teaches. They asked if I could come pick her up because she'd gotten sick and passed out at school. Of course, I left my job and headed right over.

So, I picked up R and we headed straight to the doctor's office, where we did a blood test. On the way there, R reminded me of the story her mom has told a million times. Basically, the story is that the only time R's mom ever passed out in her life was when she was very first pregnant. Of course, R thinks this is what is happening with her, too.

We got our results from the doctor a little while ago. Dr. A's answer is "maybe". Not a no, not a yes, just maybe. She wants us to do another blood test on Monday, but by then we'll probably know on our own anyway, as R is supposed to start her period tomorrow or Saturday. So, as it stands now, we are a little bit pregnant.

This is sooooooooooo frustrating!!! Actually, there are no words to describe how this feels. We just want an answer. We can deal with yes. We can deal with no. But we just need to know what we're dealing with!

CONVERSATION

R's been displaying some of the tell-tale signs of being pregnant, yet our tests are coming up negative. We weren't sure if the medicines and hormones were causing her body to do wierd things, or if it could possibly be that the hormones would cause a negative result, so I called Dr. A's office to inquire about this.

I spoke with the nurse/coordinator and told her what was going on - ie, R's been having some nausea, her boobs are the size of Texas, and she's been feeling "wierd", etc. The nurse said, "Oh, that's good!" I inquired about the testing and she checked our chart, then told me it was too early. So, I guess I have to take her word for it.

At any rate, I feel the slightest bit relieved, at least for now. At least I feel justified in holding out hope.

PROGESTERONE

On Friday, R had some bloodwork done to test her Progesterone levels. The results were supposed to be in first thing this morning, but instead, they didn't come in until after 2:00pm. As it turns out, the results are okay. R's within the normal range for what the progesterone levels should be, although the doctor said she wished it would be slightly higher. So, Dr. A wants R to take some daily oral supplements.

So, that's where we're at right now. Things could go either way, but we're doing everything we can and everything we're asked to do. I just spoke with R and she's on her way as I write this to pick up her prescription so she can take it before she goes to class tonight.

More coming soon.

WHAT IS A "BETA"?!

Clearly, we want to become pregnant, hopefully soon, because we have spent the family fortune. We're beginning to worry about our ability to financially keep up with the ever-increasing cash and emotional/hormonal demands of this process. That said, this morning I got up and faithfully peed on a stick, and well we got nothing. I mean, nothing, which made me feel awful and okay at the same time. I say 'okay' simply because I want the test to scream "you are having a baby some time in late June!!!" However, I also know my semi-positive stuff could all just be trigger shot silliness as I read on the internet this AM:

Every woman's metabolism is different, but as a general rule of thumb, you should allow 1 day for every 1,000 units of hCG you injected. The standard hCG dose is 10,000 units; thus, 10 days after the shot, the synthetic hCG should be gone and you should be able to test for pregnancy without detecting the shot. However, you should ask your doctor what the recommended protocol for your dosage is.

Some women choose to test daily to monitor the essence of the hCG in their bodies; once the synthetic hCG is gone, the tests become negative. If the hCG "comes back" and the HPT's turn positive again, it's likely due to a pregnancy and not the leftover hormone shot.

I would reference the site but I don't remember which of the 4,000 sites I looked at it was on... sorry!

Anyhow, we are just hanging in there to see how this goes.

I will say, however, the only time I have ever seen any sort of positive was the first time we did it, which is when I had what I believe to be an amazingly early miscarriage. I stupidly did not really acknowledge it at the time and made no effort to slow my life down whatsoever afterwards, and ended up giving myself shingles.

NOW COULD SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT A BETA IS???

I did go in Friday to have my progesterone checked and we will find out the results first thing tomorrow (Monday) morning. Depending on the results, I may need to go in for a dose of extra progesterone, so I can try to hold on to these hopefully fertilized eggs.

#3

Okay, a third test was taken this morning -- but pretty much, there's nothing there. I mean, there is the slightest bit of a faint line, much lighter than what has shown up before. We feel slightly disappointed, but we're reminding ourselves that it's still early.

TESTING, ONE, TWO

After last night's testing experience, we decided to do a second test this morning, when R's sample would be most concentrated. Again, the test did the same thing, with a faint line, but this time the line was darker. See?


R's test #2, without a flash


R's test #2, with the camera flash

We were thinking that the test could be false positive because of all of the hormones R's been taking. But then the fact that today's test was darker seems to negate that theory.

I took a test myself, just to see what would happen and if mine would yield any sort of extra line. The results:


my test = negative!

Even after several hours, my test still shows no signs of the extra line. We were told that sometimes if you wait too long, the extra line would show up. But that hasn't happened.

So... we're thinking R's test is definitely a positive. Now, whether or not it is a real positive has yet to be seen.

*keeping fingers crossed*

FAINT POSITIVE???

Every day, R's been saying that she was sure everything worked this time. I've been so excited, I can hardly stand it. Then, today, R came home and announced she wasn't so sure anymore. So, even though we know pregnancy tests down't work this early on, we did one anyway. Even though it doesn't make any sense, it actually made us feel better, somehow.

Anyway, R did the test but had to leave quickly as she was running behind schedule to meet up with a friend. So, I'm sitting here looking at this pregnancy test and I swear, I think there's a faint positive line. Now, I don't know if it's a fluke, my imagination, or the real deal.

I've taken a photograph. What do ya think?

CHANGES?

This is kind of a strange question -- but of those of you who have had pregnancies, did you notice any immediate changes "down there"?

R says "it feels different" and sure enough, when I checked things out, it felt different -- sort of spongy, but hard beneath, if that makes any sense.

Any thoughts out there?

p.s. Happy Coming Out Day!

YADA YADA YADA

Okay, I know that this is really crazy because I am not a calm person. People who know me can attest to this. I am pretty manic, and go a little nuts if things don't go my way. However, I am feeling oddly calm; so calm it makes me uncalm. It truly feels just like things are going to be just great and I don't really have to sweat it. Baby or no baby, we will be exactly perfect. It might just be my own body's relief over not being poked, prodded, tested, medicated, and messed with for a few weeks, or it might be that we have reached what I am sure is a brief stint experiencing the zen and art o' baby making.

This is not to say that I am sure it will work, only sure that we/our drs./the donor, etc. have done our dead-level best and that we are getting closer, even if we are not actually there yet. That a baby could happen.

I have had plenty of days where I thought that it was impossible, that it was really just time to give up and admit that it was time to talk seriously about trying to adopt. I am not against adoption, for us or anyone else. I think that it is great. I am just afraid of all of the horror stories. Not that fertility doesn't come with horror, but it is a horror that I feel more in control of (I don't claim to make sense). It worries me to think that a new mom whose child was promised to us could change her mind and we could walk away without a baby when we were so close. I know that if/when we get to a point where adoption makes sense for us that we will not hesitate. I am just glad that day is not today and that hope has returned in whatever small way to this endeavor and to us as a couple.

Obviously, we talked about how hard it was to try and not be successful or be semi-successful for a day. I just don't really think even I knew how hard this had been on us individually or collectively until things changed and the process started looking promising again. Even when we started the process this round we were so cautious and sad. I have just been braced for the bottom to fall out any minute. Everything changed when the egg count was up and the sperm looked like they were actually MOVING.

Like I said, I am sure that this is only a moment of calm in a much wider and wilder sea of parent making and parenting, but it is nice to be in right now. I appreciate the break.

SPERM COUNTS

Yesterday, R and I went to Dr. A for our first insemination, using Donor #1. They'd just finished "washing" as we arrived and we got to view the specimen under a microscope. My word, it was amazing! I mean, the whole field was totally covered in moving sperm, without a bit of blank space inbetween. It was completely unlike any other specimen sample we'd seen in past inseminations. Needless to say, we were very excited about this, as was everyone else present. Lots more happened and R wants to blog, so I'll leave my comments to the topic of sperm count only and she can fill in the other details.

my rendition of Donor #1's sperm count

This morning, we went in for insemination number two, using Donor #2. Since it's Saturday, one nurse and Dr. A had to come in just for us. We arrived while the nurse was "washing" and we just chilled out and talked with her for a long time. Dr. A had not yet arrived, as she was still busy with patients at the hospital. Anyway, the nurse showed us the specimen under the microscope. To say we were disappointed with what we saw is an understatement. I mean, there were only a few sperm crawling around, with all this blank space inbetween.

As it turns out, the count of Donor #2 isn't bad; as long as there are at least ten per field of power, it's good. When Dr. A arrived, she said he was okay, but that she could understand our disappointment in comparison to Donor #1. In fact, she said that Donor #1 had an abnormally high count; the most she's seen!

my rendition of Donor #2's sperm count

FROM THE DESK OF R

We are so excited that there was more than one little egg-o this time!! I am kind of at the end of my rope, homonally seaking, and having more than one egg really made me feel like it was all worth it; that we are still in the baby making game and that there is some hope. The last few weeks have been very difficult because the drugs have been pretty intense, both physically and hormonally, and because there has just been a lot going on in general.

We have had things go haywire with the sale of the house and my job has been a bit challenging to say the least. Fortunately, we are taking a bit of a house break this week. We will meet with an agent next Monday about listing our house. We are considering flipping our house, essentially, and will be talking to the agent about which improvements will have the most impact on the sale price of our house when we relist it. There have been a few very sucessful and profitable flips in our neighborhood and if it means a lot more money, I am willing to live in a construction zone for a few months. The truth is that our house is very small, but we could make it work with a little one if need be. Plus, all the improvements that we would make would be things that we want done if we wind up having to stay in the house for some reason.

As for the job, things are going very well there, but I am just crazy-busy trying to keep my head above water. This time of year is always hard because it is a very long stretch to make it from the beginning of the school year (Aug 1st) to Thanksgiving break at the end of November. This is a very typical time of year to start to lose it a little :).

I am trying to be realistic about the baby, but I am very hopeful. Even if it doesn't work I know that we have a pretty good shot with the drug combo we have used this round.

MORE THAN ONE

We went for R's ultrasound today and it wasn't a bit too early, as the eggs Dr. A detected are quite mature. We've decided to do a dual insemination and I'll drive three hours tomorrow morning to pick up the extra specimen. Tonight R has to have the HCG injection, but the woman who usually assists us is out of town. Our next-door neighbor works in a pharmacy lab, however, and has arranged for us to do the injection with one of his co-workers, who has lots of experience administering shots.

We'll have our first insemination late tomorrow afternoon and then the second on Saturday morning. We're excited, but the fucked up and funny part is that we're using two different donors for the two inseminations. So, technically, we could end up with twins that have different biological fathers! How insane is that?!

I ended up telling my boss today about what we're doing and I was so surprised at how accepting and supportive she's being. It's awesome! I mean, she is so excited about this and said she was going to pray for us and keep good thoughts for us. I am just so excited to have people around me at work who I don't have to tiptoe around because they're all so supportive and encouraging.

DYE TEST IS OVER

R had the dye test today to see if her fallopian tubes had any blockages. It was really interesting to see up on screen because it didn't look anything like the diagram you see in health class. Her fallopian tubes are very long and they wind all around. They're higher on one side than the other, too.

We'd been told by the doctor herself that the test would be really painful, but R said it wasn't that bad. It hurt some during the procedure, but afterwards she felt okay. Our doctor said everything looked really good. She did, however, move our ultrasound up one day, rather than waiting until Friday to do it. Better early than too late.

Dr. A mentioned that she'd had a lot of success lately doing dual insemination with unwashed sperm. Strangely enough, the specimen we ordered this month only came in unwashed, so that's what we have. We don't have enough to do a dual insemination, but if the ultrasound results tomorrow are really good, I'm going to order a second vile and drive the three hours to pick it up. I mean, if we're going all out, then we might as well do everything we can.

One funny thing - I ran into my boss while I was at the hospital. When we arrived, we were told we needed to go and register, something we didn't know we'd have to do as no one told us ahead of time. So, we went to register and then had to sit in this waiting area while they processed everything, which took about 45 minutes. At some point, R got up to use the restroom and right then my boss came in. She was just as surprised to see me as I was her and we spoke for a few minutes. As it turns out, she has an aunt who is very ill and has just started chemo, so she was there to visit. It was really strange. On the bright side, at least my boss knew I was doing something legitimate and not just ditching work for no good reason.